Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

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Coach K at the Duke Blue Devil’s annual Thanksgiving potluck with the theatre department.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Explaining his team’s loss to Michigan State on Sunday, coach of the Duke Blue Devils, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K), told reporters his storied legacy was exclusively the result of team bonding exercises.

“That’s an area we came up short this year,” he said. “Looking back, I should’ve wasted less time drilling my team on full-court press and the 3 man weave and instead focused on chemistry building activities like making vision boards and doing trust falls. That’s what wins championships.”

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When asked questions linking the team’s past success to acquisition of top tier high school talent, Coach K dismissed the notion as a small factor when compared to his exhaustive regimen of egg drops, scavenger hunts, and water balloon fights.

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Coach K and Associate Head Coach, Jon Scheyer, handing out water balloons to players.

Although a strict training schedule and two-a-day practices played a menial role, Krzyzewski clarified the reason for dominating their bracket in 2015 was a camping retreat that placed an emphasis on spooky campfire stories and making dream catchers as a unit.

Krzyzewski did shed light on star player Zion Williamson—a 6’7, 284 pound monster in the paint and threat from beyond the arc—who gained the support from teammates to maintain his 22.5 PPG and 68.4% field goal percentage during a mandatory Color Me Mine player bonding exercise.

Coach K also highlighted an example in the 2012 Summer Olympics where he blindfolded team captain LeBron James for a game of Marco Polo moments before winning the gold medal. “That’s not just a coincidence,” he said.

In addition, he stressed the importance of icebreakers before each practice, pointing out that ‘two truths and a lie’ in particular was vital to the squad’s late game comebacks.

Krzyzewski had to cut the interview short, however, when an assistant rushed on stage to tell him his players were holding hands in the locker room, waiting to play their ceremonial post-game round of Red Rover.

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