Millennials Issue Response To Draft: “Sorry, We’re Busy That Day”

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UNITED STATES—As tensions in the Middle East rise and government officials begin preparing for a worst-case scenario, millennials in the United States have issued a formal response to the possibility of a draft: “sorry, we’re busy that day.”

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“We’d honestly love to, but we, like, kind of already have this thing. Thanks for hitting us up though,” millennial spokesperson Frederic Sims said, offering no specifics whatsoever, but clarifying they’d like to “grab drinks” with recruiting officers sometime.

Government officials have since called the response “flakey” and, in more critical instances, “straight up shady.”

“Just as the Greatest Generation rose to the occasion in World War II, we expect the same from today’s youth. However, it appears we underestimated millennial’s ability to bail at the last minute and make us wonder if we’re even friends anymore,” Roseville military recruiter Eli Watts said, venting frustration with one 23-year-old in particular who didn’t respond to his text, yet hours later posted an acai bowl to his Snapchat story.

Added Watts: “It just really hurts my feelings.”

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Later, government officials had solidified a deployment date for “maybe Thursday?”

Little Tikes Unveils New Plus Size Cozy Roadster

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AMERICA—Touting the product as a must have for kids all over the country, Little Tikes unveiled a new toy car Thursday equipped with seatbelt extenders along with many other plus sized amenities.

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“Just in time for Christmas, it is my pleasure to announce the Cozy Roadster Type 2, redesigned with double the interior space as our previous model and 3 additional feet of seatbelt to strap your child in,” Little Tikes spokesman Frederic Sims said, highlighting the new hydraulic suspension system that supports up to 450 pounds.

“The new motorized engine will not only help haul your quarter ton 3-year-old up a slight incline, but also keep them involved in games of tag without the fear of being rushed to the E.R. for a triple bypass,” Sims went on, pointing out the addition of fun, educational voice prompts like “breathe between bites” and “the wrapper isn’t a napkin.”

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The product was reportedly recalled after more than a dozen children went into cardiac arrest while attempting to turn the wheel.

Amazon Now Selling Kidneys To Compete With Black Market

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SEATTLE,WA—In an effort to put its flag in yet another thriving industry, Amazon announced Tuesday it would start selling kidneys among other illegal goods and services to compete with the black market.

“For just $150,000, Amazon Black™ customers can purchase a kidney extracted from our surplus of involuntary donors,” Amazon spokesman Frederic Sims said, adding that for a limited-time customers can buy one and get one free.

Related: Jeff Bezos Reprimands Daughter For Spending Too Little

“Simply select ‘Black’ from the dropdown menu and start browsing our catalog of the finest Colombian imported angel dust and white, hot crunch on the deep web,” Sims went on, noting that Amazon Prime members can be chicken-flipping in just a few hours with same-day delivery.

“Whether you’re searching for crude oil, a forged passport, or the exotic Amur Leopard—exclusive only to the Heilong region of northeast China—we have you covered. Customers can also modify delivery options with an alternate meeting point on the sixth floor of a deserted Nordstrom parking garage.”

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Among the changes Amazon Black brings, Prime Video subscribers will now be able to tune in and watch any webcam in the world. In addition, Alexa products will be relocated to Black’s new ‘Spyware’ section.

Following its opening day, Wall Street sources reported Black Market shares had plummeted.

SeaWorld Places Plastic Bags In Containment Tanks To Simulate Dolphins’ Natural Habitat

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SAN DIEGO, CA—In response to criticism over the quality of life their sea animals experience in captivity, SeaWorld claimed it would begin depositing plastic bags in containment tanks to simulate the marine life’s natural habitat.

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“We want all dolphins, whales, and sea turtles to feel at home. To ensure this, we are taking steps to mirror their experience in the ocean by scattering plastic bags, bottles, and utensils in containment tanks several times per day,” SeaWorld spokesperson Frederic Sims said, adding that they have encouraged staff to take a piss or drop a half-finished Yoplait cup in the otter exhibit while on break.

“Furthermore, we’ve allied with companies like ExxonMobil and Shell to dump toxic waste so our stingrays can feel like they’re right off the coast of Somalia again,” Sims went on, noting that parkgoers can aide the cause at the Explorer’s Reef where they can strangle their very own sea turtle with a six-pack soda ring.

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Added Sims: “To cement our dedication to this issue, we have replaced all of our trash cans with fish tanks.”

Later, Sims announced they had finished creating an ocean-like environment by setting the tanks to slowly overflow.

Jeff Bezos Reprimands Daughter For Spending Too Little

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Bezos explains to daughter what kind of people shop at Ross

MEDINA, WASHINGTON—In an attempt to figure out the meaning behind her responsible spending habits, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly chastised his daughter Monday for not spending an exorbitant amount of money.

