UNITED STATES—As tensions in the Middle East rise and government officials begin preparing for a worst-case scenario, millennials in the United States have issued a formal response to the possibility of a draft: “sorry, we’re busy that day.”
“We’d honestly love to, but we, like, kind of already have this thing. Thanks for hitting us up though,” millennial spokesperson Frederic Sims said, offering no specifics whatsoever, but clarifying they’d like to “grab drinks” with recruiting officers sometime.
Government officials have since called the response “flakey” and, in more critical instances, “straight up shady.”
“Just as the Greatest Generation rose to the occasion in World War II, we expect the same from today’s youth. However, it appears we underestimated millennial’s ability to bail at the last minute and make us wonder if we’re even friends anymore,” Roseville military recruiter Eli Watts said, venting frustration with one 23-year-old in particular who didn’t respond to his text, yet hours later posted an acai bowl to his Snapchat story.
CHINA—Expressing deep regret for the historical errors in her latest novel, author Mary Pope Osborne of the popular children’s book series The Magic Tree House apologized Monday for showing young readers a completely fictional massacre at Tiananmen Square in 1989 that never happened.
“While I hoped to educate children on the importance of democracy using a poignant moment in history, I now realize I should have checked my sources before sending Jack and Annie on a journey through time to witness some phony public mass execution,” Osborne said, making clear that there were never any tanks involved, not a single soldier that took aim, and certainly no casualties whatsoever.
“Looking back, perhaps I should’ve written about a true event—like the day the world celebrated when the CPC took power—instead of minutely describing the nonexistent hailstorm of bullets that tore through a protestor’s flesh and sprayed Jack’s glasses in a red mist, along with 13 consecutive pages of internal dialogue where Jack debates taking his own life after witnessing swathes of people fall prey to their own government,” Osborne went on, admitting that she should’ve consulted a history book and focused the story on something real and not Annie being trapped in history and used as a guinea pig to test experimental drugs in a Chinese concentration camp.
“If I myself could go back in time, I would change the name to something more accurate than Magic Tree House: Martial Law In The Morning,” Osborne said. “Maybe something like Just A Normal Day In June.”
After thanking Chinese distributors for correcting her mistake, Osborne went on to say her next novel set in current day Hong Kong is extremely accurate and will be titled Magic Tree House: Futile Protests On A Friday.
DURNSHIRE WOODS, MOONMYST ISLE—Attributing a drop in polls to her ideas being too profound for the average American to comprehend, presidential candidate Marianne Williamson told reporters Tuesday the nation may not be ready for a president who is a devoted practitioner of the dark arts.
“As a full-fledged Scion of the Sixth Serenity, I know firsthand how much the nation could benefit from the blessing light of Lunaria. But for mere mortals who have never bathed in the glimmering Pools of Salvatar or studied the three schools of blood magic under High Priest C’Thajh, I can see why my ideas are difficult to grasp,” Williamson said, adding that she regrets her Eight Fold Illumination plan for the United States will never see action.
“I was to bring reparations to African-Americans just as I brought justice to the Highborne persecuted in their own cloud haven! Global warming could’ve been cast to oblivion if I had the chance to replace vehicles with Dragon Serpents of the West Wind! Solving the homelessness crisis is as easy as summoning the ancient Tree god Gungor for shelter and hate could have forever been undone simply by having each citizen peer into the Mirror of A Thousand Infinities!” Williamson echoed, noting that with two Etherwood Fickles and a four-verse incantation, she also had plans to cast a peace ward on the Middle East.
“Despite reminding Americans frequently of my qualifications—such as when I vanquished the life-stealing necromancer Ar’Qir or the time I protected the realm by polymorphing an ogre abomination into Ted Cruz—they still write me off as some lunatic. Their loss I guess,” Williamson said, signaling an aide to fetch her grimoire.
For the time being, Williamson concluded she would open a portal to the Night Elf capital of Ala’Ska where she will seek council from Eternal Outcast Palin and lie in slumber until the nation heeds her call.
FORT MEADE, MA—In an effort to preserve the integrity of future elections, officials from the National Security Agency stated Thursday the specialist organization known as ‘Geek Squad’ has just finished renovating the country’s cyber defense system.
“Today I am proud to announce a comprehensive revamp of the National Security Agency’s digital hardware and cybersecurity systems, only made possible by Kevin,” said NSA director Frederic Sims (72), noting that his IBM PC and yellowing, buckle spring keyboard are now relics of the past.
In addition to replacing their dial-up internet with a fiber-optic connection, Kevin—who refurbished the National Security Agency with HP Pavilion desktop PC’s—garnered Sims’ praise for swapping out the old password [usa] with a new, “uncrackable” code that incorporates numbers, uppercase letters, and “that squiggly line above the tab button.” Sims took pause to assure agents concerned with the all-encompassing overhaul that the new password is on a sticky note on his monitor should anyone forget.
“Above all, America will now and forever be seen as the standard for impenetrable election security with the addition of Norton AntiVirus Plus,” Sims said, daring any foreign entity to try and get past the real-time protection of Norton’s pop up blocking 1 month free trial.
Sources indicate that while the bulk of Kevin’s efforts focused on cyber security, he also took the liberty of answering questions and addressing some much needed quality of life improvements.
“Kevin was vital in installing the ‘Google Chrome’, updating what is known as ‘Adobe Flash Player’, showing defense operatives how to connect to wifi, importing The Eagles “Desperado” album to my iTunes library, transcribing the steps for checking email, and helping Chief Intelligence Officer Alfred Greenblatt save a .pdf,” Sims said.
Kevin, who started with Geek Squad in July, told reporters he was happy to assist the National Security Agency with their common tech troubles.
“It was pretty easy. The hardest part was explaining they could still play solitaire,” Kevin said, who added that it took several minutes to convince Sims he would now be able to use his office phone and browse the internet simultaneously.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.
“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.
Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.
“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.
Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.
In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.
“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.
The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.
With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.
Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.
The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.