WASHINGTON, D.C.—Accusing his opponent of going over the top with safety precautions, President Trump criticized Joe Biden Wednesday morning for using brakes to avoid crashing into hard concrete surfaces.
“This guy uses brakes every chance he gets. It’s almost like he’s afraid of plowing straight into a brick wall at 75 miles per hour or something. What a wimp,” Trump told reporters, pointing out that real men drive straight through four-way stops at crowded elementary schools.
“Oh, give me a break. Every time I see this guy, he’s using his blinker to merge into the next lane. I can’t even count how many times this loser has worn a seatbelt. Everybody knows that airbags are just a left wing, deep state conspiracy to make me look bad in the polls,” the 45th president went on.
Trump later speculated that Biden “probably uses a parachute when he skydives, too.”
Update 10/21/20 9:52am: Directly after tweeting car crashes are a hoax, the president was reportedly involved in a five-car pileup on Pennsylvania Avenue.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to correct one of the Obama administration’s oversights, President Trump broke ground on a construction project Friday morning that aims to rebuild the country’s broken glass ceiling.
“Under President Obama’s watch, one of our country’s great landmarks was thrashed, beaten, and nearly damaged beyond repair. That is why I have teamed with Republican lawmakers and many, many top minds to restore our glass ceiling to its former glory,” President Trump told reporters, outlining a $4 billion budget that will go towards renovating existing holes in the glass ceiling and enforcing them with industrial-grade barriers to women and minorities in the workplace.
Designed by the architect behind Syria’s ceiling, the existing U.S. barricade will be retrofitted with a new, invisible infrastructure capable of supporting racial stereotypes and gender discrimination for up to 50 years. Specifically, workplaces across the U.S. will see improved micro-aggressions, wage-gaps, and a 35% increase in Craigs.
Added Trump: “Construction of this tremendous ceiling will also bring back jobs by creating opportunities for marginalized groups such as white supremacists and misogynists.”
At press time, the president refused to comment when asked how workers would be compensated.
EUROPE—Revealing that he was inspired by one of Shakespeare’s lesser-known written works, Real Housewives creator Scott Dunlop told reporters Wednesday his popular series was adapted from a 1500’s play titled “The Earnest Wenches Of Northshire.”
“At its inception, we were trying to depict the character chemistry viewers see today on Bravo as the great Shakespeare so vividly captured with his ensemble of catty handmaidens who lived on the elitist hillside of an Albanian monarchy,” said Dunlop, explaining the wenches waiting for their proprietors to return home from a day’s work at the King’s behest that provided ample time for backstabbing and loads of juicy gossip later inspired his first series set in Orange County.
“Gretchen in particular was influenced by a character named Gertrude, a churlish dame known across the city-state for her unmannered provocations,” Dunlop went on, detailing how his hit series took cues from the original. “For example, the infamous season 11 episode 17 catfight when Kelly Dodd just exploded on Heather and Shannon originally came from Kylia’s Act II monologue tearing asunder Calpurnia for spilling hogshead on her new frock.”
“Aside from love and death, Shakespeare also reveled in depicting key themes like spilling the tea and throwing shade. In fact, excerpts from his diary indicate that Shakespeare himself was a bit of a drama queen and loved to stir the pot.”
Added Dunlop: “Of course, who could forget the iconic line at the climax of Northshire when Rosalind scorns Octavia’s courtship with Sir Benvolio: Doth thou protest me wench? Let us exhort this raucous to the rosegarden!”
ALISO VIEJO, CA—Saying that he has what it takes to one day be the next great cashier, Target recruiters reportedly have their eyes on a once-in-a-generation talent to join their employee roster.
“Just look at the way he instinctively knows to put bulkier items in the bag first. That’s something that just can’t be taught,” said Talent Acquisition Specialist Frederic Sims, marveling at the 24-year-old as he scanned a bottle of Califia milk without looking.
Noting other employees already taking notice of the wunderkind, Sims added the prodigy seemed to possess similar leadership skills that could fill the hole left by [11-year veteran and former team captain] Debra Sutton, made famous for her expertise with the faulty chip reader on aisle 7.
