911 Operator Going To Put You On Hold For Just One Moment

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THOUSAND OAKS – Saying the line is busy, 911 operator Sandra Kaminski reportedly asked if she could put you on hold for just one moment.

“Hi, this is 911. Can you hold?” Kaminski asked, noting it would just be one moment while your refrigerator continued crushing you from the neck down.

Before you could respond, Kaminski proceeded to put you on hold where you were pleasantly greeted by a blend of smooth jazz with harmonic bass guitar riffs as the thought seeped in that you would probably never walk again.

“Thank you for calling 911. This is Sandra, how may I help you?” she answered right when you were about to hang up and try again in five minutes.

After stating your condition, the operator repeated your emergency back “just to double-check.” “Okay, so I have two broken legs, a ruptured spleen, and a full rack of broken ribs. Your ambulance will be ready in 15-20 minutes. The total is $9,075.81.”

Later, a nurse printed out your receipt, highlighted a portion at the bottom, and asked you to fill out an online survey rating their performance to win a $25 Kaiser Permanente gift card.

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‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

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Image Attribution: RealityJunkies.com

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY – Riding the success of their popular Netflix film, the creators of “Bandersnatch” have signed a deal with Pornhub to create a second interactive movie.

The immersive experience reportedly begins by flawlessly replicating a viewers average 13-18 minute search for a video that is “eh, good enough.”

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Viewers then have the choice of arriving as a “plumber to lay some pipe” or a “pizza boy to a sorority that can’t pay for their order.”

The endless array of options include seducing a burglar, asking your teacher for extra credit, and opting out of a comfortable bed for a black, leather couch, along with an assortment of unforgettable dialogue choices.

With industry heavyweight Asa Akira as the main protagonist, the film is also being celebrated for casting a strong, diverse female lead.

Adult film critics have already said the 250 possible money shots guarantee viewers a one-of-a-kind, personalized experience every time they watch.

“Poundhersnatch” is set to release early next summer.

Related: Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

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SEATTLE, WA – Following a divorce with his wife of 25 years, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will launch an exhaustive search for eligible new wife candidates from all over North America.

Bezos plans to invest more than $66 billion in “a real connection” with his new partner, which he says will be “way hotter than that bitch MacKenzie.”

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To find the perfect match, Bezos is inviting women from all over the country to submit a proposal based document listed on Amazon’s website.

In the document, Bezos is asking for 5 headshots, a cat or dog preference, and a short blurb about what they like to do for fun.

To begin a lifetime of happiness as soon as possible, Bezos wants a timetable of “Phase 1”, outlining when the first “spark” in the relationship is expected.

Bezos clearly stated that consent to a prenuptial agreement would be the greatest determining factor.

An inside source reports that Bezos currently has his eyes set on two candidates from New York and Northern Virginia.

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‘Tasty’ To Expand To Homemade, Instructional Surgery Videos By 2020

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NEW YORK – In a lateral move to an up-and-coming industry, the food recipe video giant ‘Tasty’ recently announced plans to create homemade, instructional surgery videos.

“We want to bring you the quickest surgery videos possible,” said Tasty C.E.O. Liane Weintraub. “Whether it be a routine cast removal or a triple bypass heart surgery, our goal is to bring the average Joe simple, homemade surgery tutorials in 60 seconds or less.”

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Instead of presenting the steps to bake a mouthwatering soy braised brisket, Weintraub aims to use the same trademark, overhead shooting style to educate viewers in locating a vein to administer some homebrewed anesthesia.

“Our food recipe videos were a hit because they gave an inexpensive alternative to eating out. We believe Tasty Surgery will go viral for the same reason. Why waste thousands of dollars at a hospital when you can just as easily perform that colonoscopy on the comfort of your own dinner table?”

Tasty reportedly has plans to expand to gun assembly and forensic analysis videos by 2021.

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San Francisco Parents Fear Son Will Be Discriminated Against For Being Mainstream

adults-affection-baby-1648396SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Emphasizing concern for their son, San Francisco parents Debbie and Mark Miller fear their child might face discrimination for his ordinary, run-of-the-mill qualities.

“As new parents in such a hip area, we can’t help but be scared for our son who still uses Facebook,” Debbie said, adding that he also listens to FM radio.

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“Any San Franciscan wearing a naturally aged Buffalo Exchange jean jacket looking at Tyler differently based on the Billabong T-shirt he wears is what we fear the most. We worry he’ll be ostracized for not owning Doc Martins.”

The Millers also stated that despite offering to take him to a hole-in-the-wall barber shop on Geary for an edgy, bleached faux hawk, Tyler much preferred a standard trim at Sports Clips.

“Most of the kids around here are into discussing feminist film theory at vegan coffee shops and going to Yoga to the People,” Debbie said, holding back tears. “But our Tyler would much rather watch The Office or play Call of Duty.”

Mark believes his lack of eccentricities stems from his inability to read between the lines, which has translated to not being “woke” in the slightest.

“All of this leads us to believe that Tyler might be straight. Of course, we love him unconditionally, but as his parents we’re concerned with how not being pansexual might impact his life in the city.”

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