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The Lupica Factor’s Summer Must See TV Watchlist

May 14, 2019 Christian Lupica

The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!

Screen Shot 2019-05-13 at 5.21.53 PM — The Bachelorette | ABC

The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.

Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.

Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?

Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.

Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?

NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.

What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.

backlit-beach-clouds-1128566 — Big Little Lies | HBO

Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.

The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.

Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.

The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.

What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.

Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2^nd on 60 Minutes.

The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.

portrait_tex_beneke_new_3 — Pennyworth | Epix

Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.

Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.

The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.

bodyworn_body_camera_794112 — Watchmen | HBO

Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.

Horses Stand In Solidarity With Uber Drivers To Demand Better Hay

May 10, 2019 Christian Lupica

animal-domestic-animal-farm-58875 — Chester, a member of Rideshare Horses United, leading Carthusians and Clydesdales in protest chants

COUNTRYSIDE—Joining Uber drivers in the strike for higher wages and improved benefits, horses in more than a dozen major pastures are reportedly demanding increased hay for their ride-sharing services.

In addition to removing their saddles, horses will hold rallies in strategic places, such as outside local barns in high-traffic countryside areas. In Texas and New Mexico, Shetlands and Mustangs are slated to cease transporting passengers for 24 hours. In Kentucky, Trixie—an onyx stallion who heads Horses United—has planned a two-hour strike from 6am to 8am during busy cattle herding hours.

Unlike dogs who work as full-time service animals, horses often work as independent contractors on a per-trail basis, foregoing many of the liberties that come with traditional employment in favor of a more flexible schedule. As workers in the gig-economy, trusty steeds believe going on strike is the only way to make their neighs heard.

Participating horses intend to send a message to their owners: they want a livable hay-rate, bigger stables, dental insurance, a 10% commission cap on miles galloped, and a retirement plan outside of being put down, according to a horse bill of rights circulating on Twitter.

Sources project this to be the largest animal-led protest since the historic march of the penguins in 2005.

Crystal Geyser Leaks Blueprints For Next-Generation Water Bottle

May 8, 2019May 8, 2019 Christian Lupica

crystalgeyserblueprint — Crystal Geyser’s leaked blueprints hint at new groundbreaking water encapsulation technology

CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.

The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.

Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”

crystalgeysersizes

Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.

In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.

Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:

When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.

Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

April 26, 2019 Christian Lupica

lunch_at_chipotle

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

April 23, 2019April 23, 2019 Christian Lupica

SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.

U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.

Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.

Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.

“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.

In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.

In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”

Old Friends Gather Once Yearly To Catch Up, Exaggerate

April 14, 2019April 19, 2019 Christian Lupica

alcoholic-beverage-bar-beer-1269025 — Old friends rejoicing before presenting hyperbolic life updates

COLLINSBURG, PA—Saying how awesome it was to see everyone again, an old group of high school friends reportedly met for drinks Thursday to exaggerate how well each of their lives were progressing.

“Not to brag, but I just had an interview with one of the top accounting firms in the country,” said Frederic Sims, who conveniently left out the duties of the position in which he would be walking door-to-door, handing out flyers.

“No way! I hope you get it,” Claire Selinsky said with deep-seated jealousy for her friend’s good fortune, going on to describe how quitting her job to focus full-time on her textile business was going exactly as planned while carefully omitting that it has driven her to the brink of living out of her 2013 Toyota Yaris.

Meanwhile, Derek—who sources claim has it all figured out—discussed how “dope” it was to finally be living on his own in what he referred to as a “steal”, choosing not to mention he’s paying $2300 per month to live in a Los Angeles apartment the equivalent of a large cupboard with eleven other roommates and no bathroom.

The get-together reportedly reached a climax when the group unanimously surmised the only reason Rachel—who couldn’t make it—lives in a fancy New York high-rise with a stable job and loving husband has something to do with genetics.

Later, Mia—who was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger—said everything was going “fine.”

LEGO Unveils New Gentrified San Francisco Neighborhood Rebuild Set

April 10, 2019April 19, 2019 Christian Lupica

alphacolor-375033-unsplash — Invisible hand of the market escorting low-income LEGO character out of what used to be his home

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Touting not only the hours of endless fun but also the psychological benefits children can glean, LEGO unveiled Monday a new gentrified San Francisco neighborhood rebuild set.

“Inspire imagination in your kids as they take on the role of a merciless real estate tycoon,” spokesman Frederic Sims said, noting that children ages 6-8 will have a blast learning firsthand the systematic oppression of the lower class by removing aging pieces in LEGO housing projects and installing refurbished blocks in the new Tenderloin Sky View Lodge LEGO Apartments.

“Fine-tune motor skills by renovating dated fixtures with luxurious LEGO marble countertops and bamboo flooring,” Sims went on. “Then finish it off with stainless steel LEGO kitchen appliances to drastically raise property value, skyrocket rent prices, and kick low-income LEGO characters to the curb.”

