LOS ANGELES, CA—Calling the teeming crowd of 1st graders a “violent display of civil disobedience”, LAPD officers clad in full riot gear reportedly surrounded a jungle gym in East Los Angeles early Friday morning, sources confirmed.
“At approximately 9:00 hours, we received word of a crowd of anarchist 5 to 7-year-olds screaming and throwing wood chips near the big slide and monkey bars,” said Police Chief Frederic Sims, noting that upon arrival, the enraged crowd of “thugs” had already begun climbing atop public property.
“Despite officers’ orders to disperse, the mob stood their ground in the spider web and demanded five more minutes. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to proceed with necessary force,” Sims went on, detailing the group who wore shirts emblazoned with a likely gang insignia reading “YMCA.”
Added Sims: “Thankfully, we were able to contain the violence before a suspicious group wielding orange rubber balls near the basketball court was able to join in.”
Sims later advocated calling in the National Guard after a protester hit an officer while yelling, “tag!”
Update: Law enforcement has received word and is currently investigating reports of a “questionable” infant loitering inside the nearby Oscar De La Hoya Labor and Delivery Center.