Chipotle To Give More Authentic Mexican Experience By Placing Customers In Cages

lunch_at_chipotle

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Saying it will give customers a truly authentic Mexican experience, Chipotle announced Monday it will begin forcibly placing customers in cages when eating at any of their 2,000 locations.

“Choose from our selection of mouth-watering meats, compliment it with an ice-cold beverage, and say what might be the final goodbye to your loved ones,” Chipotle spokesperson Frederic Sims raved, adding that customers will then be pepper sprayed, placed in a full nelson, and dragged to an authentic, muy frío holding cell by a Chipotle team member.

“Take in the aroma of true to source pigeon feces and party Chipotle-style when you experience genuine Mexican atmosphere complete with quality chain-linked fences impeccably topped with a dash of razor wire,” Sims said. “Absorb distinctive Central American ambiance while falling asleep on locally sourced gravel and then shiver through the night under one of our thinly sliced mylar blankets free with the purchase of any entrée.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Sims also told reporters that when ordering a Kid’s Meal, only children under the age of 12 are eligible to be separated and transferred to a longer-term Chipotle holding center for an unparalleled Adelanto I.C.E. experience of being reunited with the wrong family.

“Use the app to score points and earn rewards every time you attempt an escape or beg for water,” Sims said. “Then cash in those points for some dope Chipotle swag like a catering event where we’ll show up and tear gas the whole party.”

In closing, Sims explained that customers taking their orders to-go will be chased out at full-speed by a screaming Chipotle employee firing warning shots.

Hurry and find a Chipotle near you!

Related: Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

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Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Border car

MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

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Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.