PASADENA, CA—Asserting that their research has reached a firm conclusion, seismologists at the Caltech Seismology Laboratory determined the next big or small earthquake would be in a place and at a time.
“After analyzing the shifting plate tectonics of the recent 6.4 and 7.1 magnitude earthquakes, the data we have gathered definitively proves that the next earthquake will be of a magnitude greater than zero,” said lead research engineer Frederic Sims, noting that his team would have a more accurate prediction a day or two after it happens.
Related: Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel
“Although our current time projection spans roughly from now to later, we have pinpointed the aftershock to occur exactly during the day or at night. This we know for certain,” he said.
Sims was careful to point out that by studying past locations where earthquakes have struck, there is a reasonable chance the next quake will occur “on earth.”
“Of course this is all just speculation,” he clarified.
Related: Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages
Cautioning the public to be ready when it hits, Sims did offer the greatest indication of an earthquake to be shaking. “Lots and lots of shaking,” he said.
Sims’s laboratory was recently awarded a $5 million grant to continue studying impending earthquakes.
The Lupica Factor 