Real Housewives Creator Reveals Series Was Adapted From Shakespeare’s ‘Earnest Wenches Of Northshire’

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EUROPE—Revealing that he was inspired by one of Shakespeare’s lesser-known written works, Real Housewives creator Scott Dunlop told reporters Wednesday his popular series was adapted from a 1500’s play titled “The Earnest Wenches Of Northshire.”

“At its inception, we were trying to depict the character chemistry viewers see today on Bravo as the great Shakespeare so vividly captured with his ensemble of catty handmaidens who lived on the elitist hillside of an Albanian monarchy,” said Dunlop, explaining the wenches waiting for their proprietors to return home from a day’s work at the King’s behest that provided ample time for backstabbing and loads of juicy gossip later inspired his first series set in Orange County.

“Gretchen in particular was influenced by a character named Gertrude, a churlish dame known across the city-state for her unmannered provocations,” Dunlop went on, detailing how his hit series took cues from the original. “For example, the infamous season 11 episode 17 catfight when Kelly Dodd just exploded on Heather and Shannon originally came from Kylia’s Act II monologue tearing asunder Calpurnia for spilling hogshead on her new frock.”

“Aside from love and death, Shakespeare also reveled in depicting key themes like spilling the tea and throwing shade. In fact, excerpts from his diary indicate that Shakespeare himself was a bit of a drama queen and loved to stir the pot.”

Added Dunlop: “Of course, who could forget the iconic line at the climax of Northshire when Rosalind scorns Octavia’s courtship with Sir Benvolio: Doth thou protest me wench? Let us exhort this raucous to the rosegarden!”

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Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

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Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

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