After reviewing security camera footage, Sims claimed he came across the phenom helping another customer in the home décor section. “Not only does he have the physical prowess, but it appears he also has a strong knowledge of seasonal & online promotional deals. I haven’t seen someone with this complete package since Mikaile Jordan in ’96.”
“Everything from his ability to spot price checks to his God-given, chunky 5’4 build just screams southwest region Employee of the Month,” Sims went on, immediately calling his contacts at Sketchers to potentially sweeten the offer with an attached shoe deal.
“If we cut some Guest Services staff, we could have the cap space to pick up that bagger with a 9.7 second aisle check time from Trader Joes. All he needs is the right team around him, and we could be looking at a National Grocers Association championship.”
Sources later confirmed after disclosing a 5-year, $15.25 an hour contract with a no-trade clause agreement, the inevitable star claimed he had already signed with Walgreens.
UNITED STATES—As students across the country remain home due to school closures, many parents are incorporating bullying into each day to ensure their children receive the same torment they would in a classroom.
“Not only do I have to manage working from home, but I also have to make sure my kids get a daily regimen of harassment they would normally get from Kevin the 5th grader,” said mother Claire Sims, noting that she has blocked off two hours each afternoon for activities like sticking gum in her daughter’s hair and dumping a small chocolate milk carton on her 5-year-old son.
Across the United States, more than 118,000 public and private schools in 45 states have closed, preventing 53 million bullies from performing day-to-day tasks and forcing parents to fill in.
Sims described her well-rounded schedule that starts with pantsing her son, followed by a 10-minute break to comment “horse face” on her daughter’s Instagram posts, and then spreading rumors to her husband before lunch where her kids eat alone in the bathroom.
“It’s times like these that really make me appreciate bullies and realize how difficult their job is, especially for such a low amount of lunch money,” Sims went on, calling out the travesty that bullies often have to pay for their own supplies to properly terrorize students.
Sims has even created a Facebook group for parents to share bullying tools, ideas, and materials called “Bully Everywhere.” Parents in the group are sharing everything from tips for administering wet-willies to leaving permanent mental scars kids will carry through adulthood.
Sims later said she has begun to enjoy the new dynamic and is even thinking of continuing home-bullying after the pandemic ends.
Update: Parents Claire and Frederic Sims have been found dead in the nation’s latest homeschool shooting.
A new exhibit in Ramona, California is showing the struggles life held for Americans in the past. It aims to transport viewers to a moment in time where individuals would travel far and wide to acquire marijuana.
It’s an historically authentic exploration of purchasing what was at the time an illegal substance through an archaic salesman called a “drug dealer.”
“People of this era would often cross an entire town to meet the guy who lived down their hall freshman year and sit in the passenger seat of his 2006 Ford Festiva to exchange $20 for a bag of mostly stems,” said exhibit director Frederic Sims. “You have to remember this is before THC was readily available at gas stations or modern technology pioneered a delivery service. These trips to ‘pick up’, as they called it, were fabled as great journeys that would sometimes take as long as 25 minutes. It was a simpler time.”
According to Sims, these wearied travelers were adept in feigning the illusion of friendship in order to procure a reliable means for getting high. “It was vital for buyers to be on favorable terms with their respective dealer. The status of one’s relationship would often draw the line between another lame ass night at Austin’s and playing Mario Kart blitzed out of your mind after a month long t-break.”
“The tour is incredible. It’s like walking through history. I can’t believe people used to live this way,” said Claire Selinsky, who toured the living museum that included landmark purchasing locations such as a dimly lit cul-de-sac, park bench, and IHOP parking lot.
After coming as part of a class field trip, 7-year-old Hannah Jane claimed she absorbed rich, historic terminology from participating in a scene outside the ‘Friend Of A Friend’s House’ set. “I scored a dime sack of sticky-icky from the plug,” she said.
Tourists also commended the research and attention to detail that went into each reenactor’s performance.
