The Lupica Factor’s Summer Must See TV Watchlist

The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!

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The Bachelorette | ABC

The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.

Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.

Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?

Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.

Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?

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NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.

What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.

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Big Little Lies | HBO

Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.

The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.

Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.

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The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.

What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.

Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2nd on 60 Minutes.

The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.

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Pennyworth | Epix

Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.

Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.

The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.

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Watchmen | HBO

Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.

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Horses Stand In Solidarity With Uber Drivers To Demand Better Hay

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Chester, a member of Rideshare Horses United, leading Carthusians and Clydesdales in protest chants

COUNTRYSIDE—Joining Uber drivers in the strike for higher wages and improved benefits, horses in more than a dozen major pastures are reportedly demanding increased hay for their ride-sharing services.

In addition to removing their saddles, horses will hold rallies in strategic places, such as outside local barns in high-traffic countryside areas. In Texas and New Mexico, Shetlands and Mustangs are slated to cease transporting passengers for 24 hours. In Kentucky, Trixie—an onyx stallion who heads Horses United—has planned a two-hour strike from 6am to 8am during busy cattle herding hours.

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Unlike dogs who work as full-time service animals, horses often work as independent contractors on a per-trail basis, foregoing many of the liberties that come with traditional employment in favor of a more flexible schedule. As workers in the gig-economy, trusty steeds believe going on strike is the only way to make their neighs heard.

Participating horses intend to send a message to their owners: they want a livable hay-rate, bigger stables, dental insurance, a 10% commission cap on miles galloped, and a retirement plan outside of being put down, according to a horse bill of rights circulating on Twitter.

Sources project this to be the largest animal-led protest since the historic march of the penguins in 2005.

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Crystal Geyser Leaks Blueprints For Next-Generation Water Bottle

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Crystal Geyser’s leaked blueprints hint at new groundbreaking water encapsulation technology

CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.

The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.

Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”

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Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.

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In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.

Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:

When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.

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Warriors Now Selling Authentic, Blood-Stained Draymond Green Jerseys

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Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel

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EARTH—Saying it’s just a matter of time, a fan theory has emerged online detailing potential for a sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II.

“They left plenty of Easter eggs hinting at it and there are so many questions left unanswered: What happened to the Allied Powers? Will Japan get revenge? Is Hitler still alive?” history buff Frederic Sims wrote in an online forum, emphasizing that World War II ended on a major cliffhanger and fans are dying to see how the series culminates in a climactic finale.

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“Even though it dragged on at the end, World War II had the best character development. Hideki Tojo was such a likable antihero and I could see his ideals playing a major role in New Japan—or whatever they decide to call it,” Sims went on, pointing out that the third installment is inevitable given how much it would gross both domestic and abroad.

Adding that there are plenty of avenues the narrative could take, Sims highlighted conflict in the South China Sea, rising tensions in Iran, Syria, and North Korea, and the nuclear arms race to be the most plausible inciting incidents. “Personally, I believe the latter is the most likely. We only got a glimpse of their potential in II at the end of act three,” Sims wrote.

“Germany did a killer job producing the first two, but I think either Russia or the U.S. will take the reins this time,” Sims speculated, acknowledging that while the countries have been involved with other projects since then, neither the Cold War nor the Vietnam War count as true sequels.

Sims ended on an optimistic note, stating, “It’s been 74 years in the making so this will certainly be the greatest war in the trilogy.”

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Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

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NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

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Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

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ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

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SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.

U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.

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Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.

Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.

“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.

In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.

In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”

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