Target Recruiters Eyeing Young Prodigy At Self-Checkout


ALISO VIEJO, CA—Saying that he has what it takes to one day be the next great cashier, Target recruiters reportedly have their eyes on a once-in-a-generation talent to join their employee roster.

“Just look at the way he instinctively knows to put bulkier items in the bag first. That’s something that just can’t be taught,” said Talent Acquisition Specialist Frederic Sims, marveling at the 24-year-old as he scanned a bottle of Califia milk without looking.

Noting other employees already taking notice of the wunderkind, Sims added the prodigy seemed to possess similar leadership skills that could fill the hole left by [11-year veteran and former team captain] Debra Sutton, made famous for her expertise with the faulty chip reader on aisle 7.

After reviewing security camera footage, Sims claimed he came across the phenom helping another customer in the home décor section. “Not only does he have the physical prowess, but it appears he also has a strong knowledge of seasonal & online promotional deals. I haven’t seen someone with this complete package since Mikaile Jordan in ’96.”

“Everything from his ability to spot price checks to his God-given, chunky 5’4 build just screams southwest region Employee of the Month,” Sims went on, immediately calling his contacts at Sketchers to potentially sweeten the offer with an attached shoe deal.

“If we cut some Guest Services staff, we could have the cap space to pick up that bagger with a 9.7 second aisle check time from Trader Joes. All he needs is the right team around him, and we could be looking at a National Grocers Association championship.”

Sources later confirmed after disclosing a 5-year, $15.25 an hour contract with a no-trade clause agreement, the inevitable star claimed he had already signed with Walgreens.

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What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

The porn site BangBros has bid $10 million on the naming rights for the Miami Dolphins stadium. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • To be named Stadium of the Dolphins, or “STD” for short
  • BangBros to build a live exhibit where fans can ride a Dolphin
  • Must be 18 or over to enter
  • First became interested after seeing QB Josh Rosen receive no protection
  • Games will be broadcast under “Amateur” category
  • Fans will still enter each game with excitement and leave with shame
  • Halftime shows to be performed by famed artists Johnny Sins and Nikki Benz with surprise appearances by Tommy Gun, Ron Jeremy, and Danny Mountain
  • BangBros announced plans to have “Couples Night” throughout the season where fans are encouraged to bring their significant others, or as Floridians call them: mom