ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Alleging that they were given unfair treatment based strictly on the level of their intelligence, parents are threatening to sue an Orange County high school for giving their dumbass children worse grades than smart students.
The plaintiffs claim they [good-for-nothing assclowns who get high and play Fortnite the night before an exam] are being systematically displaced by students who pay attention in class, study, and generally care about their future.
“Both of my kids are colossal idiots and have been ostracized at school precisely because of the letter of their grades,” mother Claire Selinsky said, pointing out the school has unashamedly reserved higher learning classes for students that can add and read. “The system is rigged against them. How can they get into a decent college if the school is gatekeeping required courses to students who got at least a C- in Ceramics?”
Additionally, certified dipshits claim teachers have given preferential treatment to students who weren’t vaping in the back of the classroom texting Justin’s “chill” older brother to buy them Malibu for Kelsey’s thing this weekend.
Unfathomably dumb sons of bitches also report that some of the promising students have resorted to name-calling, using derogatory terms such as “shit-for-brains” and “full-on fucksticks” and, in certain instances, abusing their “smart privilege” by asking minority dumbshits if Jack In The Box has a retirement plan.
Since then, grade-A morons have organized rallies in front of the school where they hold signs that read ‘End The Injustis’ and chant for a ride in someone’s trunk so they can skip fifth period.
PASADENA, CA—Asserting that their research has reached a firm conclusion, seismologists at the Caltech Seismology Laboratory determined the next big or small earthquake would be in a place and at a time.
“After analyzing the shifting plate tectonics of the recent 6.4 and 7.1 magnitude earthquakes, the data we have gathered definitively proves that the next earthquake will be of a magnitude greater than zero,” said lead research engineer Frederic Sims, noting that his team would have a more accurate prediction a day or two after it happens.
At E3 this year, I was among the select few invited to a private beta test for the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare reboot.
Although I went in not expecting much from an otherwise exhausted franchise, I was blown away by one feature that made me believe a series rebirth is possible. Known for its over-the-top combat and futuristic setting in recent years, Modern Warfare is a breath of fresh air for its rich array of nonviolent conflict resolution techniques intricately designed to calmly de-escalate any hostile encounter.
Single Player Campaign
For all of its violent battle mechanics—like airstrikes and blood-spattering headshots—Modern Warfare boasts just as many mindful, level-headed approaches. Take for example, the opening sequence where you choose between a sniper rifle, submachine gun, and a copy of The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. Right away, I had to decide whether to dispatch the target from a distance, get up close and personal, or look within, realize I’m getting emotionally involved, and opt for a self-care day to meditate on next steps.
Better yet, another particularly gruesome scene gives players the option to follow orders and gun down innocent civilians in an Azerbaijan market square—a choice that sparks World War III—or tackle the issue privately with Captain Price and learn that he made the impulsive call on an empty stomach.
You’ll find many moments like these in the carefully designed choice-driven narrative that organically culminates in one of 57 different endings, ranging from a nuke decimating a quarter of the globe to having a kickass time at mercenary leader Imran Zakhaev’s cabin in Breckinridge tearing up the slopes and roasting smores.
Whether you use your breath to steady the sniper scope or your emotions, the fate of the world is in your hands.
With a richly detailed character customization screen, I was awestruck with how I could choose from over 75 weapons, compliment my load out with flashbangs and throwing knives, and put my stamp on it with a camouflage skin. Equally, however, I was able to go for a more holistic approach and catch my militant foes off guard with the Relaxed Posture and Positive Attitude perks.
By stringing together consecutive steps in resolving conflict, a player can unlock what is known as “Kindstreaks.” In one situation, after I invited a hostile to take a seat, thanked him for coming, and asked if he would like a La Croix, I could then call in an “Uber Eats Airdrop” to enjoy with my blood-thirsting enemy as a gesture of good faith.
The beautifully reimagined map “Overgrown” in particular struck a nostalgic chord as I relived the days of my youth quickscoping enemies from afar with the iconic M-40A3 bolt-action rifle. But as an adult, I was more impressed by the new map, “Closed-Door Office”: a safe space where players can engage in a meaningful 1-on-1 close quarters discussion.
