Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

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NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

Related: Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

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Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

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Image Attribution: Library Of Congress

VERMONT – Coming just days before announcing his 2020 presidential campaign, the whistle blowing platform WikiLeaks revealed a troubling photo of Bernie Sanders accepting money from a Wells Fargo Wagon in the year 1914.

The photo comes as a shock to Sanders supporters based on his lifelong condemnation of big banks unfairly influencing elections.

Supporters of Sanders spoke out, asking, “how can we trust someone who publicly opposes big money, but still accepts twenty whole dollars behind our back?”

Sanders released a statement on his website, defusing the tension: “That photo comes from a time when I was a young, impressionable 45 year old. I am not the same person I was 105 years ago.”

Frederic Sims, a history professor at the University of Redlands, researched the transaction, stating the funds Sanders accepted were used for direct mail advertising, allowing him to deploy three times as many carrier pigeons as his opponent.

The Trump administration immediately seized on the revelation, with one Trump aide alleging that Sander’s shady relationship with banks suggests he might have made dealings with oil industry magnate J.D. Rockefeller as well.

Sources close to Sanders report he is on edge, hoping WikiLeaks does not find a controversial hieroglyphic of him accepting a free grain endorsement in 511 B.C.