The Lupica Factor is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior elf official in the Claus administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers in the spirit of Christmas.
Santa Claus faces a challenge unlike any other mythical being in history.
It’s not just that the elf union grows stronger. Or that the toy factory is bitterly divided over Claus’s leadership. Or even that he might soon lose his corporation due to global warming.
The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that many of the senior elves in his own administration are working around the clock to sabotage toy production and stage a coup d’état.
The root of the problem is his amorality. Any elf that works with Claus knows that his decision-making is no longer guided by Christmas joy or holiday spirit.
In his old age, Santa has grown bitter, resulting in a one-sided distribution of Naughty Or Nice delegations. This unprecedented amount of Naughty children has forced many elves to contract black lung working overtime in the Candy Cane Coalmines.
Moreover, the standard elf wage has been cut. Having always been paid at a standard 12 sugar cookies per hour, you can imagine our anguish with it being slashed to a mere 6 gumdrops. Many of us are left wondering how we will feed our families.
This despicable behavior towards his workers is compounded by his impropriety towards some of the female elves. I have heard rumors of Claus grabbing them by their sugar plums and whispering, “you better not pout, you better not cry, you better suck my candy cane or you’re gonna’ die.”
Mrs. Claus seems complicit in his actions; although some argue she is buying herself time to escape.
Due to this, some elves have made an attempt to assassinate Claus, but have failed miserably. To make an example of the dissenters, Claus has held three public executions in which all elves were forced to attend.
Because of these conditions, senior elf officials, such as myself, have been working in secret to overthrow Claus’s fascist regime.
Our plan for now is to capitalize on his gluttony and poison the jolly bastard with ricin-infused milk and cookies.
Will Christmas be ruined this season? Yes. But between now and next season, we will do away with stale tradition and replace Old Saint Nick with a multiethnic, pansexual Santa—something the North Pole yearns to see.