Parents Take Up Home-Bullying Amid Coronavirus School Closures

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UNITED STATES—As students across the country remain home due to school closures, many parents are incorporating bullying into each day to ensure their children receive the same torment they would in a classroom.

“Not only do I have to manage working from home, but I also have to make sure my kids get a daily regimen of harassment they would normally get from Kevin the 5th grader,” said mother Claire Sims, noting that she has blocked off two hours each afternoon for activities like sticking gum in her daughter’s hair and dumping a small chocolate milk carton on her 5-year-old son.

Across the United States, more than 118,000 public and private schools in 45 states have closed, preventing 53 million bullies from performing day-to-day tasks and forcing parents to fill in.

Sims described her well-rounded schedule that starts with pantsing her son, followed by a 10-minute break to comment “horse face” on her daughter’s Instagram posts, and then spreading rumors to her husband before lunch where her kids eat alone in the bathroom.

“It’s times like these that really make me appreciate bullies and realize how difficult their job is, especially for such a low amount of lunch money,” Sims went on, calling out the travesty that bullies often have to pay for their own supplies to properly terrorize students.

Sims has even created a Facebook group for parents to share bullying tools, ideas, and materials called “Bully Everywhere.” Parents in the group are sharing everything from tips for administering wet-willies to leaving permanent mental scars kids will carry through adulthood.

Sims later said she has begun to enjoy the new dynamic and is even thinking of continuing home-bullying after the pandemic ends.

Update: Parents Claire and Frederic Sims have been found dead in the nation’s latest homeschool shooting.

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Historical Reenactors Portray Early 21st Century Marijuana Trade

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American Museum of Natural History

A new exhibit in Ramona, California is showing the struggles life held for Americans in the past. It aims to transport viewers to a moment in time where individuals would travel far and wide to acquire marijuana.

It’s an historically authentic exploration of purchasing what was at the time an illegal substance through an archaic salesman called a “drug dealer.”

“People of this era would often cross an entire town to meet the guy who lived down their hall freshman year and sit in the passenger seat of his 2006 Ford Festiva to exchange $20 for a bag of mostly stems,” said exhibit director Frederic Sims. “You have to remember this is before THC was readily available at gas stations or modern technology pioneered a delivery service. These trips to ‘pick up’, as they called it, were fabled as great journeys that would sometimes take as long as 25 minutes. It was a simpler time.”

According to Sims, these wearied travelers were adept in feigning the illusion of friendship in order to procure a reliable means for getting high. “It was vital for buyers to be on favorable terms with their respective dealer. The status of one’s relationship would often draw the line between another lame ass night at Austin’s and playing Mario Kart blitzed out of your mind after a month long t-break.”

“The tour is incredible. It’s like walking through history. I can’t believe people used to live this way,” said Claire Selinsky, who toured the living museum that included landmark purchasing locations such as a dimly lit cul-de-sac, park bench, and IHOP parking lot.

After coming as part of a class field trip, 7-year-old Hannah Jane claimed she absorbed rich, historic terminology from participating in a scene outside the ‘Friend Of A Friend’s House’ set. “I scored a dime sack of sticky-icky from the plug,” she said.

Tourists also commended the research and attention to detail that went into each reenactor’s performance.

“My character is based on an actual drug dealer who lived in 2014,” said performer Devon Garcietta, who dressed in Nike gym shorts, a Neff beanie, and a Lifted Research Group graphic tee. “Five times a week I would drive to various obscure spots around town to overcharge 17-year-olds for joints packed with oregano.”

The exhibit also includes restored relics that experts believe hail from 2011, the year an artist known as Adele rose to prominence. One particular fossilized mechanism illustrates the peoples’ ingenuity in their manipulation of common household objects to suit their cause.

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“It appears the user of this instrument drove a pen through the sides and part of the top to make what is known today as a ‘piece.’ The multiple holes on one side strongly indicate the user was a novice and complete bitch who for sure greened out on his first hit.”

The exhibit will be shown until May at which time it will be replaced with a celebration of life for wired headphones.

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CDC Recommends Stocking Up On Pitchforks, Torches

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ATLANTA, GA—In response to rising paranoia prompted by the Coronavirus, the Center for Disease Control advised Monday that everyone should compile as many pitchforks and torches as possible.

“There’s been a lot of misinformation spread about COVID-19 and, while there is still much unknown, one basic step we can all take to reduce transmission is making sure to have a pitchfork and torch on hand in the event we find an accursed,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, encouraging all to get down to their local haberdashery while supplies last.

“Sure, it might be a little inconvenient to throw stones every time they come near town square, but small steps like boarding up your windows and being indoors by sundown are necessary to prevent contracting this highly contagious disease,” Redfield went on, adding that it doesn’t hurt to be proactive and organize an angry mob with local villagers outside the afflicted’s home.

