What You Need To Know: Facebook & Islamic Extremist Groups

Facebook has been the center of criticism after inadvertently providing Islamic extremist groups with a networking and recruitment tool. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • Answers the question, “who even uses Facebook anymore?”
  • Marks the largest extremist group given a platform by Facebook since the “Moms For Trump” page
  • Ruins having meaningful, face-to-face conversations about the ultimate sacrifice like we used to
  • Glad to see grandma found a new hobby
  • Bi-weekly meet & greets at the Holiday Inn in Roseville. Snacks and beverages provided
  • Worse, LinkedIn just listed the position “Part-Time Suicide Bomber”
    1. Position is “temporary”
    2. Ideal candidates will be self-starters
    3. Must have at least 4 years of experience in a related field
  • Still better than vacation photos
  • Apparently, what drew them in was Facebook’s terms and conditions mirror Sharia Law
  • Boastful nature of Facebook might set false standard of deriving self-worth from how many hospitals you’ve blown up
  • Finally, a place where Islamic Extremists and White Supremacists can all get along
  • Sadly, unaware they could reach more people on Instagram
  • So when Facebook does it, they’re “criticized”, but when I do it, I “have the right to remain silent?”

Read: What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

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U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.

“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.

Related: Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.

“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.

Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

In closing, Sims clarified that users discovered to be using hashtags will be deemed enemies of the state and immediately deported.

ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

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SYRIA—The longstanding skirmish between ISIS and American soldiers has come to a halt this week following the release of two new singles by Tame Impala.

U.S. Intelligence officials report ISIS has abandoned the battlefield and satellite drones have since picked up the hi-fi, unmistakable frequency of “Patience” and “Borderline” blaring from inside an ISIS bunker at exceedingly large decibels.

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Sources overseas state this unexpected turn of events has forced the U.S. to withdraw troops temporarily in order to get down with Impala’s psychedelic new beats after years of looping InnerSpeaker and Lonerism nonstop.

Abbaad al-Waheed—an undercover U.S. operative who infiltrated the bunker—confirmed the extremists have abandoned plans to carry out attacks in the near future due to being completely mesmerized with “Borderline’s” cosmic synthwaves.

“Based on these singles, we have gauged the new album to be absolutely lit and possibly even straight fire,” said Pentagon official Frederic Sims, adding that while the record will likely be an entrancing mid-tempo chugger of 70’s disco and 90’s house packed with sublime piano jabs and catatonic vocals, there is potential for a few bangers as well.

In addition, the United Nations announced it would assist in establishing lasting peace by hosting a listening party when the full album drops, however, ISIS has yet to respond to the Facebook invite.

In other news, an unidentified flying object was spotted over the Baltic Sea this morning playing what locals identified as “Mind Mischief.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border