Certain game modes encouraged diplomacy in voice chat by motivating players to discuss why their battle is occurring rather than blindly escalate the situation with violence. For example, after I validated the other team’s feelings in a round of Domination, I then coordinated appropriate times for each team to capture flags without any killing needed. With a final score of 200 – 200, everybody won.
By far, my favorite addition was ‘Peacemaker’ mode: a co-op game mode for advanced players to de-escalate heated arguments in the fastest time possible. Similar to Spec Ops in previous titles, players need to use active listening and be adept at I-statements to stand a chance. For example, instead of saying, “you’ll piss me off if you murder the hostages”, it is more effective to hold ‘X’, bring up a list of dialogue options, and select, “I would feel unheard if the hostages are murdered.”
Before I knew it, I was denuclearizing a volatile country by avoiding sharp words and maintaining a gentle tone of voice with a radical Middle Eastern terrorist organization!
“Our mission is to give players full-control in the heat of combat. For some, that means unloading a clip of your red dot sight M-60 into enemy lines, but for others, that might mean halting battle, climbing atop a Humvee, and asking, ‘Hey, can we just chill out for a second?’” game director Frederic Sims said.
Between choices like sleeping on it, taking a walk to cool off, and readdressing the issue at a later date, Modern Warfare adds a unique RPG element that makes combat thoroughly enjoyable, even for the most pacifistic gamer.
Rarely does a video game impact me IRL, but I would be remiss not to mention that Modern Warfare has made me a better person at heart. Many of the techniques I learned in game are surprisingly useful in the workplace and at home. These have reminded me that, if I take a moment to remember the Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, and Reason, there is often an easy way to avoid a messy fight. And when there isn’t, I always have that rocket-propelled grenade launcher under my bed.
It’s refreshing to see a little modern welfare in Modern Warfare.
“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.
Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.
More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.
“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.
Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.
“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.
Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”
SILICON VALLEY—Watching the high-end vehicle explode and the driver escape engulfed in flames, two bystanders reported the smug prick was doing nothing if not trying to show off his Tesla.
“Look at him parade around like he’s better than us,” bystander Frederic Sims said, rolling his eyes at the “total douchebag” show off his vehicle’s exclusive auto-detonation feature by marching around the parking lot enveloped in a conflagration abruptly halting traffic. “Who does he think he is?” Sims added.
Witnesses on the scene confirmed the insufferable braggart also tried to strike up random conversations with strangers about his top-of-the-line, renewable energy, custom-painted, currently on fire vehicle.
“Call 911!” the self-aggrandizing, pretentious asshole flirted to a young woman minding her own business.
Soon after the flames died out and the pompous elite finally shut the hell up, paramedics on the scene declared the man “totally full of himself.”
WESTEROS—Exercising the power of the Iron Throne, recently crowned King Bran Stark issued an executive decree Monday to install wheelchair accessible ramps in all Seven Kingdoms.
“In effect immediately, my first act as ruler and Protector of the Realm shall be to provide handicapped accommodations for every Westerosian suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncommon, severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis!” Stark echoed from his balcony to a sea of cheering citizens afflicted with lower back pain.
The new decree—Title 19, Section 51322(g)—will reportedly require all government buildings and commercial property owners to have ramps constructed with 4 inch thick Ironwood platforms and Valyrian steel handrails. Certain public transportation services, such as Golden Company Elephants and King’s Landing Dragons, will also be required to have Vertical Wheelchair Lifts (VWL) and bi-fold ramps to ensure handicapped humans, White Walkers, and Children of the Forest can comfortably board their mythical being.
“Today is a victory for any disabled Westerosian who’s ever been prevented from making a deposit at the Iron Bank of Braavos or attending a knighting ceremony on the second floor,” the King of the Andals and the First Men bellowed. “Let us bid farewell to our greatest enemy. May every step perish in the Seven Hells.”
Later, after a servant transferred the mighty ruler from wheelchair to throne, King Stark reportedly began drafting a second decree to escalate punishment for citizens found guilty of riding under the influence.