NSA Enlists Geek Squad To Thwart Future Election Interference

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FORT MEADE, MA—In an effort to preserve the integrity of future elections, officials from the National Security Agency stated Thursday the specialist organization known as ‘Geek Squad’ has just finished renovating the country’s cyber defense system. 

“Today I am proud to announce a comprehensive revamp of the National Security Agency’s digital hardware and cybersecurity systems, only made possible by Kevin,” said NSA director Frederic Sims (72), noting that his IBM PC and yellowing, buckle spring keyboard are now relics of the past.

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Kevin: part-time Geek Squad employee, sophomore at Anne Arundel Community College, American hero

In addition to replacing their dial-up internet with a fiber-optic connection, Kevin—who refurbished the National Security Agency with HP Pavilion desktop PC’s—garnered Sims’ praise for swapping out the old password [usa] with a new, “uncrackable” code that incorporates numbers, uppercase letters, and “that squiggly line above the tab button.” Sims took pause to assure agents concerned with the all-encompassing overhaul that the new password is on a sticky note on his monitor should anyone forget.

“Above all, America will now and forever be seen as the standard for impenetrable election security with the addition of Norton AntiVirus Plus,” Sims said, daring any foreign entity to try and get past the real-time protection of Norton’s pop up blocking 1 month free trial.

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Sources indicate that while the bulk of Kevin’s efforts focused on cyber security, he also took the liberty of answering questions and addressing some much needed quality of life improvements.

“Kevin was vital in installing the ‘Google Chrome’, updating what is known as ‘Adobe Flash Player’, showing defense operatives how to connect to wifi, importing The Eagles “Desperado” album to my iTunes library, transcribing the steps for checking email, and helping Chief Intelligence Officer Alfred Greenblatt save a .pdf,” Sims said.

Kevin, who started with Geek Squad in July, told reporters he was happy to assist the National Security Agency with their common tech troubles.

“It was pretty easy. The hardest part was explaining they could still play solitaire,” Kevin said, who added that it took several minutes to convince Sims he would now be able to use his office phone and browse the internet simultaneously.

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Admitting Sims was afraid of “internet people” stealing their information, Kevin said he eased his worries by hiding the nation’s nuclear codes in a folder titled ‘Grandkids Disneyworld ’08.’

The entire technological grid has since reportedly crashed after Sims clicked an email in his spam folder titled “H0t h0rNy S1ngLez NeAr U.”

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Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel

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EARTH—Saying it’s just a matter of time, a fan theory has emerged online detailing potential for a sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II.

“They left plenty of Easter eggs hinting at it and there are so many questions left unanswered: What happened to the Allied Powers? Will Japan get revenge? Is Hitler still alive?” history buff Frederic Sims wrote in an online forum, emphasizing that World War II ended on a major cliffhanger and fans are dying to see how the series culminates in a climactic finale.

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“Even though it dragged on at the end, World War II had the best character development. Hideki Tojo was such a likable antihero and I could see his ideals playing a major role in New Japan—or whatever they decide to call it,” Sims went on, pointing out that the third installment is inevitable given how much it would gross both domestic and abroad.

Adding that there are plenty of avenues the narrative could take, Sims highlighted conflict in the South China Sea, rising tensions in Iran, Syria, and North Korea, and the nuclear arms race to be the most plausible inciting incidents. “Personally, I believe the latter is the most likely. We only got a glimpse of their potential in II at the end of act three,” Sims wrote.

“Germany did a killer job producing the first two, but I think either Russia or the U.S. will take the reins this time,” Sims speculated, acknowledging that while the countries have been involved with other projects since then, neither the Cold War nor the Vietnam War count as true sequels.

Sims ended on an optimistic note, stating, “It’s been 74 years in the making so this will certainly be the greatest war in the trilogy.”

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