Tag: Hollywood

Warner Bros. CEO Resigns After Being Found Guilty Of Sleeping With A 6

Christian Lupica

HOLLYWOOD—Scandal rocked Hollywood this week as a series of leaked text messages revealed Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara had an intimate relationship with actress and well-known 6 Charlotte Kirk.

Tsujihara has reportedly stepped down amid an investigation into the improper relationship between himself and Kirk, who sources confirmed is a 6—maybe a 7 on a good day.

Since the scandal broke, Tsujihara has received harsh criticism. “Really? Her?” said one critic struggling to grapple with the fact that the CEO would ruin his personal life and career for someone who’s not ugly, but also not attractive either.

Related: Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

Tsujihara—who analysts gauge is barely a 5 lookswise, but whose wealth and power bring him up to a respectable 8—has released a statement, apologizing: “I am deeply sorry for the embarrassment I have caused my wife and children by sneaking around with a total 6. While she was super down to earth, I deeply regret not abusing my power for at least a 7.”

Tsujihara’s wife, Sandy—a solid 7—expressed disappointment in her husband’s inexcusable behavior of lowering his standards for someone who seems nice but isn’t much to look at.

Related: USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

On the other hand, Kirk has received support from 6’s across the country, declaring it a win for average looking people and calling it “a step in the right direction” towards an inclusive environment where everyone is given a fair shot at soliciting sex regardless of whether they are a barely fuckable 5 or a drop dead 10.

A wave of relief swept the industry when sources confirmed the relationship was, in fact, consensual.

Related: Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute

Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

Christian Lupica

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

Related: ‘Bandersnatch’ Creators To Partner With Pornhub In Next Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Film

Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

Related: Bose Unveils New ‘Wife-Canceling’ Headphones

Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute

Christian Lupica

genie-aladdin-feature

LOS ANGELES – Following the first look of the Aladdin remake, Will Smith has chosen to step down from his role as Jafar after he was accused of using blueface.

In the preview, Smith can be seen as part of a C.G.I. rendering of the mystical blue Jafar, which many have regarded as intolerant towards minority genie groups.

A spokesperson for Disney said, “Mr. Smith has chosen to give up his role in order to be respectful and sensitive to the genie community.”

To make ammends, Disney’s next step will reportedly involve reopening auditions to fill the role with a mythical being that is “culturally appropriate.”

Smith released a statement, apologizing for the controversy: “My portrayal of Jafar was meant to honor a famous children’s cartoon. I was saddened when it was brought to my attention that it was being compared to painful images reminiscent of blueface. It was not my intention to poke fun at the tragedies genies have endured throughout history being trapped in lamps.”

The situation has sparked a backlash against other Disney live-action remakes using blueface, most notably, Danny Devito’s portrayal of Stitch in Lilo & Stitch.