Tag: Democrat

Bloomberg Launches New Telepathic Ad Campaign To Air Perpetually In Human Consciousness

Christian Lupica

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UNITED STATES—In line with ramped up advertisements across print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg launched a series of new ads that will reportedly take place deep in the psyche of every waking United States citizen.

“By using the latest in brain-to-brain interfacing technology, we have developed a way to reach voters directly in their occipital lobe,” said campaign strategist Frederic Sims, noting that Americans will begin visualizing brief, 5-second “Mike Will Get It Done” advertisements at the beginning and end of each individual thought their mind conceives.

“Whether it’s something as menial as remembering to turn the stove off or articulating your final words to a loved one on their death bed, every last American will know that Mike has what it takes each time a neuron fires.”

Added Sims: “Americans will also experience longer, 30-second ads while asleep in between REM cycles.”

At press time, thousands of Americans admitted they had unwillingly climaxed to the image of Bloomberg shaking hands with an industrial worker.

Read more: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Read more: U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

Pence Gives Ringing Endorsement Of Virginia Governor Embroiled In Blackface Controversy

Christian Lupica

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VIRGINIA – In a rare move crossing party lines, Vice-President Mike Pence gave an unprompted endorsement of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam who is being asked to resign after racist photos from his past emerged.

“While our politics differ, Governor Northam and I agree on what matters most,” Pence began. “To represent and faithfully instill pure Americanism.”

Pence went on to say, “These photos from his past do nothing but highlight his commitment to the beliefs of our forefathers and embolden his resilience in upholding the subtext of our Constitution.”

Pence’s speech, which was supposed to last fifteen minutes, extended well over an hour, praising Northam’s storied resumé of textbook bigotry.

“Governor Northam has his priorities exactly where they should be,” Pence raved. “In the eighteenth century.”

“If Governor Northam heeds my advice and does not resign, I believe, with time, Virginia voters will see Northam not just for the simple racist he is on the outside, but also the devoted champion of bigotry he is on the inside,” he concluded.

Current polls show that Northam is thriving with voters who describe themselves as closet racists and dominated among those who are 100 years or older.

Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

Christian Lupica

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Image Attribution: Voice of America [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation, a source close to the White House reports that President Trump is going to focus his State Of The Union Speech tonight on the successful execution of sixth grade level English.

“The President has worked nonstop these past few weeks,” the source said. “Mr. Trump has taken painstaking efforts to learn the relationship between a subject and predicate.”

The source went on to say that Trump was granted security clearance to stay up past his strict 9:00 PM bedtime to practice flash cards with his speechwriter, 6th grade English teacher Mrs. Selinsky.

“In just four weeks, Donny has gone from using elementary words like big and huge to incorporating multi-syllabic terms that would rival that of a high school student,” Selinsky bragged.

A leaked copy of the speech reveals his agenda to incorporate advanced words such as “citizen” and “viewpoint,” though Selinsky refused to comment when asked if Trump would require help sounding words out at the podium.

Critics on the other side of the aisle are doubtful that Trump will follow through, calling it “more unlikely than the wall.”

The source went on to say that, despite frequent repetition, Trump still requires more practice before using the term “democracy.”