Nation Condemns Trump Executive Order Separating Raisins From Trail Mix

WASHINGTON D.C. – Responding to criticism over his travel ban separating families at the border, President Trump doubled down on a new bill this Tuesday that would separate raisins from almonds, pistachios, and the rest of their trail mix families.

Recently appointed Attorney General, Matthew Whitaker, claimed the decision is part of their new “zero-fiber” policy, stating, “our goal is to properly organize every food item that is brought to us.”

Because every food item that enters a grocery store is subject to inspection and dried fruits are not allowed to be held in the nut aisle, they are forcibly taken from their pistachios and almonds and relocated to a different aisle altogether.

An FDA spokesman revealed that 2.5 million raisins have been separated from 2.8 million other ingredients between October 29th and November 15th. Raisin Advocacy Groups, however, claim that at least 1 million more have been separated since then.

Reporters who have toured grocery stores describe the raisins’ new packing conditions as airtight, uncomfortable, and much different from their former semi-inflated mini trail mix package.

Critics have called this “immoral and cruel”, stating, “there is no system in place to reunite each raisin with its original packaging. There’s even a chance a bag of nuts could be recalled while its raisins are left behind.”

Former first lady and healthy family advocate, Michelle Obama, responded, “separating raisins from trail mix contradicts everything we stand for in a midday snack. In fact, highly stressful experiences, like fruit-nut separation, can have a detrimental impact on one’s grocery list.”

The administration is currently facing pressure from lawmakers in both parties as well as vegans, nutritionists, hikers, and moms packing lunches.