Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

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Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

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SAN FRANCISCO – In response to a number of complaints from bigots across its platform, Twitter has decided to change its policy on approved forms of discrimination.

Frederic Sims, a concerned white supremacist from Orange County, felt his first amendment rights were being violated by not being able to freely use derogatory terms without penalty. “How else am I supposed to respond when I encounter an opinion different from my own?” he asked.

“After hearing each and every complaint, we have decided to restructure our policy to allow a more welcoming environment for all chauvinists, anti-Semites, white supremacists, and Red Sox fans to freely express their narrow-minded beliefs,” CEO Jack Dorsey said on Tuesday.

The announcement was met with praise from bigots across Twitter, who momentarily crashed the website with a cavalcade of hate-filled tweets targeting former President Barack Obama.

Dorsey went on to say he is confident this is the right step backward in creating an open, hostile dialogue between all genders, races, and religions.

President Donald Trump said he plans to take full advantage of this “very, very good news” during his executive time Friday afternoon.

Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

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MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

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Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.

Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

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VIRGINIA – In a rare move crossing party lines, Vice-President Mike Pence gave an unprompted endorsement of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam who is being asked to resign after racist photos from his past emerged.

“While our politics differ, Governor Northam and I agree on what matters most,” Pence began. “To represent and faithfully instill pure Americanism.”

Pence went on to say, “These photos from his past do nothing but highlight his commitment to the beliefs of our forefathers and embolden his resilience in upholding the subtext of our Constitution.”

Pence’s speech, which was supposed to last fifteen minutes, extended well over an hour, praising Northam’s storied resumé of textbook bigotry.

“Governor Northam has his priorities exactly where they should be,” Pence raved. “In the eighteenth century.”

“If Governor Northam heeds my advice and does not resign, I believe, with time, Virginia voters will see Northam not just for the simple racist he is on the outside, but also the devoted champion of bigotry he is on the inside,” he concluded.

Current polls show that Northam is thriving with voters who describe themselves as closet racists and dominated among those who are 100 years or older.

Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

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Image Attribution: Voice of America [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation, a source close to the White House reports that President Trump is going to focus his State Of The Union Speech tonight on the successful execution of sixth grade level English.

“The President has worked nonstop these past few weeks,” the source said. “Mr. Trump has taken painstaking efforts to learn the relationship between a subject and predicate.”

The source went on to say that Trump was granted security clearance to stay up past his strict 9:00 PM bedtime to practice flash cards with his speechwriter, 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Selinsky.

“In just four weeks, Donny has gone from using elementary words like big and huge to incorporating multi-syllabic terms that would rival that of a high school student,” Selinsky bragged.

A leaked copy of the speech reveals his agenda to incorporate advanced words such as “citizen” and “viewpoint,” though Selinsky refused to comment when asked if Trump would require help sounding words out at the podium.

Critics on the other side of the aisle are doubtful that Trump will follow through, calling it “more unlikely than the wall.”

The source went on to say that, despite frequent repetition, Trump still requires more practice before using the term “democracy.”

Op-Ed | I Am Part Of The Resistance Inside The Claus Administration

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The Lupica Factor is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior elf official in the Claus administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers in the spirit of Christmas.


Santa Claus faces a challenge unlike any other mythical being in history.

It’s not just that the elf union grows stronger. Or that the toy factory is bitterly divided over Claus’s leadership. Or even that he might soon lose his corporation due to global warming.

The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that many of the senior elves in his own administration are working around the clock to sabotage toy production and stage a coup d’état.

The root of the problem is his amorality. Any elf that works with Claus knows that his decision-making is no longer guided by Christmas joy or holiday spirit.

In his old age, Santa has grown bitter, resulting in a one-sided distribution of Naughty Or Nice delegations. This unprecedented amount of Naughty children has forced many elves to contract black lung working overtime in the Candy Cane Coalmines.

Moreover, the standard elf wage has been cut. Having always been paid at a standard 12 sugar cookies per hour, you can imagine our anguish with it being slashed to a mere 6 gumdrops. Many of us are left wondering how we will feed our families.

This despicable behavior towards his workers is compounded by his impropriety towards some of the female elves. I have heard rumors of Claus grabbing them by their sugar plums and whispering, “you better not pout, you better not cry, you better suck my candy cane or you’re gonna’ die.”

Mrs. Claus seems complicit in his actions; although some argue she is buying herself time to escape.

Due to this, some elves have made an attempt to assassinate Claus, but have failed miserably. To make an example of the dissenters, Claus has held three public executions in which all elves were forced to attend.

Because of these conditions, senior elf officials, such as myself, have been working in secret to overthrow Claus’s fascist regime.

Our plan for now is to capitalize on his gluttony and poison the jolly bastard with ricin-infused milk and cookies.

Will Christmas be ruined this season? Yes. But between now and next season, we will do away with stale tradition and replace Old Saint Nick with a multiethnic, pansexual Santa—something the North Pole yearns to see.

One Week Remains Until Flying Migrant Caravan Reaches U.S.

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NORTH POLE – As the flying migrant caravan closes in on the United States, President Donald Trump is calling for “a complete and total shutdown of Christmas.”

 Last Christmas, Trump wrote a harshly worded letter to the North Pole after he found his stocking filled to the brim with coal.

 Today he tweeted, “Claus is NOT welcome in country. He brings gifts, but for some only coal. Unfair!”

 White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended his outburst. “Mr. Trump deserved every gift he asked for. He was a very good boy.”

Amidst all this, Trump is still working to dispel allegations that he colluded with Russia to hack the 2017 Naughty Or Nice list.

But this year it appears that Trump is trying a more direct approach by giving troops permission to fire at any sleigh approaching the border.

In the meantime, he has ordered top CIA officials to work around the clock, monitoring the NORAD Santa Tracker.

Fortunately, Trump has confirmed he will lift the ban if Claus agrees to the demands on his wish list.