SAN DIEGO, CA—In response to criticism over the quality of life their sea animals experience in captivity, SeaWorld claimed it would begin depositing plastic bags in containment tanks to simulate the marine life’s natural habitat.
“We want all dolphins, whales, and sea turtles to feel at home. To ensure this, we are taking steps to mirror their experience in the ocean by scattering plastic bags, bottles, and utensils in containment tanks several times per day,” SeaWorld spokesperson Frederic Sims said, adding that they have encouraged staff to take a piss or drop a half-finished Yoplait cup in the otter exhibit while on break.
“Furthermore, we’ve allied with companies like ExxonMobil and Shell to dump toxic waste so our stingrays can feel like they’re right off the coast of Somalia again,” Sims went on, noting that parkgoers can aide the cause at the Explorer’s Reef where they can strangle their very own sea turtle with a six-pack soda ring.
Added Sims: “To cement our dedication to this issue, we have replaced all of our trash cans with fish tanks.”
Later, Sims announced they had finished creating an ocean-like environment by setting the tanks to slowly overflow.