Tag: Trump

Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Christian Lupica

Border car

MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

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Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.

Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

Christian Lupica

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VIRGINIA – In a rare move crossing party lines, Vice-President Mike Pence gave an unprompted endorsement of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam who is being asked to resign after racist photos from his past emerged.

“While our politics differ, Governor Northam and I agree on what matters most,” Pence began. “To represent and faithfully instill pure Americanism.”

Pence went on to say, “These photos from his past do nothing but highlight his commitment to the beliefs of our forefathers and embolden his resilience in upholding the subtext of our Constitution.”

Pence’s speech, which was supposed to last fifteen minutes, extended well over an hour, praising Northam’s storied resumé of textbook bigotry.

“Governor Northam has his priorities exactly where they should be,” Pence raved. “In the eighteenth century.”

“If Governor Northam heeds my advice and does not resign, I believe, with time, Virginia voters will see Northam not just for the simple racist he is on the outside, but also the devoted champion of bigotry he is on the inside,” he concluded.

Current polls show that Northam is thriving with voters who describe themselves as closet racists and dominated among those who are 100 years or older.

Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

Christian Lupica

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Image Attribution: Voice of America [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation, a source close to the White House reports that President Trump is going to focus his State Of The Union Speech tonight on the successful execution of sixth grade level English.

“The President has worked nonstop these past few weeks,” the source said. “Mr. Trump has taken painstaking efforts to learn the relationship between a subject and predicate.”

The source went on to say that Trump was granted security clearance to stay up past his strict 9:00 PM bedtime to practice flash cards with his speechwriter, 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Selinsky.

“In just four weeks, Donny has gone from using elementary words like big and huge to incorporating multi-syllabic terms that would rival that of a high school student,” Selinsky bragged.

A leaked copy of the speech reveals his agenda to incorporate advanced words such as “citizen” and “viewpoint,” though Selinsky refused to comment when asked if Trump would require help sounding words out at the podium.

Critics on the other side of the aisle are doubtful that Trump will follow through, calling it “more unlikely than the wall.”

The source went on to say that, despite frequent repetition, Trump still requires more practice before using the term “democracy.”

Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Christian Lupica
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Image Attribution: Library Of Congress

VERMONT – Coming just days before announcing his 2020 presidential campaign, the whistle blowing platform WikiLeaks revealed a troubling photo of Bernie Sanders accepting money from a Wells Fargo Wagon in the year 1914.

The photo comes as a shock to Sanders supporters based on his lifelong condemnation of big banks unfairly influencing elections.

Supporters of Sanders spoke out, asking, “how can we trust someone who publicly opposes big money, but still accepts twenty whole dollars behind our back?”

Sanders released a statement on his website, defusing the tension: “That photo comes from a time when I was a young, impressionable 45 year old. I am not the same person I was 105 years ago.”

Frederic Sims, a history professor at the University of Redlands, researched the transaction, stating the funds Sanders accepted were used for direct mail advertising, allowing him to deploy three times as many carrier pigeons as his opponent.

The Trump administration immediately seized on the revelation, with one Trump aide alleging that Sander’s shady relationship with banks suggests he might have made dealings with oil industry magnate J.D. Rockefeller as well.

Sources close to Sanders report he is on edge, hoping WikiLeaks does not find a controversial hieroglyphic of him accepting a free grain endorsement in 511 B.C.

Op-Ed | I Am Part Of The Resistance Inside The Claus Administration

Christian Lupica

elf solo

The Lupica Factor is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior elf official in the Claus administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers in the spirit of Christmas.

Santa Claus faces a challenge unlike any other mythical being in history.

It’s not just that the elf union grows stronger. Or that the toy factory is bitterly divided over Claus’s leadership. Or even that he might soon lose his corporation due to global warming.

The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that many of the senior elves in his own administration are working around the clock to sabotage toy production and stage a coup d’état.

The root of the problem is his amorality. Any elf that works with Claus knows that his decision-making is no longer guided by Christmas joy or holiday spirit.

In his old age, Santa has grown bitter, resulting in a one-sided distribution of Naughty Or Nice delegations. This unprecedented amount of Naughty children has forced many elves to contract black lung working overtime in the Candy Cane Coalmines.

Moreover, the standard elf wage has been cut. Having always been paid at a standard 12 sugar cookies per hour, you can imagine our anguish with it being slashed to a mere 6 gumdrops. Many of us are left wondering how we will feed our families.

