City Council Approves Funding To Build New Public Sex Park

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Build site for Harris P. Vanderley (HPV) Park

CHESTERTON, IL—When most people think about sex parks, they think of a place where risky folks like to hang out and cause trouble. But for the Chesterton community, that sentiment couldn’t be further from the truth.

“We believe this addition will not only end complaints from residents and commercial property owners but also free law enforcement from shooing away solicitors by providing a safe environment for exhibitionists to ride in peace,” said city councilman Frederic Sims.

“If a city doesn’t have a sex park, it is a sex park,” he added.

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One of many signs around Chesterton that will no longer be needed

The park will reportedly feature steel grind rails, ramps for lumbar support, dimly lit alleyways, and a full-time roaming security guard to add suspense. Additionally, while park users are required to wear protection at all times, kneepads are strongly encouraged.

According to locals, the park is a welcome addition that has been teased for far too long.

“What a relief,” said local Alex McClure. “I was getting tired of being asked to leave the Pick Up Stix parking lot.”

“Agreed,” added Pick Up Stix line cook Dante Mitchell.

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However, some take issue with the government leveraging them into a position they’re uncomfortable with.

“It shouldn’t be a government’s place to tell me where I can and can’t enjoy my passion,” said AT&T service associate Zach Simmons. “Plus, sex parks like that always get super crowded. I’d rather just stick to my usual spot at the Wells Fargo staircase.”

Sims emphasized the park will be suitable for everyone no matter his or her skill level. In addition, on Tuesday nights instructors will offer classes for newcomers looking to get into the sex scene.

“Naturally, if you don’t plan on going solo, each person is allowed one guest. However, a small fee will be charged for those who wish to bring two or more,” Sims said, clarifying that family members do not count as guests.

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“And for those who just like to watch, be on the lookout for monthly events where you can see local amateurs and well-known pros pull off some crazy tricks,” Sims said, teasing a guest appearance of someone who competed in the 2018 XXX Games.

Sims concluded by verifying construction will begin in January and the department will announce when they are close to finishing.

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