WESTEROS—Exercising the power of the Iron Throne, recently crowned King Bran Stark issued an executive decree Monday to install wheelchair accessible ramps in all Seven Kingdoms.
“In effect immediately, my first act as ruler and Protector of the Realm shall be to provide handicapped accommodations for every Westerosian suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncommon, severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis!” Stark echoed from his balcony to a sea of cheering citizens afflicted with lower back pain.
The new decree—Title 19, Section 51322(g)—will reportedly require all government buildings and commercial property owners to have ramps constructed with 4 inch thick Ironwood platforms and Valyrian steel handrails. Certain public transportation services, such as Golden Company Elephants and King’s Landing Dragons, will also be required to have Vertical Wheelchair Lifts (VWL) and bi-fold ramps to ensure handicapped humans, White Walkers, and Children of the Forest can comfortably board their mythical being.
“Today is a victory for any disabled Westerosian who’s ever been prevented from making a deposit at the Iron Bank of Braavos or attending a knighting ceremony on the second floor,” the King of the Andals and the First Men bellowed. “Let us bid farewell to our greatest enemy. May every step perish in the Seven Hells.”
Later, after a servant transferred the mighty ruler from wheelchair to throne, King Stark reportedly began drafting a second decree to escalate punishment for citizens found guilty of riding under the influence.