Warner Bros. CEO Resigns After Being Found Guilty Of Sleeping With A 6

HOLLYWOOD—Scandal rocked Hollywood this week as a series of leaked text messages revealed Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara had an intimate relationship with actress and well-known 6 Charlotte Kirk.

Tsujihara has reportedly stepped down amid an investigation into the improper relationship between himself and Kirk, who sources confirmed is a 6—maybe a 7 on a good day.

Since the scandal broke, Tsujihara has received harsh criticism. “Really? Her?” said one critic struggling to grapple with the fact that the CEO would ruin his personal life and career for someone who’s not ugly, but also not attractive either.

Related: Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Tsujihara—who analysts gauge is barely a 5 lookswise, but whose wealth and power bring him up to a respectable 8—has released a statement, apologizing: “I am deeply sorry for the embarrassment I have caused my wife and children by sneaking around with a total 6. While she was super down to earth, I deeply regret not abusing my power for at least a 7.”

Tsujihara’s wife, Sandy—a solid 7—expressed disappointment in her husband’s inexcusable behavior of lowering his standards for someone who seems nice but isn’t much to look at.

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On the other hand, Kirk has received support from 6’s across the country, declaring it a win for average looking people and calling it “a step in the right direction” towards an inclusive environment where everyone is given a fair shot at soliciting sex regardless of whether they are a barely fuckable 5 or a drop dead 10.

A wave of relief swept the industry when sources confirmed the relationship was, in fact, consensual.

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Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation


WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.