Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

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VIRGINIA – In a rare move crossing party lines, Vice-President Mike Pence gave an unprompted endorsement of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam who is being asked to resign after racist photos from his past emerged.

“While our politics differ, Governor Northam and I agree on what matters most,” Pence began. “To represent and faithfully instill pure Americanism.”

Pence went on to say, “These photos from his past do nothing but highlight his commitment to the beliefs of our forefathers and embolden his resilience in upholding the subtext of our Constitution.”

Pence’s speech, which was supposed to last fifteen minutes, extended well over an hour, praising Northam’s storied resumé of textbook bigotry.

“Governor Northam has his priorities exactly where they should be,” Pence raved. “In the eighteenth century.”

“If Governor Northam heeds my advice and does not resign, I believe, with time, Virginia voters will see Northam not just for the simple racist he is on the outside, but also the devoted champion of bigotry he is on the inside,” he concluded.

Current polls show that Northam is thriving with voters who describe themselves as closet racists and dominated among those who are 100 years or older.

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Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

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Image Attribution: Voice of America [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation, a source close to the White House reports that President Trump is going to focus his State Of The Union Speech tonight on the successful execution of sixth grade level English.

“The President has worked nonstop these past few weeks,” the source said. “Mr. Trump has taken painstaking efforts to learn the relationship between a subject and predicate.”

The source went on to say that Trump was granted security clearance to stay up past his strict 9:00 PM bedtime to practice flash cards with his speechwriter, 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Selinsky.

“In just four weeks, Donny has gone from using elementary words like big and huge to incorporating multi-syllabic terms that would rival that of a high school student,” Selinsky bragged.

A leaked copy of the speech reveals his agenda to incorporate advanced words such as “citizen” and “viewpoint,” though Selinsky refused to comment when asked if Trump would require help sounding words out at the podium.

Critics on the other side of the aisle are doubtful that Trump will follow through, calling it “more unlikely than the wall.”

The source went on to say that, despite frequent repetition, Trump still requires more practice before using the term “democracy.”

Gordon Ramsay To Teach MasterClass On The Art Of Verbal Abuse

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Image Attribution: www.davepullig.co.uk/

ENGLAND – Finally succumbing to fan requests, the online education platform, MasterClass, will feature Gordon Ramsay as an instructor teaching a class on the artistry of verbal assault.

“Before I was on TV, I mastered my craft,” Ramsay said in a preview video. “I spent years learning the proper way to tell someone to fuck off, the intricacies of preparing a public shaming, and, of course, the craftsmanship of talking someone into suicide.”

The lesson plan will consist of an introduction to basic insults, a history of Gordon’s journey learning from insult masters, and, finally, concluding with a 1-on-1 FaceTime final exam with the master himself.

“Concocting the perfect insult is an art in itself,” Ramsay went on. “For the first time ever, you will learn how to impeccably prepare the ingredients for a seething insult from start to finish.”

“I will teach you some of my favorite insults, like: your face gives Hiroshima survivors flashbacks, and, I bet your aunt and uncle are also your mother and father.”

Frederic Sims, an aspiring asshole who was given early-access, gave the class three Michelin stars, saying, “I can already feel the difference when insulting my family members and co-workers. In just four weeks, I went from being an amateur shithead to a genuine psychopath. I feel amazing.”

Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

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Image Attribution: Library Of Congress

VERMONT – Coming just days before announcing his 2020 presidential campaign, the whistle blowing platform WikiLeaks revealed a troubling photo of Bernie Sanders accepting money from a Wells Fargo Wagon in the year 1914.

The photo comes as a shock to Sanders supporters based on his lifelong condemnation of big banks unfairly influencing elections.

Supporters of Sanders spoke out, asking, “how can we trust someone who publicly opposes big money, but still accepts twenty whole dollars behind our back?”

Sanders released a statement on his website, defusing the tension: “That photo comes from a time when I was a young, impressionable 45 year old. I am not the same person I was 105 years ago.”

Frederic Sims, a history professor at the University of Redlands, researched the transaction, stating the funds Sanders accepted were used for direct mail advertising, allowing him to deploy three times as many carrier pigeons as his opponent.

The Trump administration immediately seized on the revelation, with one Trump aide alleging that Sander’s shady relationship with banks suggests he might have made dealings with oil industry magnate J.D. Rockefeller as well.

Sources close to Sanders report he is on edge, hoping WikiLeaks does not find a controversial hieroglyphic of him accepting a free grain endorsement in 511 B.C.

911 Operator Going To Put You On Hold For Just One Moment

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THOUSAND OAKS – Saying the line is busy, 911 operator Sandra Kaminski reportedly asked if she could put you on hold for just one moment.

“Hi, this is 911. Can you hold?” Kaminski asked, noting it would just be one moment while your refrigerator continued crushing you from the neck down.

Before you could respond, Kaminski proceeded to put you on hold where you were pleasantly greeted by a blend of smooth jazz with harmonic bass guitar riffs as the thought seeped in that you would probably never walk again.

“Thank you for calling 911. This is Sandra, how may I help you?” she answered right when you were about to hang up and try again in five minutes.

After stating your condition, the operator repeated your emergency back “just to double-check.” “Okay, so I have two broken legs, a ruptured spleen, and a full rack of broken ribs. Your ambulance will be ready in 15-20 minutes. The total is $9,075.81.”

Later, a nurse printed out your receipt, highlighted a portion at the bottom, and asked you to fill out an online survey rating their performance to win a $25 Kaiser Permanente gift card.

‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

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Image Attribution: RealityJunkies.com

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY – Riding the success of their popular Netflix film, the creators of “Bandersnatch” have signed a deal with Pornhub to create a second interactive movie.

The immersive experience reportedly begins by flawlessly replicating a viewers average 13-18 minute search for a video that is “eh, good enough.”

Viewers then have the choice of arriving as a “plumber to lay some pipe” or a “pizza boy to a sorority that can’t pay for their order.”

The endless array of options include seducing a burglar, asking your teacher for extra credit, and opting out of a comfortable bed for a black, leather couch, along with an assortment of unforgettable dialogue choices.

With industry heavyweight Asa Akira as the main protagonist, the film is also being celebrated for casting a strong, diverse female lead.

Adult film critics have already said the 250 possible money shots guarantee viewers a one-of-a-kind, personalized experience every time they watch.

“Poundhersnatch” is set to release early next summer.

Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

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SEATTLE, WA – Following a divorce with his wife of 25 years, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will launch an exhaustive search for eligible new wife candidates from all over North America.

Bezos plans to invest more than $66 billion in “a real connection” with his new partner, which he says will be “way hotter than that bitch MacKenzie.”

To find the perfect match, Bezos is inviting women from all over the country to submit a proposal based document listed on Amazon’s website.

In the document, Bezos is asking for 5 headshots, a cat or dog preference, and a short blurb about what they like to do for fun.

To begin a lifetime of happiness as soon as possible, Bezos wants a timetable of “Phase 1”, outlining when the first “spark” in the relationship is expected.

Bezos clearly stated that consent to a prenuptial agreement would be the greatest determining factor.

An inside source reports that Bezos currently has his eyes set on two candidates from New York and Northern Virginia.