Seismologists Predict Next Earthquake Will Be Somewhere At Sometime

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PASADENA, CA—Asserting that their research has reached a firm conclusion, seismologists at the Caltech Seismology Laboratory determined the next big or small earthquake would be in a place and at a time.

“After analyzing the shifting plate tectonics of the recent 6.4 and 7.1 magnitude earthquakes, the data we have gathered definitively proves that the next earthquake will be of a magnitude greater than zero,” said lead research engineer Frederic Sims, noting that his team would have a more accurate prediction a day or two after it happens.

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“Although our current time projection spans roughly from now to later, we have pinpointed the aftershock to occur exactly during the day or at night. This we know for certain,” he said.

Sims was careful to point out that by studying past locations where earthquakes have struck, there is a reasonable chance the next earthquake will occur “somewhere on earth.”

“Of course this is all just speculation,” he clarified.

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Cautioning the public to be ready when it hits, Sims did offer the greatest indication of an earthquake to be shaking. “Lots and lots of shaking,” he said.

Sims’s laboratory was recently awarded a $5 million grant to continue studying impending earthquakes.

Incredibly Polite Riot Breaks Out In Toronto Following Raptors Win

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TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.

Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.

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“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.

Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.

More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”

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Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.

Coachella To Install Molly Water Refill Stations For Weekend Two

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Attendees who purchased a $5 bottle of molly water. Available at select event booths.

INDIO, CA—Stressing the importance of resupplying several times per day, Coachella announced Tuesday it will be installing molly water refill stations to ensure festivalgoers maintain a consistent high throughout the weekend.

“To better supply guests with the deepest love imaginable, we are pleased to announce the addition of six molly water refill stations just in time for weekend two,” Safety Programs Coordinator Frederic Sims said.

The move comes after a flurry of complaints from attendees who claim the lines to refill their ecstasy-infused beverages have grown too long, leading to absurd wait times and increased reports of guests suffering from the effects of sobriety.

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Sims went on to state that after weekend one, medical tents on-site counted only a meager 124 overdoses. “Frankly, this is frighteningly low and pales in comparison to recent years. Since then event organizers have taken measures to ensure attendees remain trippin’ balls in a constant state of euphoric bliss.”

“Especially in the blistering heat of Coachella Valley, it is imperative that guests resupply a minimum of 5 times per day or run the risk of losing a brain-melting high and—in the worst case—permanent vibe damage,” Sims said.

Claire Selinsky, a doctor on-duty near the Sahara tent, asked that attendees please be responsible and abuse the recommended 64 fluid ounces of molly water per day. “Failure to do so may result in a completely bogus time watching your friends bask in the brilliant rays of sheer exuberance without you. We cannot stress this enough,” she said.

When asked how psychedelics have been linked to seizures and cardiovascular disease, Selinsky insisted on the more severe risk of seeing Tame Impala stone cold sober.

In an emergency, Selinsky advised those with severe sobriety to drink molly water immediately and then proceed to wait.. wait until you’re there.. right there.. just where you want to be.. just where you always wanted to be.. but didn’t know until just now..

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3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

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ORANGE COUNTY – Police confirmed that 3 more Girl Scouts were placed in handcuffs this week following an ongoing turf war between two rival troops: the Daisies and Brownies.

“Reports indicate the crime was pre-meditated and carried out by members of the notorious 1st Grade Daisies on the 3rd Grade Brownies to claim territory over the Crown Valley Starbucks cookie tabling location,” Police Chief Frederic Sims said.

“At approximately 16:00 hours, while learning the value of a dollar and merits of teamwork, the Daisies cornered the Brownies, demanding a cut of their profit and badges. A vicious brawl immediately ensued, resulting in 4 boxes of Tagalongs damaged beyond repair.”

One mother supervising the junior entrepreneurs is reported to be in critical condition after being shot point blank by a spray of frozen Thin Mints.

The felons—Sally Marie, Olivia Grace, and Hannah Jane—were apprehended in the getaway vehicle, a 2012 Honda Odyssey, and are currently awaiting trial at Orange County Superior Court, where a jury will preside over their allowance on the winter ski trip.