SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Emphasizing concern for their son, San Francisco parents Debbie and Mark Miller fear their child might face discrimination for his ordinary, run-of-the-mill qualities.
“As new parents in such a hip area, we can’t help but be scared for our son who still uses Facebook,” Debbie said, adding that he also listens to FM radio.
“Any San Franciscan wearing a naturally aged Buffalo Exchange jean jacket looking at Tyler differently based on the Billabong T-shirt he wears is what we fear the most. We worry he’ll be ostracized for not owning Doc Martins.”
The Millers also stated that despite offering to take him to a hole-in-the-wall barber shop on Geary for an edgy, bleached faux hawk, Tyler preferred a standard trim at Sports Clips.
“Most of the kids around here are into discussing feminist film theory at vegan coffee shops and going to Yoga to the People,” Debbie said, holding back tears. “But our Tyler would much rather watch The Office or play Call of Duty.”
Mark believes his lack of eccentricities stems from his inability to read between the lines, which has translated to not being “woke” in the slightest.
“All of this leads us to believe that Tyler might be straight. Of course, we love him unconditionally, but as his parents we’re concerned with how not being pansexual might impact his life in the city.”