NEW YORK—Marking the 18th anniversary of the event that occurred on 9/11, the Music Television Channel took a moment on air Wednesday to reflect on the horrific day Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” album hit shelves.
“Let us take pause to acknowledge the millions of Americans whose lives were changed forever by the sickening, at times appalling ballads heard in ‘Lead The Way,’” MTV Networks CEO Frederic Sims said.
“A historical moment that changed how we think about pop and hip hop, Carey’s off-key blend of New York Latin disco and hair-salon soul will forever be remembered for its deadly attack on the nation’s speaker systems,” Sims went on. “Fortunately, ‘Glitter’ ultimately brought Americans together in its sheer atrocity. We became stronger, more united, and cognizant that our ears could be the victims of a subpar remix of ‘Last Night A DJ Saved My Life’ at any time.”
As a nation, Sims stated we must never forget the day we stood in disbelief as Carey tried to hit and hold the High C.
INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.
“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.
The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.
Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”
“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.
Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.
When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.
In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..