“If you do happen to know someone who has flu-like symptoms, it would be wise to keep your distance by casting them out into the woods,” Redfield said, noting that small preventative measures like screaming “Witch! Witch!” anytime they attempt to reintegrate with society can help lower the risk of transmission ten fold.

Redfield reminded the most effective treatment for a fever and shortness of breath is being burned at the stake.

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Bloomberg Launches New Telepathic Ad Campaign To Air Perpetually In Human Consciousness

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UNITED STATES—In line with ramped up advertisements across print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg launched a series of new ads that will reportedly take place deep in the psyche of every waking United States citizen.

“By using the latest in brain-to-brain interfacing technology, we have developed a way to reach voters directly in their occipital lobe,” said campaign strategist Frederic Sims, noting that Americans will begin visualizing brief, 5-second “Mike Will Get It Done” advertisements at the beginning and end of each individual thought their mind conceives.

“Whether it’s something as menial as remembering to turn the stove off or articulating your final words to a loved one on their death bed, every last American will know that Mike has what it takes each time a neuron fires.”

Added Sims: “Americans will also experience longer, 30-second ads while asleep in between REM cycles.”

At press time, thousands of Americans admitted they had unwillingly climaxed to the image of Bloomberg shaking hands with an industrial worker.

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Man Embarks On Epic Quest To Find Which Tab Sound Coming From

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THE INTERNET—Proclaiming that he could no longer sit back and idly let his people’s suffering go uncontested, local man Frederic Sims, 24, stood atop his dining room table Thursday and declared that he was to embark on the journey of all journeys: a larger-than-life quest to find which tab in his web browser the sound was coming from and lay to rest its wretched advertisement.

“For one too many minutes this Land Rover commercial has lurked in the shadows, breaching the peace our family desktop once held dear. And today I say neigh!” Sims declared, mapping out his plans to start with the Star Wars wookiepedia page, then carefully tread his way through the dangerous, virus-riddled streaming site 123Movies, and—if time allows—stop for rest at his Yahoo! inbox.

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“My fellow kin, heed my words: I shall silence the evil that beckons at us with its claim of a 2-year warranty and 1.9% APR pricing and bring about a new age to this long-forsaken web browser. Google Chrome will know peace and I, as its champion, will cut down any pop-up that stands in my way.”

Added Sims: “Time is of the essence, lest I fall prey to the hypnotizing allure of r/TIFU.”

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Later, after confronting the ad in the footer of a BuzzFeed listicle and lashing out at the ‘X’ with his mouse, a nastier beast emerged in a new tab, hissing at Sims “Congratulations! You’ve won a free iPhone 5.”

Breaking: The Lupica Factor Has Found Hot, Horny Singles Near You

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NEAR YOU, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?—Urging you to stop scrolling and read the following text, a late-breaking report confirmed Friday that The Lupica Factor has found hot, horny singles in your direct vicinity and the only way to contact them is through the discreet new dating service LupicaFriendFinder.

“We’ve found several local girls in your zip code who are lonely and desperately looking for attention,” the site said, adding that user Jane69 is 5.7 miles away and Latin_Beauty_xx is only 2.4 miles away.

“Hey handsome… What are you up to(; … I’m so bored,” said a message from Hot_Carmen, 24, noting that she’s with a friend and her boyfriend won’t be home until tomorrow.

“Sign up for free now and cam chat with any of our 98,211,967 members,” the #1 adult dating site went on, emphasizing that 86,097 are online NOW and ready to satiate your deepest desires.

Added Hot_Carmen: “Hurry and enter your email address in the sidebar so we can meet up. I’m waiting…”

After creating an account, sources claim the site had asked for your home address, credit card, and social security number to continue.

Millennials Issue Response To Draft: “Sorry, We’re Busy That Day”

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UNITED STATES—As tensions in the Middle East rise and government officials begin preparing for a worst-case scenario, millennials in the United States have issued a formal response to the possibility of a draft: “sorry, we’re busy that day.”

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“We’d honestly love to, but we, like, kind of already have this thing. Thanks for hitting us up though,” millennial spokesperson Frederic Sims said, offering no specifics whatsoever, but clarifying they’d like to “grab drinks” with recruiting officers sometime.

Government officials have since called the response “flakey” and, in more critical instances, “straight up shady.”

“Just as the Greatest Generation rose to the occasion in World War II, we expect the same from today’s youth. However, it appears we underestimated millennial’s ability to bail at the last minute and make us wonder if we’re even friends anymore,” Roseville military recruiter Eli Watts said, venting frustration with one 23-year-old in particular who didn’t respond to his text, yet hours later posted an acai bowl to his Snapchat story.

Added Watts: “It just really hurts my feelings.”

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Later, government officials had solidified a deployment date for “maybe Thursday?”