Tag: Sex

Breaking: The Lupica Factor Has Found Hot, Horny Singles Near You

Christian Lupica

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NEAR YOU, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?—Urging you to stop scrolling and read the following text, a late-breaking report confirmed Friday that The Lupica Factor has found hot, horny singles in your direct vicinity and the only way to contact them is through the discreet new dating service LupicaFriendFinder.

“We’ve found several local girls in your zip code who are lonely and desperately looking for attention,” the site said, adding that user Jane69 is 5.7 miles away and Latin_Beauty_xx is only 2.4 miles away.

“Hey handsome… What are you up to(; … I’m so bored,” said a message from Hot_Carmen, 24, noting that she’s with a friend and her boyfriend won’t be home until tomorrow.

“Sign up for free now and cam chat with any of our 98,211,967 members,” the #1 adult dating site went on, emphasizing that 86,097 are online NOW and ready to satiate your deepest desires.

Added Hot_Carmen: “Hurry and enter your email address in the sidebar so we can meet up. I’m waiting…”

After creating an account, sources claim the site had asked for your home address, credit card, and social security number to continue.

Warner Bros. CEO Resigns After Being Found Guilty Of Sleeping With A 6

Christian Lupica

HOLLYWOOD—Scandal rocked Hollywood this week as a series of leaked text messages revealed Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara had an intimate relationship with actress and well-known 6 Charlotte Kirk.

Tsujihara has reportedly stepped down amid an investigation into the improper relationship between himself and Kirk, who sources confirmed is a 6—maybe a 7 on a good day.

Since the scandal broke, Tsujihara has received harsh criticism. “Really? Her?” said one critic struggling to grapple with the fact that the CEO would ruin his personal life and career for someone who’s not ugly, but also not attractive either.

Related: Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Tsujihara—who analysts gauge is barely a 5 lookswise, but whose wealth and power bring him up to a respectable 8—has released a statement, apologizing: “I am deeply sorry for the embarrassment I have caused my wife and children by sneaking around with a total 6. While she was super down to earth, I deeply regret not abusing my power for at least a 7.”

Tsujihara’s wife, Sandy—a solid 7—expressed disappointment in her husband’s inexcusable behavior of lowering his standards for someone who seems nice but isn’t much to look at.

Related: USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

On the other hand, Kirk has received support from 6’s across the country, declaring it a win for average looking people and calling it “a step in the right direction” towards an inclusive environment where everyone is given a fair shot at soliciting sex regardless of whether they are a barely fuckable 5 or a drop dead 10.

A wave of relief swept the industry when sources confirmed the relationship was, in fact, consensual.

Related: Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute