COLLINSBURG, PA—Saying how awesome it was to see everyone again, an old group of high school friends reportedly met for drinks Thursday to exaggerate how well each of their lives were progressing.
“Not to brag, but I just had an interview with one of the top accounting firms in the country,” said Frederic Sims, who conveniently left out the duties of the position in which he would be walking door-to-door, handing out flyers.
“No way! I hope you get it,” Claire Selinsky said with deep-seated jealousy for her friend’s good fortune, going on to describe how quitting her job to focus full-time on her textile business was going exactly as planned while carefully omitting that it has driven her to the brink of living out of her 2013 Toyota Yaris.
Meanwhile, Derek—who sources claim has it all figured out—discussed how “dope” it was to finally be living on his own in what he referred to as a “steal”, choosing not to mention he’s paying $2300 per month to live in a Los Angeles apartment the equivalent of a large cupboard with eleven other roommates and no bathroom.
The get-together reportedly reached a climax when the group unanimously surmised the only reason Rachel—who couldn’t make it—lives in a fancy New York high-rise with a stable job and loving husband has something to do with genetics.
Later, Mia—who was just awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for ending world hunger—said everything was going “fine.”