“My character is based on an actual drug dealer who lived in 2014,” said performer Devon Garcietta, who dressed in Nike gym shorts, a Neff beanie, and a Lifted Research Group graphic tee. “Five times a week I would drive to various obscure spots around town to overcharge 17-year-olds for joints packed with oregano.”
The exhibit also includes restored relics that experts believe hail from 2011, the year an artist known as Adele rose to prominence. One particular fossilized mechanism illustrates the peoples’ ingenuity in their manipulation of common household objects to suit their cause.
“It appears the user of this instrument drove a pen through the sides and part of the top to make what is known today as a ‘piece.’ The multiple holes on one side strongly indicate the user was a novice and complete bitch who for sure greened out on his first hit.”
The exhibit will be shown until May at which time it will be replaced with a celebration of life for wired headphones.
ATLANTA, GA—In response to rising paranoia prompted by the Coronavirus, the Center for Disease Control advised Monday that everyone should compile as many pitchforks and torches as possible.
“There’s been a lot of misinformation spread about COVID-19 and, while there is still much unknown, one basic step we can all take to reduce transmission is making sure to have a pitchfork and torch on hand in the event we find an accursed,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, encouraging all to get down to their local haberdashery while supplies last.
“Sure, it might be a little inconvenient to throw stones every time they come near town square, but small steps like boarding up your windows and being indoors by sundown are necessary to prevent contracting this highly contagious disease,” Redfield went on, adding that it doesn’t hurt to be proactive and organize an angry mob with local villagers outside the afflicted’s home.
“If you do happen to know someone who has flu-like symptoms, it would be wise to keep your distance by casting them out into the woods,” Redfield said, noting that small preventative measures like screaming “Witch! Witch!” anytime they attempt to reintegrate with society can help lower the risk of transmission ten fold.
Redfield reminded the most effective treatment for a fever and shortness of breath is being burned at the stake.
UNITED STATES—In line with ramped up advertisements across print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg launched a series of new ads that will reportedly take place deep in the psyche of every waking United States citizen.
“By using the latest in brain-to-brain interfacing technology, we have developed a way to reach voters directly in their occipital lobe,” said campaign strategist Frederic Sims, noting that Americans will begin visualizing brief, 5-second “Mike Will Get It Done” advertisements at the beginning and end of each individual thought their mind conceives.
“Whether it’s something as menial as remembering to turn the stove off or articulating your final words to a loved one on their death bed, every last American will know that Mike has what it takes each time a neuron fires.”
Added Sims: “Americans will also experience longer, 30-second ads while asleep in between REM cycles.”
At press time, thousands of Americans admitted they had unwillingly climaxed to the image of Bloomberg shaking hands with an industrial worker.
THE INTERNET—Proclaiming that he could no longer sit back and idly let his people’s suffering go uncontested, local man Frederic Sims, 24, stood atop his dining room table Thursday and declared that he was to embark on the journey of all journeys: a larger-than-life quest to find which tab in his web browser the sound was coming from and lay to rest its wretched advertisement.
“For one too many minutes this Land Rover commercial has lurked in the shadows, breaching the peace our family desktop once held dear. And today I say neigh!” Sims declared, mapping out his plans to start with the Star Wars wookiepedia page, then carefully tread his way through the dangerous, virus-riddled streaming site 123Movies, and—if time allows—stop for rest at his Yahoo! inbox.
“My fellow kin, heed my words: I shall silence the evil that beckons at us with its claim of a 2-year warranty and 1.9% APR pricing and bring about a new age to this long-forsaken web browser. Google Chrome will know peace and I, as its champion, will cut down any pop-up that stands in my way.”
Added Sims: “Time is of the essence, lest I fall prey to the hypnotizing allure of r/TIFU.”
Later, after confronting the ad in the footer of a BuzzFeed listicle and lashing out at the ‘X’ with his mouse, a nastier beast emerged in a new tab, hissing at Sims “Congratulations! You’ve won a free iPhone 5.”