Tag: Politics

Trump Mocks Biden For Using Brakes To Avoid Crashing Into Brick Wall

Christian Lupica

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Accusing his opponent of going over the top with safety precautions, President Trump criticized Joe Biden Wednesday morning for using brakes to avoid crashing into hard concrete surfaces.

“This guy uses brakes every chance he gets. It’s almost like he’s afraid of plowing straight into a brick wall at 75 miles per hour or something. What a wimp,” Trump told reporters, pointing out that real men drive straight through four-way stops at crowded elementary schools.

“Oh, give me a break. Every time I see this guy, he’s using his blinker to merge into the next lane. I can’t even count how many times this loser has worn a seatbelt. Everybody knows that airbags are just a left wing, deep state conspiracy to make me look bad in the polls,” the 45th president went on.

Trump later speculated that Biden “probably uses a parachute when he skydives, too.”

Update 10/21/20 9:52am: Directly after tweeting car crashes are a hoax, the president was reportedly involved in a five-car pileup on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Read More: Trump Strikes Deal To Rebuild Country’s Broken Glass Ceiling

Read More: Marianne Williamson Admits Nation Not Ready For President Who Can Cast Blood Magic

Trump Strikes Deal To Rebuild Country’s Broken Glass Ceiling

Christian Lupica

trumppressconference

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to correct one of the Obama administration’s oversights, President Trump broke ground on a construction project Friday morning that aims to rebuild the country’s broken glass ceiling.

“Under President Obama’s watch, one of our country’s great landmarks was thrashed, beaten, and nearly damaged beyond repair. That is why I have teamed with Republican lawmakers and many, many top minds to restore our glass ceiling to its former glory,” President Trump told reporters, outlining a $4 billion budget that will go towards renovating existing holes in the glass ceiling and enforcing them with industrial-grade barriers to women and minorities in the workplace.

Designed by the architect behind Syria’s ceiling, the existing U.S. barricade will be retrofitted with a new, invisible infrastructure capable of supporting racial stereotypes and gender discrimination for up to 50 years. Specifically, workplaces across the U.S. will see improved micro-aggressions, wage-gaps, and a 35% increase in Craigs.

Added Trump: “Construction of this tremendous ceiling will also bring back jobs by creating opportunities for marginalized groups such as white supremacists and misogynists.”

At press time, the president refused to comment when asked how workers would be compensated.

Read More: Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

Read More: Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

Bloomberg Launches New Telepathic Ad Campaign To Air Perpetually In Human Consciousness

Christian Lupica

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UNITED STATES—In line with ramped up advertisements across print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg launched a series of new ads that will reportedly take place deep in the psyche of every waking United States citizen.

“By using the latest in brain-to-brain interfacing technology, we have developed a way to reach voters directly in their occipital lobe,” said campaign strategist Frederic Sims, noting that Americans will begin visualizing brief, 5-second “Mike Will Get It Done” advertisements at the beginning and end of each individual thought their mind conceives.

“Whether it’s something as menial as remembering to turn the stove off or articulating your final words to a loved one on their death bed, every last American will know that Mike has what it takes each time a neuron fires.”

Added Sims: “Americans will also experience longer, 30-second ads while asleep in between REM cycles.”

At press time, thousands of Americans admitted they had unwillingly climaxed to the image of Bloomberg shaking hands with an industrial worker.

Read more: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Read more: U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

Christian Lupica

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NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

Related: Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Christian Lupica

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Christian Lupica
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Image Attribution: Library Of Congress

VERMONT – Coming just days before announcing his 2020 presidential campaign, the whistle blowing platform WikiLeaks revealed a troubling photo of Bernie Sanders accepting money from a Wells Fargo Wagon in the year 1914.

The photo comes as a shock to Sanders supporters based on his lifelong condemnation of big banks unfairly influencing elections.

Supporters of Sanders spoke out, asking, “how can we trust someone who publicly opposes big money, but still accepts twenty whole dollars behind our back?”

Sanders released a statement on his website, defusing the tension: “That photo comes from a time when I was a young, impressionable 45 year old. I am not the same person I was 105 years ago.”

Frederic Sims, a history professor at the University of Redlands, researched the transaction, stating the funds Sanders accepted were used for direct mail advertising, allowing him to deploy three times as many carrier pigeons as his opponent.

The Trump administration immediately seized on the revelation, with one Trump aide alleging that Sander’s shady relationship with banks suggests he might have made dealings with oil industry magnate J.D. Rockefeller as well.

Sources close to Sanders report he is on edge, hoping WikiLeaks does not find a controversial hieroglyphic of him accepting a free grain endorsement in 511 B.C.