Incredibly Polite Riot Breaks Out In Toronto Following Raptors Win

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TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.

Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.

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“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.

Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.

More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”

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Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.

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Warriors Now Selling Authentic, Blood-Stained Draymond Green Jerseys

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LEGO Unveils New Gentrified San Francisco Neighborhood Rebuild Set

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Invisible hand of the market escorting low-income LEGO character out of what used to be his home

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Touting not only the hours of endless fun but also the psychological benefits children can glean, LEGO unveiled Monday a new gentrified San Francisco neighborhood rebuild set.

“Inspire imagination in your kids as they take on the role of a merciless real estate tycoon,” spokesman Frederic Sims said, noting that children ages 6-8 will have a blast learning firsthand the systematic oppression of the lower class by removing aging pieces in LEGO housing projects and installing refurbished blocks in the new Tenderloin Sky View Lodge LEGO Apartments.

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“Fine-tune motor skills by renovating dated fixtures with luxurious LEGO marble countertops and bamboo flooring,” Sims went on. “Then finish it off with stainless steel LEGO kitchen appliances to drastically raise property value, skyrocket rent prices, and kick low-income LEGO characters to the curb.”

Sims added the new set would teach causal reasoning as kids build a LEGO Trader Joes next door to a locally owned Gus’s market and in doing so absorb their clientele, forcing them to sell you what remains of their pathetic family venture.

“As your empire grows to the Mission, watch their problem-solving ability flourish by authorizing police LEGOS to toss LEGO tear gas canisters and dissolve the residents futile rent control protest,” Sims raved. “Then as their vision comes back, let them observe as you decimate their childhood homes with the new LEGO wrecking ball crane.”

“Instill leadership skills when your kids blackmail government officials at LEGO city hall to expedite building contract approvals,” Sims said. “Pull the strings on your political puppets and taste true supremacy, all while stimulating creativity in your young ones’ developing brains.”

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“Complete the experience with LEGO tents and garbage can fires where former tenants can longingly gaze in unaware that your LEGO character is getting off on their suffering, making the affair your having with your LEGO assistant even hotter. Your LEGO wife will be home in ten minutes, but you don’t give a shit. This is power. Whatever you want, you take. Nobody can even fuck with your LEGO empire.” Sims said, slamming his fist on the podium.

Sims concluded his presentation by imploring children to grind former tenants homes and dreams into dirt, use it as the foundation for their LEGO real estate conglomerate, and to keep small pieces out of the reach of toddlers.

Sims also teased junior LEGO estate moguls with a new up-and-coming South Carolina coastal suburb build set coming this summer.

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Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

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SAN FRANCISCO – In response to a number of complaints from bigots across its platform, Twitter has decided to change its policy on approved forms of discrimination.

Frederic Sims, a concerned white supremacist from Orange County, felt his first amendment rights were being violated by not being able to freely use derogatory terms without penalty. “How else am I supposed to respond when I encounter an opinion different from my own?” he asked.

“After hearing each and every complaint, we have decided to restructure our policy to allow a more welcoming environment for all chauvinists, anti-Semites, white supremacists, and Red Sox fans to freely express their narrow-minded beliefs,” CEO Jack Dorsey said on Tuesday.

The announcement was met with praise from bigots across Twitter, who momentarily crashed the website with a cavalcade of hate-filled tweets targeting former President Barack Obama.

Dorsey went on to say he is confident this is the right step backward in creating an open, hostile dialogue between all genders, races, and religions.

President Donald Trump said he plans to take full advantage of this “very, very good news” during his executive time Friday afternoon.

San Francisco Parents Fear Son Will Be Discriminated Against For Being Mainstream

adults-affection-baby-1648396SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Emphasizing concern for their son, San Francisco parents Debbie and Mark Miller fear their child might face discrimination for his ordinary, run-of-the-mill qualities.

“As new parents in such a hip area, we can’t help but be scared for our son who still uses Facebook,” Debbie said, adding that he also listens to FM radio.

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“Any San Franciscan wearing a naturally aged Buffalo Exchange jean jacket looking at Tyler differently based on the Billabong T-shirt he wears is what we fear the most. We worry he’ll be ostracized for not owning Doc Martins.”

The Millers also stated that despite offering to take him to a hole-in-the-wall barber shop on Geary for an edgy, bleached faux hawk, Tyler much preferred a standard trim at Sports Clips.

“Most of the kids around here are into discussing feminist film theory at vegan coffee shops and going to Yoga to the People,” Debbie said, holding back tears. “But our Tyler would much rather watch The Office or play Call of Duty.”

Mark believes his lack of eccentricities stems from his inability to read between the lines, which has translated to not being “woke” in the slightest.

“All of this leads us to believe that Tyler might be straight. Of course, we love him unconditionally, but as his parents we’re concerned with how not being pansexual might impact his life in the city.”

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