Sinaloa Cartel Frantically Prepares For Spring Break Abductions

CULIACÁN, MEXICO—Describing this as the craziest time of year, members of the Sinaloa Cartel said the criminal organization is racing to prepare for the massive rush of college students over spring break.

“For the rest of March, we’re going to get absolutely buried with clueless 18 to 22 year olds,” said cartel manager José Garcia, who was assigned with training new recruits on standard abduction procedures for drunken freshmen separated from their friends outside El Squid Roe.

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

Early reports show the usual number of windowless vans is down 10% from last spring break, which Garcia believes will diminish the gang’s ability to abduct as many naive millenials as possible, ultimately decreasing their bottom line.

“I’m stressed out just thinking about it,” Garcia said. “There’s new ransom policies, intimidation scripts, police collusion procedures, and a mandatory fucking human resources presentation from corporate.”

Garcia also said that to create an inclusive environment fitting for young abductees, the gang has issued new gender-neutral body bags, which he fears will complicate sorting bodies down the line.

Despite the hectic scene at the Culiacán stronghold, Garcia made sure to alert his gang members to fill out their timesheets before the March pay query ends.

Later in the day, Garcia reportedly had a nervous breakdown when he found out a gang member who was supposed to work the night shift called in shot.

Related: 3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

Advertisements

USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a college bribery scandal, the University of Southern California defended the representation of its students with celebrity parents as part of a goal to promote diversity on campus.

“At USC, we strive to maintain a diverse student body,” spokesman Frederic Sims said. “While we are proud to attract the sharpest minds and finest athletes, it is also imperative we provide opportunities to the minority of snobby, rich celebrity children.”

Related: Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire

In recent years, data shows USC has made an honest effort to represent more students of wealthy, famous backgrounds, but the number of college students across the country with familial ties to an A-list celebrity remains staggeringly low.

“When you look at campuses across the country, 99% of students you see are commonplace nobodies,” Sims went on. “Which is why we pride ourselves in representing the 1%.”

Sims ended by challenging any self-proclaimed inclusive university to acknowledge how some students are born with systemic challenges that prevent them from devoting time to academics. “Just imagine how difficult it is to work hard when you don’t have to,” Sims concluded.

Related: Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute