Crystal Geyser Leaks Blueprints For Next-Generation Water Bottle

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Crystal Geyser’s leaked blueprints hint at new groundbreaking water encapsulation technology

CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.

The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.

Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”

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Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.

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In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.

Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:

When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.

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Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

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Attendees who purchased a $5 bottle of molly water. Available at select event booths.

INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.

“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.

The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.

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Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”

“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.

Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.

When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.

In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..

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