City Council Approves Funding To Build New Public Sex Park

trees-grass-lawn-park-2336
Build site for Harris P. Vanderley (HPV) Park

CHESTERTON, IL—When most people think about sex parks, they think of a place where risky folks like to hang out and cause trouble. But for the Chesterton community, that sentiment couldn’t be further from the truth.

“We believe this addition will not only end complaints from residents and commercial property owners but also free law enforcement from shooing away solicitors by providing a safe environment for exhibitionists to ride in peace,” said city councilman Frederic Sims.

“If a city doesn’t have a sex park, it is a sex park,” he added.

no sex sign copy headline
One of many signs around Chesterton that will no longer be needed

The park will reportedly feature steel grind rails, ramps for lumbar support, dimly lit alleyways, and a full-time roaming security guard to add suspense. Additionally, while park users are required to wear protection at all times, kneepads are strongly encouraged.

According to locals, the park is a welcome addition that has been teased for far too long.

“What a relief,” said local Alex McClure. “I was getting tired of being asked to leave the Pick Up Stix parking lot.”

“Agreed,” added Pick Up Stix line cook Dante Mitchell.

Related: School Faces Discrimination Charges For Giving Dipshits Lower Test Scores

However, some take issue with the government leveraging them into a position they’re uncomfortable with.

“It shouldn’t be a government’s place to tell me where I can and can’t enjoy my passion,” said AT&T service associate Zach Simmons. “Plus, sex parks like that always get super crowded. I’d rather just stick to my usual spot at the Wells Fargo staircase.”

Sims emphasized the park will be suitable for everyone no matter his or her skill level. In addition, on Tuesday nights instructors will offer classes for newcomers looking to get into the sex scene.

“Naturally, if you don’t plan on going solo, each person is allowed one guest. However, a small fee will be charged for those who wish to bring two or more,” Sims said, clarifying that family members do not count as guests.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

“And for those who just like to watch, be on the lookout for monthly events where you can see local amateurs and well-known pros pull off some crazy tricks,” Sims said, teasing a guest appearance of someone who competed in the 2018 XXX Games.

Sims concluded by verifying construction will begin in January and the department will announce when they are close to finishing.

Jeff Bezos Reprimands Daughter For Spending Too Little

bezos living room
Bezos explains to daughter what kind of people shop at Ross

MEDINA, WASHINGTON—In an attempt to figure out the meaning behind her responsible spending habits, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly chastised his daughter Monday for not spending an exorbitant amount of money.

“$45 at Nordstrom? $11 at Chipotle? Let’s get one thing straight. When your personal driver drops you at the mall, I expect you to be reckless and impulsive with my endless stream of cash,” Bezos said, harshly reminding his daughter of her $50,000 weekly allowance.

Related: Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

“Money doesn’t grow on trees, okay? It sits in my bank account and multiplies exponentially,” Bezos went on, growing increasingly frustrated after learning his daughter purchased a pair of Converse on sale to “save money.”

“15% off? Jesus Christ. I don’t sit around all day and passively accumulate an unfathomable stockpile of capital so you can be the poster child for the Salvation Army. Show some respect and buy a fleet of yachts like the goddamn unhinged billionaire I raised you to be,” Bezos said, adding that it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while she tried purchasing the rights to the Star Wars franchise or putting Somalia on her debit card.

Related: Bystanders Roll Eyes At Smug Tesla Driver Engulfed In Flames

Bezos reportedly grounded his daughter by sending her to her private island off the coast of Belize where she will think long and hard about properly abusing her privilege.

What You Need To Know: Facebook & Islamic Extremist Groups

Facebook has been the center of criticism after inadvertently providing Islamic extremist groups with a networking and recruitment tool. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • Answers the question, “who even uses Facebook anymore?”
  • Marks the largest extremist group given a platform by Facebook since the “Moms For Trump” page
  • Ruins having meaningful, face-to-face conversations about the ultimate sacrifice like we used to
  • Glad to see grandma found a new hobby
  • Bi-weekly meet & greets at the Holiday Inn in Roseville. Snacks and beverages provided
  • Worse, LinkedIn just listed the position “Part-Time Suicide Bomber”
    1. Position is “temporary”
    2. Ideal candidates will be self-starters
    3. Must have at least 4 years of experience in a related field
  • Still better than vacation photos
  • Apparently, what drew them in was Facebook’s terms and conditions mirror Sharia Law
  • Boastful nature of Facebook might set false standard of deriving self-worth from how many hospitals you’ve blown up
  • Finally, a place where Islamic Extremists and White Supremacists can all get along
  • Sadly, unaware they could reach more people on Instagram
  • So when Facebook does it, they’re “criticized”, but when I do it, I “have the right to remain silent?”

Read: What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

Magic Tree House Author Apologizes For Latest Book Set At Tiananmen Square

magictreehouseheadline
Tiananmen Square Image Attribution: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Derzsi_Elekes_Andor

CHINA—Expressing deep regret for the historical errors in her latest novel, author Mary Pope Osborne of the popular children’s book series The Magic Tree House apologized Monday for showing young readers a completely fictional massacre at Tiananmen Square in 1989 that never happened.

