Tag: United States

Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Christian Lupica

POSTER

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Christian Lupica

Border car

MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

usa-map-with-mexico-5

Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.

Nation Condemns Trump Executive Order Separating Raisins From Trail Mix

Christian Lupica

WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to criticism over his travel ban separating families at the border, President Trump doubled down on a new bill this Tuesday that would separate raisins from almonds, pistachios, and the rest of their trail mix families.

Recently appointed Attorney General, Matthew Whitaker, claimed the decision is part of their new “zero-fiber” policy, stating, “our goal is to properly organize every food item that is brought to us.”

Because every food item that enters a grocery store is subject to inspection and dried fruits are not allowed to be held in the nut aisle, they are forcibly taken from their pistachios and almonds and relocated to a different aisle altogether.

An FDA spokesman revealed that 2.5 million raisins have been separated from 2.8 million other ingredients between October 29th and November 15th. Raisin Advocacy Groups, however, claim that at least 1 million more have been separated since then.

Reporters who have toured grocery stores describe the raisins’ new packing conditions as airtight, uncomfortable, and much different from their former semi-inflated mini trail mix package.

Critics have called this “immoral and cruel”, stating, “there is no system in place to reunite each raisin with its original packaging. There’s even a chance a bag of nuts could be recalled while its raisins are left behind.”

Former first lady and healthy family advocate, Michelle Obama, responded, “separating raisins from trail mix contradicts everything we stand for in a midday snack. In fact, highly stressful experiences, like fruit-nut separation, can have a detrimental impact on one’s grocery list.”

The administration is currently facing pressure from lawmakers in both parties as well as vegans, nutritionists, hikers, and moms packing lunches.