THE INTERNET—Proclaiming that he could no longer sit back and idly let his people’s suffering go uncontested, local man Frederic Sims, 24, stood atop his dining room table Thursday and declared that he was to embark on the journey of all journeys: a larger-than-life quest to find which tab in his web browser the sound was coming from and lay to rest its wretched advertisement.
“For one too many minutes this Land Rover commercial has lurked in the shadows, breaching the peace our family desktop once held dear. And today I say neigh!” Sims declared, mapping out his plans to start with the Star Wars wookiepedia page, then carefully tread his way through the dangerous, virus-riddled streaming site 123Movies, and—if time allows—stop for rest at his Yahoo! inbox.
“My fellow kin, heed my words: I shall silence the evil that beckons at us with its claim of a 2-year warranty and 1.9% APR pricing and bring about a new age to this long-forsaken web browser. Google Chrome will know peace and I, as its champion, will cut down any pop-up that stands in my way.”
Added Sims: “Time is of the essence, lest I fall prey to the hypnotizing allure of r/TIFU.”
Later, after confronting the ad in the footer of a BuzzFeed listicle and lashing out at the ‘X’ with his mouse, a nastier beast emerged in a new tab, hissing at Sims “Congratulations! You’ve won a free iPhone 5.”