USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a college bribery scandal, the University of Southern California defended the representation of its students with celebrity parents as part of a goal to promote diversity on campus.

“At USC, we strive to maintain a diverse student body,” spokesman Frederic Sims said. “While we are proud to attract the sharpest minds and finest athletes, it is also imperative we provide opportunities to the minority of snobby, rich celebrity children.”

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In recent years, data shows USC has made an honest effort to represent more students of wealthy, famous backgrounds, but the number of college students across the country with familial ties to an A-list celebrity remains staggeringly low.

“When you look at campuses across the country, 99% of students you see are commonplace nobodies,” Sims went on. “Which is why we pride ourselves in representing the 1%.”

Sims ended by challenging any self-proclaimed inclusive university to acknowledge how some students are born with systemic challenges that prevent them from devoting time to academics. “Just imagine how difficult it is to work hard when you don’t have to,” Sims concluded.

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Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

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Image Attribution: Library Of Congress

VERMONT – Coming just days before announcing his 2020 presidential campaign, the whistle blowing platform WikiLeaks revealed a troubling photo of Bernie Sanders accepting money from a Wells Fargo Wagon in the year 1914.

The photo comes as a shock to Sanders supporters based on his lifelong condemnation of big banks unfairly influencing elections.

Supporters of Sanders spoke out, asking, “how can we trust someone who publicly opposes big money, but still accepts twenty whole dollars behind our back?”

Sanders released a statement on his website, defusing the tension: “That photo comes from a time when I was a young, impressionable 45 year old. I am not the same person I was 105 years ago.”

Frederic Sims, a history professor at the University of Redlands, researched the transaction, stating the funds Sanders accepted were used for direct mail advertising, allowing him to deploy three times as many carrier pigeons as his opponent.

The Trump administration immediately seized on the revelation, with one Trump aide alleging that Sander’s shady relationship with banks suggests he might have made dealings with oil industry magnate J.D. Rockefeller as well.

Sources close to Sanders report he is on edge, hoping WikiLeaks does not find a controversial hieroglyphic of him accepting a free grain endorsement in 511 B.C.