Target Recruiters Eyeing Young Prodigy At Self-Checkout


ALISO VIEJO, CA—Saying that he has what it takes to one day be the next great cashier, Target recruiters reportedly have their eyes on a once-in-a-generation talent to join their employee roster.

“Just look at the way he instinctively knows to put bulkier items in the bag first. That’s something that just can’t be taught,” said Talent Acquisition Specialist Frederic Sims, marveling at the 24-year-old as he scanned a bottle of Califia milk without looking.

Noting other employees already taking notice of the wunderkind, Sims added the prodigy seemed to possess similar leadership skills that could fill the hole left by [11-year veteran and former team captain] Debra Sutton, made famous for her expertise with the faulty chip reader on aisle 7.

After reviewing security camera footage, Sims claimed he came across the phenom helping another customer in the home décor section. “Not only does he have the physical prowess, but it appears he also has a strong knowledge of seasonal & online promotional deals. I haven’t seen someone with this complete package since Mikaile Jordan in ’96.”

“Everything from his ability to spot price checks to his God-given, chunky 5’4 build just screams southwest region Employee of the Month,” Sims went on, immediately calling his contacts at Sketchers to potentially sweeten the offer with an attached shoe deal.

“If we cut some Guest Services staff, we could have the cap space to pick up that bagger with a 9.7 second aisle check time from Trader Joes. All he needs is the right team around him, and we could be looking at a National Grocers Association championship.”

Sources later confirmed after disclosing a 5-year, $15.25 an hour contract with a no-trade clause agreement, the inevitable star claimed he had already signed with Walgreens.

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Little League Coach Gives Game Ball To Shittiest Player On Team, Son

            James (left) and game ball (right)

MISSION VIEJO, CA—Huddling his team after a win, Tijeras Creek Little League coach Frederic Sims reportedly gave the coveted game ball to the shittiest player on the team, otherwise known as his son James.

“This player really shined tonight. Here you go, son,” Sims said as he tossed the ball to him, striking bewilderment and almost prompting laughter from the team.

“You showed a lot of heart out there,” Sims went on, meanwhile players racked their brains to find a single instance where James wasn’t parked on the bench, choking on sunflower seeds.

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“Surely, this must be some confidence builder, but I mean come on,” one player thought to himself, recalling James’s league mandated minimum of two at bats in which he struck out both times in three pitches and two innings where he was placed so deep in left field he might as well have been in line at the snack shack.

Later, James—known by teammates as “starting left bench”, “daddy’s girl”, “designated shitter”, “the perfect shame”, “Dike Trout”, “Forrest Slump”, “Good Will Bunting”, “A Season Of Unfortunate Events”, “12 Years A Benchwarmer”, “Stranger Thing”, “James Bondage”, “James and the Giant Queef”, “supercalifragilisticexpealidipshit”, “MVP: Most Vulnerable Pussy”, and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Put-In-The-Game”—claimed even he was shocked to receive the game ball.

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