Parents Take Up Home-Bullying Amid Coronavirus School Closures


UNITED STATES—As students across the country remain home due to school closures, many parents are incorporating bullying into each day to ensure their children receive the same torment they would in a classroom.

“Not only do I have to manage working from home, but I also have to make sure my kids get a daily regimen of harassment they would normally get from Kevin the 5th grader,” said mother Claire Sims, noting that she has blocked off two hours each afternoon for activities like sticking gum in her daughter’s hair and dumping a small chocolate milk carton on her 5-year-old son.

Across the United States, more than 118,000 public and private schools in 45 states have closed, preventing 53 million bullies from performing day-to-day tasks and forcing parents to fill in.

Sims described her well-rounded schedule that starts with pantsing her son, followed by a 10-minute break to comment “horse face” on her daughter’s Instagram posts, and then spreading rumors to her husband before lunch where her kids eat alone in the bathroom.

“It’s times like these that really make me appreciate bullies and realize how difficult their job is, especially for such a low amount of lunch money,” Sims went on, calling out the travesty that bullies often have to pay for their own supplies to properly terrorize students.

Sims has even created a Facebook group for parents to share bullying tools, ideas, and materials called “Bully Everywhere.” Parents in the group are sharing everything from tips for administering wet-willies to leaving permanent mental scars kids will carry through adulthood.

Sims later said she has begun to enjoy the new dynamic and is even thinking of continuing home-bullying after the pandemic ends.

Update: Parents Claire and Frederic Sims have been found dead in the nation’s latest homeschool shooting.

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CDC Recommends Stocking Up On Pitchforks, Torches


ATLANTA, GA—In response to rising paranoia prompted by the Coronavirus, the Center for Disease Control advised Monday that everyone should compile as many pitchforks and torches as possible.

“There’s been a lot of misinformation spread about COVID-19 and, while there is still much unknown, one basic step we can all take to reduce transmission is making sure to have a pitchfork and torch on hand in the event we find an accursed,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, encouraging all to get down to their local haberdashery while supplies last.

“Sure, it might be a little inconvenient to throw stones every time they come near town square, but small steps like boarding up your windows and being indoors by sundown are necessary to prevent contracting this highly contagious disease,” Redfield went on, adding that it doesn’t hurt to be proactive and organize an angry mob with local villagers outside the afflicted’s home.

“If you do happen to know someone who has flu-like symptoms, it would be wise to keep your distance by casting them out into the woods,” Redfield said, noting that small preventative measures like screaming “Witch! Witch!” anytime they attempt to reintegrate with society can help lower the risk of transmission ten fold.

Redfield reminded the most effective treatment for a fever and shortness of breath is being burned at the stake.

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