WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.
“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.
Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.
“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.
Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”
The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!
The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.
The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.
Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.
Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?
Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.
Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?
COUNTRYSIDE—Joining Uber drivers in the strike for higher wages and improved benefits, horses in more than a dozen major pastures are reportedly demanding increased hay for their ride-sharing services.
In addition to removing their saddles, horses will hold rallies in strategic places, such as outside local barns in high-traffic countryside areas. In Texas and New Mexico, Shetlands and Mustangs are slated to cease transporting passengers for 24 hours. In Kentucky, Trixie—an onyx stallion who heads Horses United—has planned a two-hour strike from 6am to 8am during busy cattle herding hours.
Unlike dogs who work as full-time service animals, horses often work as independent contractors on a per-trail basis, foregoing many of the liberties that come with traditional employment in favor of a more flexible schedule. As workers in the gig-economy, trusty steeds believe going on strike is the only way to make their neighs heard.
Participating horses intend to send a message to their owners: they want a livable hay-rate, bigger stables, dental insurance, a 10% commission cap on miles galloped, and a retirement plan outside of being put down, according to a horse bill of rights circulating on Twitter.
Sources project this to be the largest animal-led protest since the historic march of the penguins in 2005.
CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.
The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.
Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”
Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.
In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.
Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:
When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.
NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.
“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.
“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”
Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.
“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”
In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.
SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.
U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.
Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.
Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.
“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.
In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.
In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”
COLLINSBURG, PA—Saying how awesome it was to see everyone again, an old group of high school friends reportedly met for drinks Thursday to exaggerate how well each of their lives were progressing.
“Not to brag, but I just had an interview with one of the top accounting firms in the country,” said Frederic Sims, who conveniently left out the duties of the position in which he would be walking door-to-door, handing out flyers.
“No way! I hope you get it,” Claire Selinsky said with deep-seated jealousy for her friend’s good fortune, going on to describe how quitting her job to focus full-time on her textile business was going exactly as planned while carefully omitting that it has driven her to the brink of living out of her 2013 Toyota Yaris.
Meanwhile, Derek—who sources claim has it all figured out—discussed how “dope” it was to finally be living on his own in what he referred to as a “steal”, choosing not to mention he’s paying $2300 per month to live in a Los Angeles apartment the equivalent of a large cupboard with eleven other roommates and no bathroom.
The get-together reportedly reached a climax when the group unanimously surmised the only reason Rachel—who couldn’t make it—lives in a fancy New York high-rise with a stable job and loving husband has something to do with genetics.
Later, Mia—who was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger—said everything was going “fine.”