Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

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VIRGINIA – In a rare move crossing party lines, Vice-President Mike Pence gave an unprompted endorsement of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam who is being asked to resign after racist photos from his past emerged.

“While our politics differ, Governor Northam and I agree on what matters most,” Pence began. “To represent and faithfully instill pure Americanism.”

Pence went on to say, “These photos from his past do nothing but highlight his commitment to the beliefs of our forefathers and embolden his resilience in upholding the subtext of our Constitution.”

Pence’s speech, which was supposed to last fifteen minutes, extended well over an hour, praising Northam’s storied resumé of textbook bigotry.

“Governor Northam has his priorities exactly where they should be,” Pence raved. “In the eighteenth century.”

“If Governor Northam heeds my advice and does not resign, I believe, with time, Virginia voters will see Northam not just for the simple racist he is on the outside, but also the devoted champion of bigotry he is on the inside,” he concluded.

Current polls show that Northam is thriving with voters who describe themselves as closet racists and dominated among those who are 100 years or older.

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Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

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SEATTLE, WA – Following a divorce with his wife of 25 years, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will launch an exhaustive search for eligible new wife candidates from all over North America.

Bezos plans to invest more than $66 billion in “a real connection” with his new partner, which he says will be “way hotter than that bitch MacKenzie.”

Related: Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

To find the perfect match, Bezos is inviting women from all over the country to submit a proposal based document listed on Amazon’s website.

In the document, Bezos is asking for 5 headshots, a cat or dog preference, and a short blurb about what they like to do for fun.

To begin a lifetime of happiness as soon as possible, Bezos wants a timetable of “Phase 1”, outlining when the first “spark” in the relationship is expected.

Bezos clearly stated that consent to a prenuptial agreement would be the greatest determining factor.

An inside source reports that Bezos currently has his eyes set on two candidates from New York and Northern Virginia.

Related: Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire