School Faces Discrimination Charges For Giving Dipshits Lower Test Scores

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ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Alleging that they were given unfair treatment based strictly on the level of their intelligence, parents are threatening to sue an Orange County high school for giving their dumbass children worse grades than smart students.

The plaintiffs claim they [good-for-nothing assclowns who get high and play Fortnite the night before an exam] are being systematically displaced by students who pay attention in class, study, and generally care about their future.

“Both of my kids are colossal idiots and have been ostracized at school precisely because of the letter of their grades,” mother Claire Selinsky said, pointing out the school has unashamedly reserved higher learning classes for students that can add and read. “The system is rigged against them. How can they get into a decent college if the school is gatekeeping required courses to students who got at least a C- in Ceramics?”

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Additionally, certified dipshits claim teachers have given preferential treatment to students who weren’t vaping in the back of the classroom texting Justin’s “chill” older brother to buy them Malibu for Kelsey’s thing this weekend.

Unfathomably dumb sons of bitches also report that some of the promising students have resorted to name-calling, using derogatory terms such as “shit-for-brains” and “full-on fucksticks” and, in certain instances, abusing their “smart privilege” by asking minority dumbshits if Jack In The Box has a retirement plan.

Since then, grade-A morons have organized rallies in front of the school where they hold signs that read ‘End The Injustis’ and chant for a ride in someone’s trunk so they can skip fifth period.

Related: 3rd Grader Rails Fat Line Of Fun Dip In Bathroom Before Assembly

The school has called the allegations baseless, countering that varsity football star Frederic Sims is a total idiot and has a full-ride to UCLA.

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Little League Coach Gives Game Ball To Shittiest Player On Team, Son

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            James (left) and game ball (right)

MISSION VIEJO, CA—Huddling his team after a win, Tijeras Creek Little League coach Frederic Sims reportedly gave the coveted game ball to the shittiest player on the team, otherwise known as his son James.

“This player really shined tonight. Here you go, son,” Sims said as he tossed the ball to him, striking bewilderment and almost prompting laughter from the team.

“You showed a lot of heart out there,” Sims went on, meanwhile players racked their brains to find a single instance where James wasn’t parked on the bench, choking on sunflower seeds.

Related: Mother Praises ‘OfferUp’ App For Selling Couch, Table, Son

“Surely, this must be some confidence builder, but I mean come on,” one player thought to himself, recalling James’s league mandated minimum of two at bats in which he struck out both times in three pitches and two innings where he was placed so deep in left field he might as well have been in line at the snack shack.

Later, James—known by teammates as “starting left bench”, “daddy’s girl”, “designated shitter”, “the perfect shame”, “Dike Trout”, “Forrest Slump”, “Good Will Bunting”, “A Season Of Unfortunate Events”, “12 Years A Benchwarmer”, “Stranger Thing”, “James Bondage”, “James and the Giant Queef”, “supercalifragilisticexpealidipshit”, “MVP: Most Vulnerable Pussy”, and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Put-In-The-Game”—claimed even he was shocked to receive the game ball.

Related: San Francisco Parents Fear Son Will Be Discriminated Against For Being Mainstream

3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

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ORANGE COUNTY – Police confirmed that 3 more Girl Scouts were placed in handcuffs this week following an ongoing turf war between two rival troops: the Daisies and Brownies.

“Reports indicate the crime was pre-meditated and carried out by members of the notorious 1st Grade Daisies on the 3rd Grade Brownies to claim territory over the Crown Valley Starbucks cookie tabling location,” Police Chief Frederic Sims said.

“At approximately 16:00 hours, while learning the value of a dollar and merits of teamwork, the Daisies cornered the Brownies, demanding a cut of their profit and badges. A vicious brawl immediately ensued, resulting in 4 boxes of Tagalongs damaged beyond repair.”

One mother supervising the junior entrepreneurs is reported to be in critical condition after being shot point blank by a spray of frozen Thin Mints.

The felons—Sally Marie, Olivia Grace, and Hannah Jane—were apprehended in the getaway vehicle, a 2012 Honda Odyssey, and are currently awaiting trial at Orange County Superior Court, where a jury will preside over their allowance on the winter ski trip.