The Lupica Factor’s Summer Must See TV Watchlist

The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!

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The Bachelorette | ABC

The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.

The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.

Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.

Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?

Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.

Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?

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NOS4A2 (AMC): Pronounced “Nosferatu”, this supernatural thriller follows the blood-sucking vampire and lord of the night in the throes of puberty navigating drug use, sex, and identity.

What’s My Name: Muhammad Ali (HBO): A two-part documentary about the legendary boxer and the excessive head damage he suffered to make him forget his name.

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Big Little Lies | HBO

Big Little Lies (HBO): Meryl Streep joins the cast this season as a piece of beached driftwood in what critics are calling her most convincing role yet.

The Hot Zone (Nat Geo): A six-part dramatization of the first Ebola outbreak starring method actor Liam Cunningham who contracted the disease in preparation for his role.

Songland (NBC): A new reality series where emerging songwriters get the chance to write and produce music with chart-topping artists like The Doodlebops and The Cattanooga Cats.

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The Inbetween (NBC): Much like Medium, this supernatural drama follows a woman with the ability to communicate with the dead who somehow always happen to be busy.

What/If (Netflix): What would you risk to have it all? The series hinges on a single question and will hopefully be multiple choice.

Perpetual Grace: A pastor is preyed upon by a mischievous young man who doesn’t realize the pastor has a dark side of his own. Premiering June 2nd on 60 Minutes.

The Loudest Voice (Showtime): Some of the industry’s biggest names star in this dramatic examination of former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes’ impact and legacy in the 1930’s San Francisco drag scene.

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Pennyworth | Epix

Pennyworth (Epix): A prequel to the Batman series, Pennyworth gives the backstory to Alfred Pennyworth’s failed jazz career and reluctant backup plan to be the butler of a superhero.

Fear The Walking Dead (AMC): This spinoff of The Walking Dead follows a group of putrid, abominable college students barred out at Trevor’s kickback.

The Gilded Age (HBO): This easy to watch series explores 1880s capitalist New York City. All viewers need is a complete and thorough knowledge of late eighteenth century geopolitical class division.

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Watchmen | HBO

Watchmen (HBO): Frequently confused with Alan Moore’s sci-fi comic book Watchmen, this series focuses on two minimum wage security guards in Ramona, California.

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Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

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Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

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