SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Touting not only the hours of endless fun but also the psychological benefits children can glean, LEGO unveiled Monday a new gentrified San Francisco neighborhood rebuild set.
“Inspire imagination in your kids as they take on the role of a merciless real estate tycoon,” spokesman Frederic Sims said, noting that children ages 6-8 will have a blast learning firsthand the systematic oppression of the lower class by removing aging pieces in LEGO housing projects and installing refurbished blocks in the new Tenderloin Sky View Lodge LEGO Apartments.
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“Fine-tune motor skills by renovating dated fixtures with luxurious LEGO marble countertops and bamboo flooring,” Sims went on. “Then finish it off with stainless steel LEGO kitchen appliances to drastically raise property value, skyrocket rent prices, and kick low-income LEGO characters to the curb.”
Sims added the new set would teach causal reasoning as kids build a LEGO Trader Joes next door to a locally owned Gus’s market and in doing so absorb their clientele, forcing them to sell you what remains of their pathetic family venture.
“As your empire grows to the Mission, watch their problem-solving ability flourish by authorizing police LEGOS to toss LEGO tear gas canisters and dissolve the residents futile rent control protest,” Sims raved. “Then as their vision comes back, let them observe as you decimate their childhood homes with the new LEGO wrecking ball crane.”
“Instill leadership skills when your kids blackmail government officials at LEGO city hall to expedite building contract approvals,” Sims said. “Pull the strings on your political puppets and taste true supremacy, all while stimulating creativity in your young ones’ developing brains.”
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“Complete the experience with LEGO tents and garbage can fires where former tenants can longingly gaze in unaware that your LEGO character is getting off on their suffering, making the affair your having with your LEGO assistant even hotter. Your LEGO wife will be home in ten minutes, but you don’t give a shit. This is power. Whatever you want, you take. Nobody can even fuck with your LEGO empire.” Sims said, slamming his fist on the podium.
Sims concluded his presentation by imploring children to grind former tenants homes and dreams into dirt, use it as the foundation for their LEGO real estate conglomerate, and to keep small pieces out of the reach of toddlers.
Sims also teased junior LEGO estate moguls with a new up-and-coming South Carolina coastal suburb build set coming this summer.
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