Bran staring intently at the last staircase in Westeros
WESTEROS—Exercising the power of the Iron Throne, recently crowned King Bran Stark issued an executive decree Monday to install wheelchair accessible ramps in all Seven Kingdoms.
“In effect immediately, my first act as ruler and Protector of the Realm shall be to provide handicapped accommodations for every Westerosian suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncommon, severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis!” Stark echoed from his balcony to a sea of cheering citizens afflicted with lower back pain.
The new decree—Title 19, Section 51322(g)—will reportedly require all government buildings and commercial property owners to have ramps constructed with 4 inch thick Ironwood platforms and Valyrian steel handrails. Certain public transportation services, such as Golden Company Elephants and King’s Landing Dragons, will also be required to have Vertical Wheelchair Lifts (VWL) and bi-fold ramps to ensure handicapped humans, White Walkers, and Children of the Forest can comfortably board their mythical being.
“Today is a victory for any disabled Westerosian who’s ever been prevented from making a deposit at the Iron Bank of Braavos or attending a knighting ceremony on the second floor,” the King of the Andals and the First Men bellowed. “Let us bid farewell to our greatest enemy. May every step perish in the Seven Hells.”
Later, after a servant transferred the mighty ruler from wheelchair to throne, King Stark reportedly began drafting a second decree to escalate punishment for citizens found guilty of riding under the influence.
The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!
The Bachelorette | ABC
The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.
The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.
Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.
Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?
Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.
Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?
NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.
What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.
Big Little Lies | HBO
Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.
The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.
Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.
The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.
What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.
Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2nd on 60 Minutes.
The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.
Pennyworth | Epix
Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.
Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.
The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.
Watchmen | HBO
Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.
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