City Council Approves Funding To Build New Public Sex Park

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Build site for Harris P. Vanderley (HPV) Park

CHESTERTON, IL—When most people think about sex parks, they think of a place where risky folks like to hang out and cause trouble. But for the Chesterton community, that sentiment couldn’t be further from the truth.

“We believe this addition will not only end complaints from residents and commercial property owners but also free law enforcement from shooing away solicitors by providing a safe environment for exhibitionists to ride in peace,” said city councilman Frederic Sims.

“If a city doesn’t have a sex park, it is a sex park,” he added.

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One of many signs around Chesterton that will no longer be needed

The park will reportedly feature steel grind rails, ramps for lumbar support, dimly lit alleyways, and a full-time roaming security guard to add suspense. Additionally, while park users are required to wear protection at all times, kneepads are strongly encouraged.

According to locals, the park is a welcome addition that has been teased for far too long.

“What a relief,” said local Alex McClure. “I was getting tired of being asked to leave the Pick Up Stix parking lot.”

“Agreed,” added Pick Up Stix line cook Dante Mitchell.

Related: School Faces Discrimination Charges For Giving Dipshits Lower Test Scores

However, some take issue with the government leveraging them into a position they’re uncomfortable with.

“It shouldn’t be a government’s place to tell me where I can and can’t enjoy my passion,” said AT&T service associate Zach Simmons. “Plus, sex parks like that always get super crowded. I’d rather just stick to my usual spot at the Wells Fargo staircase.”

Sims emphasized the park will be suitable for everyone no matter his or her skill level. In addition, on Tuesday nights instructors will offer classes for newcomers looking to get into the sex scene.

“Naturally, if you don’t plan on going solo, each person is allowed one guest. However, a small fee will be charged for those who wish to bring two or more,” Sims said, clarifying that family members do not count as guests.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

“And for those who just like to watch, be on the lookout for monthly events where you can see local amateurs and well-known pros pull off some crazy tricks,” Sims said, teasing a guest appearance of someone who competed in the 2018 XXX Games.

Sims concluded by verifying construction will begin in January and the department will announce when they are close to finishing.

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Jeff Bezos Reprimands Daughter For Spending Too Little

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Bezos explains to daughter what kind of people shop at Ross

MEDINA, WASHINGTON—In an attempt to figure out the meaning behind her responsible spending habits, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly chastised his daughter Monday for not spending an exorbitant amount of money.

“$45 at Nordstrom? $11 at Chipotle? Let’s get one thing straight. When your personal driver drops you at the mall, I expect you to be reckless and impulsive with my endless stream of cash,” Bezos said, harshly reminding his daughter of her $50,000 weekly allowance.

Related: Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City

“Money doesn’t grow on trees, okay? It sits in my bank account and multiplies exponentially,” Bezos went on, growing increasingly frustrated after learning his daughter purchased a pair of Converse on sale to “save money.”

“15% off? Jesus Christ. I don’t sit around all day and passively accumulate an unfathomable stockpile of capital so you can be the poster child for the Salvation Army. Show some respect and buy a fleet of yachts like the goddamn unhinged billionaire I raised you to be,” Bezos said, adding that it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while she tried purchasing the rights to the Star Wars franchise or putting Somalia on her debit card.

Related: Bystanders Roll Eyes At Smug Tesla Driver Engulfed In Flames

Bezos reportedly grounded his daughter by sending her to her private island off the coast of Belize where she will think long and hard about properly abusing her privilege.

What You Need To Know: Facebook & Islamic Extremist Groups

Facebook has been the center of criticism after inadvertently providing Islamic extremist groups with a networking and recruitment tool. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • Answers the question, “who even uses Facebook anymore?”
  • Marks the largest extremist group given a platform by Facebook since the “Moms For Trump” page
  • Ruins having meaningful, face-to-face conversations about the ultimate sacrifice like we used to
  • Glad to see grandma found a new hobby
  • Bi-weekly meet & greets at the Holiday Inn in Roseville. Snacks and beverages provided
  • Worse, LinkedIn just listed the position “Part-Time Suicide Bomber”
    1. Position is “temporary”
    2. Ideal candidates will be self-starters
    3. Must have at least 4 years of experience in a related field
  • Still better than vacation photos
  • Apparently, what drew them in was Facebook’s terms and conditions mirror Sharia Law
  • Boastful nature of Facebook might set false standard of deriving self-worth from how many hospitals you’ve blown up
  • Finally, a place where Islamic Extremists and White Supremacists can all get along
  • Sadly, unaware they could reach more people on Instagram
  • So when Facebook does it, they’re “criticized”, but when I do it, I “have the right to remain silent?”

