HOLLYWOOD—Scandal rocked Hollywood this week as a series of leaked text messages revealed Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara had an intimate relationship with actress and well-known 6 Charlotte Kirk.
Tsujihara has reportedly stepped down amid an investigation into the improper relationship between himself and Kirk, who sources confirmed is a 6—maybe a 7 on a good day.
Since the scandal broke, Tsujihara has received harsh criticism. “Really? Her?” said one critic struggling to grapple with the fact that the CEO would ruin his personal life and career for someone who’s not ugly, but also not attractive either.
Tsujihara—who analysts gauge is barely a 5 lookswise, but whose wealth and power bring him up to a respectable 8—has released a statement, apologizing: “I am deeply sorry for the embarrassment I have caused my wife and children by sneaking around with a total 6. While she had an awesome personality, I deeply regret not abusing my power for at least a 7.”
Tsujihara’s wife, Sandy—a solid 7—expressed disappointment in her husband’s inexcusable behavior of lowering his standards for someone who seems nice but isn’t much to look at.
On the other hand, Kirk has received support from 6’s across the country, declaring it a win for average looking people and calling it “a step in the right direction” towards an inclusive environment where everyone is given a fair shot at soliciting sex regardless of whether they are a barely fuckable 5 or a drop dead 10.
A wave of relief swept the industry when sources confirmed the relationship was, in fact, consensual.