Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

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Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

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MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

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Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.