Tag: Obama

Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Christian Lupica

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

Christian Lupica

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SAN FRANCISCO – In response to a number of complaints from bigots across its platform, Twitter has decided to change its policy on approved forms of discrimination.

Frederic Sims, a concerned white supremacist from Orange County, felt his first amendment rights were being violated by not being able to freely use derogatory terms without penalty. “How else am I supposed to respond when I encounter an opinion different from my own?” he asked.

“After hearing each and every complaint, we have decided to restructure our policy to allow a more welcoming environment for all chauvinists, anti-Semites, white supremacists, and Red Sox fans to freely express their narrow-minded beliefs,” CEO Jack Dorsey said on Tuesday.

The announcement was met with praise from bigots across Twitter, who momentarily crashed the website with a cavalcade of hate-filled tweets targeting former President Barack Obama.

Dorsey went on to say he is confident this is the right step backward in creating an open, hostile dialogue between all genders, races, and religions.

President Donald Trump said he plans to take full advantage of this “very, very good news” during his executive time Friday afternoon.

Nation Condemns Trump Executive Order Separating Raisins From Trail Mix

Christian Lupica

WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to criticism over his travel ban separating families at the border, President Trump doubled down on a new bill this Tuesday that would separate raisins from almonds, pistachios, and the rest of their trail mix families.

Recently appointed Attorney General, Matthew Whitaker, claimed the decision is part of their new “zero-fiber” policy, stating, “our goal is to properly organize every food item that is brought to us.”

Because every food item that enters a grocery store is subject to inspection and dried fruits are not allowed to be held in the nut aisle, they are forcibly taken from their pistachios and almonds and relocated to a different aisle altogether.

An FDA spokesman revealed that 2.5 million raisins have been separated from 2.8 million other ingredients between October 29th and November 15th. Raisin Advocacy Groups, however, claim that at least 1 million more have been separated since then.

Reporters who have toured grocery stores describe the raisins’ new packing conditions as airtight, uncomfortable, and much different from their former semi-inflated mini trail mix package.

Critics have called this “immoral and cruel”, stating, “there is no system in place to reunite each raisin with its original packaging. There’s even a chance a bag of nuts could be recalled while its raisins are left behind.”

Former first lady and healthy family advocate, Michelle Obama, responded, “separating raisins from trail mix contradicts everything we stand for in a midday snack. In fact, highly stressful experiences, like fruit-nut separation, can have a detrimental impact on one’s grocery list.”

The administration is currently facing pressure from lawmakers in both parties as well as vegans, nutritionists, hikers, and moms packing lunches.