ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

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SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.

U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.

Related: Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.

Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.

“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.

In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.

In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”

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Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

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Attendees who purchased a $5 bottle of molly water. Available at select event booths.

INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.

“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.

The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.

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Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”

“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.

Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.

When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.

In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..

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