Real Housewives Creator Reveals Series Was Adapted From Shakespeare’s ‘Earnest Wenches Of Northshire’

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EUROPE—Revealing that he was inspired by one of Shakespeare’s lesser-known written works, Real Housewives creator Scott Dunlop told reporters Wednesday his popular series was adapted from a 1500’s play titled “The Earnest Wenches Of Northshire.”

“At its inception, we were trying to depict the character chemistry viewers see today on Bravo as the great Shakespeare so vividly captured with his ensemble of catty handmaidens who lived on the elitist hillside of an Albanian monarchy,” said Dunlop, explaining the wenches waiting for their proprietors to return home from a day’s work at the King’s behest that provided ample time for backstabbing and loads of juicy gossip later inspired his first series set in Orange County.

“Gretchen in particular was influenced by a character named Gertrude, a churlish dame known across the city-state for her unmannered provocations,” Dunlop went on, detailing how his hit series took cues from the original. “For example, the infamous season 11 episode 17 catfight when Kelly Dodd just exploded on Heather and Shannon originally came from Kylia’s Act II monologue tearing asunder Calpurnia for spilling hogshead on her new frock.”

“Aside from love and death, Shakespeare also reveled in depicting key themes like spilling the tea and throwing shade. In fact, excerpts from his diary indicate that Shakespeare himself was a bit of a drama queen and loved to stir the pot.”

Added Dunlop: “Of course, who could forget the iconic line at the climax of Northshire when Rosalind scorns Octavia’s courtship with Sir Benvolio: Doth thou protest me wench? Let us exhort this raucous to the rosegarden!”

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Search And Rescue Team Deployed To Save Woman Lost In Madewell

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ORANGE COUNTY, CA—A search and rescue team was dispatched today in an effort to find Claire Sims, 26, who was last seen entering women’s chic fashion retailer Madewell late Saturday afternoon.

“Today marks day three of task force Oracle’s search for Claire Sims inside the Madewell Mission Viejo mall location,” Operations Section Chief Nathan Roseblatt told reporters, noting they have enlisted the service of scent-tracking dogs, UAV radar, and helicopters to scout the perimeter.

Heat signatures indicate Sims was last spotted in the accessory section between the tote bags and fringe bandanas eyeing what appeared to be a rustic, wooden sign engraved with the quote “Love With Your Whole Heart.”

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Since then, family members claimed they have tried to reach her cellphone, but have yet to receive a call back, or even a single “almost done” text message.

“She went in to return something and—the next thing I know—she vanished,” husband Frederic Sims said. “Honey, if you see this, please come home. We miss you.”

“It’s not uncommon to see shoppers go missing this time of year. With bookish Ivy League blazers and ditsy floral dresses, the Resort 2020 Collection marks the most eye-catching season on record,” Roseblatt went on. “At this time, we believe it necessary to prepare her family for the worst. In an ecosystem home to top-quality denim, effortless tees, keep-forever bags, hauté jewelry, and compliment-worthy ankle boots, it is likely they may never see their daughter again.”

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Authorities are cautioning those who plan on venturing to a Madewell location to alert someone where you’ll be, always carry a directory, and exit before lights go out.

Update: After finding Sims with her arm wedged between a velveteen jumper and ruffle-neck pullover sweater, emergency personnel determined they would need to amputate.

School Faces Discrimination Charges For Giving Dipshits Lower Test Scores

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ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Alleging that they were given unfair treatment based strictly on the level of their intelligence, parents are threatening to sue an Orange County high school for giving their dumbass children worse grades than smart students.

The plaintiffs claim they [good-for-nothing assclowns who get high and play Fortnite the night before an exam] are being systematically displaced by students who pay attention in class, study, and generally care about their future.

“Both of my kids are colossal idiots and have been ostracized at school precisely because of the letter of their grades,” mother Claire Selinsky said, pointing out the school has unashamedly reserved higher learning classes for students that can add and read. “The system is rigged against them. How can they get into a decent college if the school is gatekeeping required courses to students who got at least a C- in Ceramics?”

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Additionally, certified dipshits claim teachers have given preferential treatment to students who weren’t vaping in the back of the classroom texting Justin’s “chill” older brother to buy them Malibu for Kelsey’s thing this weekend.

Unfathomably dumb sons of bitches also report that some of the promising students have resorted to name-calling, using derogatory terms such as “shit-for-brains” and “full-on fucksticks” and, in certain instances, abusing their “smart privilege” by asking minority dumbshits if Jack In The Box has a retirement plan.

Since then, grade-A morons have organized rallies in front of the school where they hold signs that read ‘End The Injustis’ and chant for a ride in someone’s trunk so they can skip fifth period.

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The school has called the allegations baseless, countering that varsity football star Frederic Sims is a total idiot and has a full-ride to UCLA.

Little League Coach Gives Game Ball To Shittiest Player On Team, Son

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            James (left) and game ball (right)

MISSION VIEJO, CA—Huddling his team after a win, Tijeras Creek Little League coach Frederic Sims reportedly gave the coveted game ball to the shittiest player on the team, otherwise known as his son James.

“This player really shined tonight. Here you go, son,” Sims said as he tossed the ball to him, striking bewilderment and almost prompting laughter from the team.

“You showed a lot of heart out there,” Sims went on, meanwhile players racked their brains to find a single instance where James wasn’t parked on the bench, choking on sunflower seeds.

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“Surely, this must be some confidence builder, but I mean come on,” one player thought to himself, recalling James’s league mandated minimum of two at bats in which he struck out both times in three pitches and two innings where he was placed so deep in left field he might as well have been in line at the snack shack.

Later, James—known by teammates as “starting left bench”, “daddy’s girl”, “designated shitter”, “the perfect shame”, “Dike Trout”, “Forrest Slump”, “Good Will Bunting”, “A Season Of Unfortunate Events”, “12 Years A Benchwarmer”, “Stranger Thing”, “James Bondage”, “James and the Giant Queef”, “supercalifragilisticexpealidipshit”, “MVP: Most Vulnerable Pussy”, and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Put-In-The-Game”—claimed even he was shocked to receive the game ball.

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3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

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ORANGE COUNTY – Police confirmed 3 more Girl Scouts were placed in handcuffs this week following an ongoing turf war between two rival troops: the Daisies and Brownies.

“Reports indicate the crime was pre-meditated and carried out by members of the notorious 1st Grade Daisies on the 3rd Grade Brownies to claim territory over the Crown Valley Starbucks cookie tabling location,” Police Chief Frederic Sims said.

“At approximately 16:00 hours, while learning the value of a dollar and merits of teamwork, the Daisies cornered the Brownies, demanding a cut of their profit and badges. A vicious brawl immediately ensued, resulting in 4 boxes of Tagalongs damaged beyond repair.”

One mother supervising the junior entrepreneurs is reported to be in critical condition after being shot point blank by a spray of frozen Thin Mints.

The felons—Sally Marie, Olivia Grace, and Hannah Jane—were apprehended in the getaway vehicle, a 2012 Honda Odyssey, and are currently awaiting trial at Orange County Superior Court where a jury will preside over their permission to go on the winter ski trip.