Sims added the new set would teach causal reasoning as kids build a LEGO Trader Joes next door to a locally owned Gus’s market and in doing so absorb their clientele, forcing them to sell you what remains of their pathetic family venture.

“As your empire grows to the Mission, watch their problem-solving ability flourish by authorizing police LEGOS to toss LEGO tear gas canisters and dissolve the residents futile rent control protest,” Sims raved. “Then as their vision comes back, let them observe as you decimate their childhood homes with the new LEGO wrecking ball crane.”

“Instill leadership skills when your kids blackmail government officials at LEGO city hall to expedite building contract approvals,” Sims said. “Pull the strings on your political puppets and taste true supremacy, all while stimulating creativity in your young ones’ developing brains.”

“Complete the experience with LEGO tents and garbage can fires where former tenants can longingly gaze in unaware that your LEGO character is getting off on their suffering, making the affair your having with your LEGO assistant even hotter. Your LEGO wife will be home in ten minutes, but you don’t give a shit. This is power. Whatever you want, you take. Nobody can even fuck with your LEGO empire.” Sims said, slamming his fist on the podium.

Sims concluded his presentation by imploring children to grind former tenants homes and dreams into dirt, use it as the foundation for their LEGO real estate conglomerate, and to keep small pieces out of the reach of toddlers.

Sims also teased junior LEGO estate moguls with a new up-and-coming South Carolina coastal suburb build set coming this summer.

Little League Coach Gives Game Ball To Shittiest Player On Team, Son

April 5, 2019April 18, 2019 Christian Lupica

baseball_little_league_sliding — James (left) and game ball (right)

MISSION VIEJO, CA—Huddling his team after a win, Tijeras Creek Little League coach Frederic Sims reportedly gave the coveted game ball to the shittiest player on the team, otherwise known as his son James.

“This player really shined tonight. Here you go, son,” Sims said as he tossed the ball to him, striking bewilderment and almost prompting laughter from the team.

“You showed a lot of heart out there,” Sims went on, meanwhile players racked their brains to find a single instance where James wasn’t parked on the bench, choking on sunflower seeds.

“Surely, this must be some confidence builder, but I mean come on,” one player thought to himself, recalling James’s league mandated minimum of two at bats in which he struck out both times in three pitches and two innings where he was placed so deep in left field he might as well have been in line at the snack shack.

Later, James—known by teammates as “starting left bench”, “daddy’s girl”, “designated shitter”, “the perfect shame”, “Dike Trout”, “Forrest Slump”, “Good Will Bunting”, “A Season Of Unfortunate Events”, “12 Years A Benchwarmer”, “Stranger Thing”, “James Bondage”, “James and the Giant Queef”, “supercalifragilisticexpealidipshit”, “MVP: Most Vulnerable Pussy”, and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Put-In-The-Game”—claimed even he was shocked to receive the game ball.

Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

April 1, 2019April 29, 2019 Christian Lupica

kenhaineskevinwhitecoachk — Coach K at the Duke Blue Devil’s annual Thanksgiving potluck with the theatre department.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Explaining his team’s loss to Michigan State on Sunday, coach of the Duke Blue Devils, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K), told reporters his storied legacy was exclusively the result of team bonding exercises.

“That’s an area we came up short this year,” he said. “Looking back, I should’ve wasted less time drilling my guys on full-court press and the 3 man weave and instead focused on chemistry building activities like making vision boards and doing trust falls. That’s what wins championships.”

When asked questions linking the team’s past success to acquisition of top tier high school talent, Coach K dismissed the notion as a small factor when compared to his exhaustive problem-solving regimen of egg drops, scavenger hunts, and water balloon fights.

comparing_water_balloons_colourful — Coach K and Associate Head Coach, Jon Scheyer, handing out water balloons to players.

Although a strict training schedule and two-a-day practices played a menial role, Krzyzewski clarified the reason for dominating their bracket in 2015 was a camping retreat that placed an emphasis on active listening through spooky campfire stories and making dream catchers as a unit.

Krzyzewski did shed light on star player Zion Williamson—a 6’7, 284 pound monster in the paint and threat from beyond the arc—who was inspired with the creativity to maintain his 22.5 PPG and 68.4% field goal percentage during a mandatory Color Me Mine player bonding exercise.

In addition, he stressed the importance of icebreakers before each practice, pointing out that ‘two truths and a lie’ in particular gave the team’s introverts a chance to branch out and be more vocal when they’re open.

Coach K also highlighted an example in the 2012 Summer Olympics where he blindfolded team captain LeBron James for a game of Marco Polo a day before winning the gold medal. “That’s not just a coincidence,” he said.

Krzyzewski had to cut the interview short, however, when an assistant rushed on stage to tell him his players were holding hands in the locker room, waiting to play their ceremonial post-game round of Red Rover.

Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

March 19, 2019March 31, 2019 Christian Lupica

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

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