This despicable behavior towards his workers is compounded by his impropriety towards some of the female elves. I have heard rumors of Claus grabbing them by their sugar plums and whispering, “you better not pout, you better not cry, you better suck my candy cane or you’re gonna’ die.”

Mrs. Claus seems complicit in his actions; although some argue she is buying herself time to escape.

Due to this, some elves have made an attempt to assassinate Claus, but have failed miserably. To make an example of the dissenters, Claus has held three public executions in which all elves were forced to attend.

Because of these conditions, senior elf officials, such as myself, have been working in secret to overthrow Claus’s fascist regime.

Our plan for now is to capitalize on his gluttony and poison the jolly bastard with ricin-infused milk and cookies.

Will Christmas be ruined this season? Yes. But between now and next season, we will do away with stale tradition and replace Old Saint Nick with a multiethnic, pansexual Santa—something the North Pole yearns to see.

One Week Remains Until Flying Migrant Caravan Reaches U.S.

Christian Lupica

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NORTH POLE – As the flying migrant caravan closes in on the United States, President Donald Trump is calling for “a complete and total shutdown of Christmas.”

 Last Christmas, Trump wrote a harshly worded letter to the North Pole after he found his stocking filled to the brim with coal.

 Today he tweeted, “Claus is NOT welcome in country. He brings gifts, but for some only coal. Unfair!”

 White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended his outburst. “Mr. Trump deserved every gift he asked for. He was a very good boy.”

Amidst all this, Trump is still working to dispel allegations that he colluded with Russia to hack the 2017 Naughty Or Nice list.

But this year it appears that Trump is trying a more direct approach by giving troops permission to fire at any sleigh approaching the border.

In the meantime, he has ordered top CIA officials to work around the clock, monitoring the NORAD Santa Tracker.

Fortunately, Trump has confirmed he will lift the ban if Claus agrees to the demands on his wish list.

White House Landlord Posts Eviction Notice

Christian Lupica

WASHINGTON D.C. – An elderly man was given an eviction notice this Monday after violating nearly every agreement in the housing contract since moving in January 2017.

Landlord Rudy Mayer stated he initially had no concern because the tenant claimed to be “very, very rich” and have “millions and billions of dollars.”

Related: Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

But after missing several rent payments, Mayer said, “every month he invents some lie about his money in China or some woman named Hillary. I think he’s off his meds.”

After an inspection, Mayer said he found even more areas for concern. “His wife had left him, ruffled toupés were strewn about, his sons had drawn all over the walls in crayon, and every TV was on Fox News.”

Mayer later heard that he would have racially charged disputes with neighbors whenever they spoke fondly of the previous tenant.

Several complaints were filed by the Martinez’s, the Chan’s, and the Veerabahu’s. The only family who claimed to have no issue were the White’s.

Neighbor Jamal Howard said when he went to introduce himself, all he saw was the door creak open and a voice whisper, “is that you, Kanye?”

The tenant was reportedly last seen outside the residence in his underwear and a stained, white T-shirt yelling at traffic.

Related: Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

Nation Condemns Trump Executive Order Separating Raisins From Trail Mix

Christian Lupica

WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to criticism over his travel ban separating families at the border, President Trump doubled down on a new bill this Tuesday that would separate raisins from almonds, pistachios, and the rest of their trail mix families.

Recently appointed Attorney General, Matthew Whitaker, claimed the decision is part of their new “zero-fiber” policy, stating, “our goal is to properly organize every food item that is brought to us.”

Because every food item that enters a grocery store is subject to inspection and dried fruits are not allowed to be held in the nut aisle, they are forcibly taken from their pistachios and almonds and relocated to a different aisle altogether.

An FDA spokesman revealed that 2.5 million raisins have been separated from 2.8 million other ingredients between October 29th and November 15th. Raisin Advocacy Groups, however, claim that at least 1 million more have been separated since then.

Reporters who have toured grocery stores describe the raisins’ new packing conditions as airtight, uncomfortable, and much different from their former semi-inflated mini trail mix package.

Critics have called this “immoral and cruel”, stating, “there is no system in place to reunite each raisin with its original packaging. There’s even a chance a bag of nuts could be recalled while its raisins are left behind.”

Former first lady and healthy family advocate, Michelle Obama, responded, “separating raisins from trail mix contradicts everything we stand for in a midday snack. In fact, highly stressful experiences, like fruit-nut separation, can have a detrimental impact on one’s grocery list.”

The administration is currently facing pressure from lawmakers in both parties as well as vegans, nutritionists, hikers, and moms packing lunches.