Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

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Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute

genie-aladdin-feature

LOS ANGELES – Following the first look of the Aladdin remake, Will Smith has chosen to step down from his role as Jafar after he was accused of using blueface.

In the preview, Smith can be seen as part of a C.G.I. rendering of the mystical blue Jafar, which many have regarded as intolerant towards minority genie groups.

A spokesperson for Disney said, “Mr. Smith has chosen to give up his role in order to be respectful and sensitive to the genie community.”

To make ammends, Disney’s next step will reportedly involve reopening auditions to fill the role with a mythical being that is “culturally appropriate.”

Smith released a statement, apologizing for the controversy: “My portrayal of Jafar was meant to honor a famous children’s cartoon. I was saddened when it was brought to my attention that it was being compared to painful images reminiscent of blueface. It was not my intention to poke fun at the tragedies genies have endured throughout history being trapped in lamps.”

The situation has sparked a backlash against other Disney live-action remakes using blueface, most notably, Danny Devito’s portrayal of Stitch in Lilo & Stitch.