Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

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Coach K at the Duke Blue Devil’s annual Thanksgiving potluck with the theatre department.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Explaining his team’s loss to Michigan State on Sunday, coach of the Duke Blue Devils, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K), told reporters his storied legacy was exclusively the result of team bonding exercises.

“That’s an area we came up short this year,” he said. “Looking back, I should’ve wasted less time drilling my guys on full-court press and the 3 man weave and instead focused on chemistry building activities like making vision boards and doing trust falls. That’s what wins championships.”

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When asked questions linking the team’s past success to acquisition of top tier high school talent, Coach K dismissed the notion as a small factor when compared to his exhaustive problem-solving regimen of egg drops, scavenger hunts, and water balloon fights.

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Coach K and Associate Head Coach, Jon Scheyer, handing out water balloons to players.

Although a strict training schedule and two-a-day practices played a menial role, Krzyzewski clarified the reason for dominating their bracket in 2015 was a camping retreat that placed an emphasis on active listening through spooky campfire stories and making dream catchers as a unit.

Krzyzewski did shed light on star player Zion Williamson—a 6’7, 284 pound monster in the paint and threat from beyond the arc—who was inspired with the creativity to maintain his 22.5 PPG and 68.4% field goal percentage during a mandatory Color Me Mine player bonding exercise.

In addition, he stressed the importance of icebreakers before each practice, pointing out that ‘two truths and a lie’ in particular gave the team’s introverts a chance to branch out and be more vocal when they’re open.

Coach K also highlighted an example in the 2012 Summer Olympics where he blindfolded team captain LeBron James for a game of Marco Polo a day before winning the gold medal. “That’s not just a coincidence,” he said.

Krzyzewski had to cut the interview short, however, when an assistant rushed on stage to tell him his players were holding hands in the locker room, waiting to play their ceremonial post-game round of Red Rover.

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Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

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Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a college bribery scandal, the University of Southern California defended the representation of its students with celebrity parents as part of a goal to promote diversity on campus.

“At USC, we strive to maintain a diverse student body,” spokesman Frederic Sims said. “While we are proud to attract the sharpest minds and finest athletes, it is also imperative we provide opportunities to the minority of snobby, rich celebrity children.”

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In recent years, data shows USC has made an honest effort to represent more students of wealthy, famous backgrounds, but the number of college students across the country with familial ties to an A-list celebrity remains staggeringly low.

“When you look at campuses across the country, 99% of students you see are commonplace nobodies,” Sims went on. “Which is why we pride ourselves in representing the 1%.”

Sims ended by challenging any self-proclaimed inclusive university to acknowledge how some students are born with systemic challenges that prevent them from devoting time to academics. “Just imagine how difficult it is to work hard when you don’t have to,” Sims concluded.

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Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

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Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

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Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire

Image attribution: Hayu [CC BY 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D
HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Makeup mogul Kylie Jenner made history this week by becoming the youngest billionaire in history despite coming from a mediocre millionaire heritage.

“It was hard growing up,” Jenner said. “I didn’t always get the Rolex or velour handbag I wanted, but my parents made sure I had the bare necessities: an Amex Black Card and personal driver.”

Related: USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

Jenner described the cramped, barely hospitable 15,000 square foot mansion with 2 pools and 4 butlers she grew up in as motivation to beat the odds and escape the slums of the 35% tax bracket.

“I was just a girl with a dream and a multi-million dollar trust fund,” Jenner recalled. “If I ever wanted to be successful, I knew I had to buckle down and work hard every other day.”

Jenner went on to explain how her unpleasant childhood memories of a meager $3000 allowance continue to drive her through a grueling 2-hour workweek.

“Whenever I think about giving up, I just think back to those dark days of flying First Class commercial,” Jenner said. “It always makes me calm down, remember where I came from, and have my assistant take care of it.”

Fortunately, the money hasn’t gone to her head. Jenner will be starting a charity this summer that will help fight the ongoing single car garage epidemic.

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Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

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ORANGE COUNTY – Police confirmed that 3 more Girl Scouts were placed in handcuffs this week following an ongoing turf war between two rival troops: the Daisies and Brownies.

“Reports indicate the crime was pre-meditated and carried out by members of the notorious 1st Grade Daisies on the 3rd Grade Brownies to claim territory over the Crown Valley Starbucks cookie tabling location,” Police Chief Frederic Sims said.

“At approximately 16:00 hours, while learning the value of a dollar and merits of teamwork, the Daisies cornered the Brownies, demanding a cut of their profit and badges. A vicious brawl immediately ensued, resulting in 4 boxes of Tagalongs damaged beyond repair.”

One mother supervising the junior entrepreneurs is reported to be in critical condition after being shot point blank by a spray of frozen Thin Mints.

The felons—Sally Marie, Olivia Grace, and Hannah Jane—were apprehended in the getaway vehicle, a 2012 Honda Odyssey, and are currently awaiting trial at Orange County Superior Court, where a jury will preside over their allowance on the winter ski trip.