Target Recruiters Eyeing Young Prodigy At Self-Checkout


ALISO VIEJO, CA—Saying that he has what it takes to one day be the next great cashier, Target recruiters reportedly have their eyes on a once-in-a-generation talent to join their employee roster.

“Just look at the way he instinctively knows to put bulkier items in the bag first. That’s something that just can’t be taught,” said Talent Acquisition Specialist Frederic Sims, marveling at the 24-year-old as he scanned a bottle of Califia milk without looking.

Noting other employees already taking notice of the wunderkind, Sims added the prodigy seemed to possess similar leadership skills that could fill the hole left by [11-year veteran and former team captain] Debra Sutton, made famous for her expertise with the faulty chip reader on aisle 7.

After reviewing security camera footage, Sims claimed he came across the phenom helping another customer in the home décor section. “Not only does he have the physical prowess, but it appears he also has a strong knowledge of seasonal & online promotional deals. I haven’t seen someone with this complete package since Mikaile Jordan in ’96.”

“Everything from his ability to spot price checks to his God-given, chunky 5’4 build just screams southwest region Employee of the Month,” Sims went on, immediately calling his contacts at Sketchers to potentially sweeten the offer with an attached shoe deal.

“If we cut some Guest Services staff, we could have the cap space to pick up that bagger with a 9.7 second aisle check time from Trader Joes. All he needs is the right team around him, and we could be looking at a National Grocers Association championship.”

Sources later confirmed after disclosing a 5-year, $15.25 an hour contract with a no-trade clause agreement, the inevitable star claimed he had already signed with Walgreens.

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Incredibly Polite Riot Breaks Out In Toronto Following Raptors Win


TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.

Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.

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“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.

Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.

More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”

Related: Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.

Warriors Now Selling Authentic, Blood-Stained Draymond Green Jerseys

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Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

Coach K at the Duke Blue Devil’s annual Thanksgiving potluck with the theatre department.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Explaining his team’s loss to Michigan State on Sunday, coach of the Duke Blue Devils, Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K), told reporters his storied legacy was exclusively the result of team bonding exercises.

“That’s an area we came up short this year,” he said. “Looking back, I should’ve wasted less time drilling my guys on full-court press and the 3 man weave and instead focused on chemistry building activities like making vision boards and doing trust falls. That’s what wins championships.”

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When asked questions linking the team’s past success to acquisition of top tier high school talent, Coach K dismissed the notion as a small factor when compared to his exhaustive problem-solving regimen of egg drops, scavenger hunts, and water balloon fights.

Coach K and Associate Head Coach, Jon Scheyer, handing out water balloons to players.

Although a strict training schedule and two-a-day practices played a menial role, Krzyzewski clarified the reason for dominating their bracket in 2015 was a camping retreat that placed an emphasis on active listening through spooky campfire stories and making dream catchers as a unit.

Krzyzewski did shed light on star player Zion Williamson—a 6’7, 284 pound monster in the paint and threat from beyond the arc—who was inspired with the creativity to maintain his 22.5 PPG and 68.4% field goal percentage during a mandatory Color Me Mine player bonding exercise.

In addition, he stressed the importance of icebreakers before each practice, pointing out that ‘two truths and a lie’ in particular gave the team’s introverts a chance to branch out and be more vocal when they’re open.

Coach K also highlighted an example in the 2012 Summer Olympics where he blindfolded team captain LeBron James for a game of Marco Polo a day before winning the gold medal. “That’s not just a coincidence,” he said.

Krzyzewski had to cut the interview short, however, when an assistant rushed on stage to tell him his players were holding hands in the locker room, waiting to play their ceremonial post-game round of Red Rover.

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