“While I hoped to educate children on the importance of democracy using a poignant moment in history, I now realize I should have checked my sources before sending Jack and Annie on a journey through time to witness some phony public mass execution,” Osborne said, making clear that there were never any tanks involved, not a single soldier that took aim, and certainly no casualties whatsoever.

“I was really using my imagination,” she added.

Related: U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

“Looking back, perhaps I should’ve written about a true event—like the day the world celebrated when the CPC took power—instead of minutely describing the nonexistent hailstorm of bullets that tore through a protestor’s flesh and sprayed Jack’s glasses in a red mist, along with 13 consecutive pages of internal dialogue where Jack debates taking his own life after witnessing swathes of people fall prey to their own government,” Osborne went on, admitting that she should’ve consulted a history book and focused the story on something real and not Annie being trapped in history and used as a guinea pig to test experimental drugs in a Chinese concentration camp.

Related: Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

“If I myself could go back in time, I would change the name to something more accurate than Magic Tree House: Martial Law In The Morning,” Osborne said. “Maybe something like Just A Normal Day In June.”

After thanking Chinese distributors for correcting her mistake, Osborne went on to say her next novel set in current day Hong Kong is extremely accurate and will be titled Magic Tree House: Futile Protests On A Friday.

What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

The porn site BangBros has bid $10 million on the naming rights for the Miami Dolphins stadium. Keep reading for a summary of what we know so far.

Key Points:

  • To be named Stadium of the Dolphins, or “STD” for short
  • BangBros to build a live exhibit where fans can ride a Dolphin
  • Must be 18 or over to enter
  • First became interested after seeing QB Josh Rosen getting no protection
  • Games will be broadcast under “Amateur” category
  • San Francisco denied a similar request after discovering they would become the 69ers
  • Transportation for elderly will be provided in the form of 30-passenger BangBuses
  • Fans will still enter each game with excitement and leave with shame
  • Following their lead, Zootube bid for the rights to the Cleveland Browns Dawg Pound
  • Brings new meaning to telling the visiting team to “go fuck yourselves”
  • Halftime shows to be performed by famed artists Johnny Sins and Nikki Benz with surprise appearances by Tommy Gun, Ron Jeremy, and Danny Mountain
  • BangBros announced plans to have “Couples Night” throughout the season where fans are encouraged to bring their significant others, or as Floridians call them: mom

Marianne Williamson Admits Nation Not Ready For President Who Can Cast Blood Magic

marianne
Williamson casts Blood Typhoon, a high level runic spell, for reporters

DURNSHIRE WOODS, MOONMYST ISLE—Attributing a drop in polls to her ideas being too profound for the average American to comprehend, presidential candidate Marianne Williamson told reporters Tuesday the nation may not be ready for a president who is a devoted practitioner of the dark arts.

“As a full-fledged Scion of the Sixth Serenity, I know firsthand how much the nation could benefit from the blessing light of Lunaria. But for mere mortals who have never bathed in the glimmering Pools of Salvatar or studied the three schools of blood magic under High Priest C’Thajh, I can see why my ideas are difficult to grasp,” Williamson said, adding that she regrets her Eight Fold Illumination plan for the United States will never see action.

Related: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

“I was to bring reparations to African-Americans just as I brought justice to the Highborne persecuted in their own cloud haven! Global warming could’ve been cast to oblivion if I had the chance to replace vehicles with Dragon Serpents of the West Wind! Solving the homelessness crisis is as easy as summoning the ancient Tree god Gungor for shelter and hate could have forever been undone simply by having each citizen peer into the Mirror of A Thousand Infinities!” Williamson echoed, noting that with two Etherwood Fickles and a four-verse incantation, she also had plans to cast a peace ward on the Middle East.

“Despite reminding Americans frequently of my qualifications—such as when I vanquished the life-stealing necromancer Ar’Qir or the time I protected the realm by polymorphing an ogre abomination into Ted Cruz—they still write me off as some lunatic. Their loss I guess,” Williamson said, signaling an aide to fetch her grimoire.

Related: Bran Orders Executive Decree To Build Wheelchair Accessible Ramps In All Seven Kingdoms

For the time being, Williamson concluded she would open a portal to the Night Elf capital of Ala’Ska where she will seek council from Eternal Outcast Palin and lie in slumber until the nation heeds her call.

18 Years Later: MTV Remembers Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ Album Debut

woman_mariah_carey_singer

NEW YORK—Marking the 18th anniversary of the event that occurred on 9/11, the Music Television Channel took a moment on air Wednesday to reflect on the horrific day Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” album hit shelves.

“Let us take pause to acknowledge the millions of Americans whose lives were changed forever by the sickening, at times appalling ballads heard in ‘Lead The Way,’” MTV Networks CEO Frederic Sims said.

Related: ‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

“A historical moment that changed how we think about pop and hip hop, Carey’s off-key blend of New York Latin disco and hair-salon soul will forever be remembered for its deadly attack on the nation’s speaker systems,” Sims went on. “Fortunately, ‘Glitter’ ultimately brought Americans together in its sheer atrocity. We became stronger, more united, and cognizant that our ears could be the victims of a subpar remix of ‘Last Night A DJ Saved My Life’ at any time.”

As a nation, Sims stated we must never forget the day we stood in disbelief as Carey tried to hit and hold the High C.

Related: ‘Tasty’ To Expand To Homemade, Instructional Surgery Videos By 2020