Op-Ed | I Am Part Of The Resistance Inside The Claus Administration

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The Lupica Factor is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior elf official in the Claus administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers in the spirit of Christmas.


Santa Claus faces a challenge unlike any other mythical being in history.

It’s not just that the elf union grows stronger. Or that the toy factory is bitterly divided over Claus’s leadership. Or even that he might soon lose his corporation due to global warming.

The dilemma – which he does not fully grasp – is that many of the senior elves in his own administration are working around the clock to sabotage toy production and stage a coup d’état.

The root of the problem is his amorality. Any elf that works with Claus knows that his decision-making is no longer guided by Christmas joy or holiday spirit.

In his old age, Santa has grown bitter, resulting in a one-sided distribution of Naughty Or Nice delegations. This unprecedented amount of Naughty children has forced many elves to contract black lung working overtime in the Candy Cane Coalmines.

Moreover, the standard elf wage has been cut. Having always been paid at a standard 12 sugar cookies per hour, you can imagine our anguish with it being slashed to a mere 6 gumdrops. Many of us are left wondering how we will feed our families.

This despicable behavior towards his workers is compounded by his impropriety towards some of the female elves. I have heard rumors of Claus grabbing them by their sugar plums and whispering, “you better not pout, you better not cry, you better suck my candy cane or you’re gonna’ die.”

Mrs. Claus seems complicit in his actions; although some argue she is buying herself time to escape.

Due to this, some elves have made an attempt to assassinate Claus, but have failed miserably. To make an example of the dissenters, Claus has held three public executions in which all elves were forced to attend.

Because of these conditions, senior elf officials, such as myself, have been working in secret to overthrow Claus’s fascist regime.

Our plan for now is to capitalize on his gluttony and poison the jolly bastard with ricin-infused milk and cookies.

Will Christmas be ruined this season? Yes. But between now and next season, we will do away with stale tradition and replace Old Saint Nick with a multiethnic, pansexual Santa—something the North Pole yearns to see.

Jesus Offering ‘Birthday Salvation Sale’ For Three Easy Payments Of $19.95

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As His voice echoed across earth’s landscape, Jesus Christ reportedly offered the entire populace mail order salvation for one unbeatable holiday price.

“O come, all ye faithful,” the son of God said. “Yield your soul to I, Jesus Christ, your lord and savior, for only three easy payments of $19.95!”

“In the beginning, God said, ‘let there be light.’ And then He said, ‘let it be delivered to your doorstep with no extra charge for shipping and handling!’”

“A new command I give you: buy 1 blessing, get 1 free! Save yourself and a friend from an eternity of damnation with one killer deal! Every gift from God must go!”

“Don’t get caught waiting in long lines on judgment day! Capitalize on my birthday deal and never worry about deliverance from your misdeeds again!”

“But wait, there’s more!”

“As a bonus, I’ll throw in an instructional DVD with step-by-step directions to create your very own miracles! A $20 value FREE with your paid order!”

“I sacrificed myself for your sins and now I’m sacrificing this $250 value for only three monthly installments of $19.95!”

“I may not rise again, but these prices will!”

“I’m practically turning water into savings! What are you waiting for?! Dial (777) 777-7777!”

*Order now while supplies last. 

One Week Remains Until Flying Migrant Caravan Reaches U.S.

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NORTH POLE – As the flying migrant caravan closes in on the United States, President Donald Trump is calling for “a complete and total shutdown of Christmas.”

 Last Christmas, Trump wrote a harshly worded letter to the North Pole after he found his stocking filled to the brim with coal.

 Today he tweeted, “Claus is NOT welcome in country. He brings gifts, but for some only coal. Unfair!”

 White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended his outburst. “Mr. Trump deserved every gift he asked for. He was a very good boy.”

Amidst all this, Trump is still working to dispel allegations that he colluded with Russia to hack the 2017 Naughty Or Nice list.

But this year it appears that Trump is trying a more direct approach by giving troops permission to fire at any sleigh approaching the border.

In the meantime, he has ordered top CIA officials to work around the clock, monitoring the NORAD Santa Tracker.

Fortunately, Trump has confirmed he will lift the ban if Claus agrees to the demands on his wish list.

North Korea Presents: Pyongyang Christmas Nuke Lighting

The Lupica Factor has obtained a copy of a holiday flyer currently circulating in North Korea. The contents can be seen below. Viewer discretion is advised.

Air Koryo logo: By Source, Fair use, Link Noko jeans logo: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Noko_Jeans.png Snow background: Designed by Freepik

Ceremony Schedule

16:00-17:00 Military Demonstration

17:00-19:00 Waiting In Silence

19:00-20:00 Jong-Claus arrives to light the missile

Pyongyang is a city filled with holiday spirit. Each year for over 40 years our nation has attempted to launch the holiday season with a warhead. For the first time ever, come see our supreme leader dressed as Santa light the missile!

Ring in the holidays when Jong-Claus arrives on a transporter-erector-launcher (TEL) carrying the Hwasong-16 ballistic missile. Forced labor crafting, food and dessert rations, and executions of Americans who crossed our border provide an evening of fun for the whole family. Snacks and goodies available upon swearing allegiance to our eternal leader.