TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.
Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.
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“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.
Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.
More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”
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Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.