Read: What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

Marianne Williamson Admits Nation Not Ready For President Who Can Cast Blood Magic

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Williamson casts Blood Typhoon, a high level runic spell, for reporters

DURNSHIRE WOODS, MOONMYST ISLE—Attributing a drop in polls to her ideas being too profound for the average American to comprehend, presidential candidate Marianne Williamson told reporters Tuesday the nation may not be ready for a president who is a devoted practitioner of the dark arts.

“As a full-fledged Scion of the Sixth Serenity, I know firsthand how much the nation could benefit from the blessing light of Lunaria. But for mere mortals who have never bathed in the glimmering Pools of Salvatar or studied the three schools of blood magic under High Priest C’Thajh, I can see why my ideas are difficult to grasp,” Williamson said, adding that she regrets her Eight Fold Illumination plan for the United States will never see action.

Related: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

“I was to bring reparations to African-Americans just as I brought justice to the Highborne persecuted in their own cloud haven! Global warming could’ve been cast to oblivion if I had the chance to replace vehicles with Dragon Serpents of the West Wind! Solving the homelessness crisis is as easy as summoning the ancient Tree god Gungor for shelter and hate could have forever been undone simply by having each citizen peer into the Mirror of A Thousand Infinities!” Williamson echoed, noting that with two Etherwood Fickles and a four-verse incantation, she also had plans to cast a peace ward on the Middle East.

“Despite reminding Americans frequently of my qualifications—such as when I vanquished the life-stealing necromancer Ar’Qir or the time I protected the realm by polymorphing an ogre abomination into Ted Cruz—they still write me off as some lunatic. Their loss I guess,” Williamson said, signaling an aide to fetch her grimoire.

Related: Bran Orders Executive Decree To Build Wheelchair Accessible Ramps In All Seven Kingdoms

For the time being, Williamson concluded she would open a portal to the Night Elf capital of Ala’Ska where she will seek council from Eternal Outcast Palin and lie in slumber until the nation heeds her call.

NSA Enlists Geek Squad To Thwart Future Election Interference

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FORT MEADE, MA—In an effort to preserve the integrity of future elections, officials from the National Security Agency stated Thursday the specialist organization known as ‘Geek Squad’ has just finished renovating the country’s cyber defense system. 

“Today I am proud to announce a comprehensive revamp of the National Security Agency’s digital hardware and cybersecurity systems, only made possible by Kevin,” said NSA director Frederic Sims (72), noting that his IBM PC and yellowing, buckle spring keyboard are now relics of the past.

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Kevin: part-time Geek Squad employee, sophomore at Anne Arundel Community College, American hero

In addition to replacing their dial-up internet with a fiber-optic connection, Kevin—who refurbished the National Security Agency with HP Pavilion desktop PC’s—garnered Sims’ praise for swapping out the old password [usa] with a new, “uncrackable” code that incorporates numbers, uppercase letters, and “that squiggly line above the tab button.” Sims took pause to assure agents concerned with the all-encompassing overhaul that the new password is on a sticky note on his monitor should anyone forget.

“Above all, America will now and forever be seen as the standard for impenetrable election security with the addition of Norton AntiVirus Plus,” Sims said, daring any foreign entity to try and get past the real-time protection of Norton’s pop up blocking 1 month free trial.

Related: U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

Sources indicate that while the bulk of Kevin’s efforts focused on cyber security, he also took the liberty of answering questions and addressing some much needed quality of life improvements.

“Kevin was vital in installing the ‘Google Chrome’, updating what is known as ‘Adobe Flash Player’, showing defense operatives how to connect to wifi, importing The Eagles “Desperado” album to my iTunes library, transcribing the steps for checking email, and helping Chief Intelligence Officer Alfred Greenblatt save a .pdf,” Sims said.

Kevin, who started with Geek Squad in July, told reporters he was happy to assist the National Security Agency with their common tech troubles.

“It was pretty easy. The hardest part was explaining they could still play solitaire,” Kevin said, who added that it took several minutes to convince Sims he would now be able to use his office phone and browse the internet simultaneously.

Related: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Admitting Sims was afraid of “internet people” stealing their information, Kevin said he eased his worries by hiding the nation’s nuclear codes in a folder titled ‘Grandkids Disneyworld ’08.’

The entire technological grid has since reportedly crashed after Sims clicked an email in his spam folder titled “H0t h0rNy S1ngLez NeAr U.”

U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.

“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.

Related: Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.

“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.

Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

In closing, Sims clarified that users discovered to be using hashtags will be deemed enemies of the state and immediately deported.

The Lupica Factor’s Summer Must See TV Watchlist

The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!

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The Bachelorette | ABC

The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.

Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.

Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?

Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.

Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?

Related: Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute

NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.

What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.

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Big Little Lies | HBO

Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.

The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.

Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.

Related: ‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.

What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.

Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2nd on 60 Minutes.

The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.

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Pennyworth | Epix

Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.

Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.

The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.

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Watchmen | HBO

Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.

Related: Gordon Ramsay To Teach MasterClass On The Art Of Verbal Abuse