“$45 at Nordstrom? $11 at Chipotle? Let’s get one thing straight. When your personal driver drops you at the mall, I expect you to be reckless and impulsive with my endless stream of cash,” Bezos said, harshly reminding his daughter of her $50,000 weekly allowance.

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“Money doesn’t grow on trees, okay? It sits in my bank account and multiplies exponentially,” Bezos went on, growing increasingly frustrated after learning his daughter purchased a pair of Converse on sale to “save money.”

“15% off? Jesus Christ. I don’t sit around all day and passively accumulate an unfathomable stockpile of capital so you can be the poster child for the Salvation Army. Show some respect and buy a fleet of yachts like the goddamn unhinged billionaire I raised you to be,” Bezos said, adding that it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while she tried purchasing the rights to the Star Wars franchise or putting Somalia on her debit card.

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Bezos reportedly grounded his daughter by sending her to her private island off the coast of Belize where she will think long and hard about properly abusing her privilege.

What You Need To Know: Facebook & Islamic Extremist Groups

Facebook has been the center of criticism after inadvertently providing Islamic extremist groups with a networking and recruitment tool. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • Answers the question, “who even uses Facebook anymore?”
  • Marks the largest extremist group given a platform by Facebook since the “Moms For Trump” page
  • Ruins having meaningful, face-to-face conversations about the ultimate sacrifice like we used to
  • Bi-weekly meet & greets at the Holiday Inn in Roseville. Snacks and beverages provided
  • Worse, LinkedIn just listed the position “Part-Time Suicide Bomber”
  • Still better than vacation photos
  • Boastful nature of Facebook might set false standard of deriving self-worth from how many hospitals you’ve blown up
  • Finally, a place where Islamic Extremists and White Supremacists can all get along
  • So when Facebook does it, they’re “criticized”, but when I do it, I “have the right to remain silent?”

Read: What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

Magic Tree House Author Apologizes For Latest Book Set At Tiananmen Square

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Tiananmen Square Image Attribution: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Derzsi_Elekes_Andor

CHINA—Expressing deep regret for the historical errors in her latest novel, author Mary Pope Osborne of the popular children’s book series The Magic Tree House apologized Monday for showing young readers a completely fictional massacre at Tiananmen Square in 1989 that never happened.

“While I hoped to educate children on the importance of democracy using a poignant moment in history, I now realize I should have checked my sources before sending Jack and Annie on a journey through time to witness some phony public mass execution,” Osborne said, making clear that there were never any tanks involved, not a single soldier that took aim, and certainly no casualties whatsoever.

“I was really using my imagination,” she added.

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“Looking back, perhaps I should’ve written about a true event—like the day the world celebrated when the CPC took power—instead of minutely describing the nonexistent hailstorm of bullets that tore through a protestor’s flesh and sprayed Jack’s glasses in a red mist, along with 13 consecutive pages of internal dialogue where Jack debates taking his own life after witnessing swathes of people fall prey to their own government,” Osborne went on, admitting that she should’ve consulted a history book and focused the story on something real and not Annie being trapped in history and used as a guinea pig to test experimental drugs in a Chinese concentration camp.

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“If I myself could go back in time, I would change the name to something more accurate than Magic Tree House: Martial Law In The Morning,” Osborne said. “Maybe something like Just A Normal Day In June.”

After thanking Chinese distributors for correcting her mistake, Osborne went on to say her next novel set in current day Hong Kong is extremely accurate and will be titled Magic Tree House: Futile Protests On A Friday.

What You Need To Know: BangBros & Miami Dolphins

The porn site BangBros has bid $10 million on the naming rights for the Miami Dolphins stadium. Continue reading for everything we know so far.

Key Points:

  • To be named Stadium of the Dolphins, or “STD” for short
  • BangBros to build a live exhibit where fans can ride a Dolphin
  • Must be 18 or over to enter
  • First became interested after seeing QB Josh Rosen receive no protection
  • Games will be broadcast under “Amateur” category
  • Fans will still enter each game with excitement and leave with shame
  • Halftime shows to be performed by famed artists Johnny Sins and Nikki Benz with surprise appearances by Tommy Gun, Ron Jeremy, and Danny Mountain
  • BangBros announced plans to have “Couples Night” throughout the season where fans are encouraged to bring their significant others, or as Floridians call them: mom

Marianne Williamson Admits Nation Not Ready For President Who Can Cast Blood Magic

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Williamson casts Blood Typhoon, a high level runic spell, for reporters

DURNSHIRE WOODS, MOONMYST ISLE—Attributing a drop in polls to her ideas being too profound for the average American to comprehend, presidential candidate Marianne Williamson told reporters Tuesday the nation may not be ready for a president who is a devoted practitioner of the dark arts.

“As a full-fledged Scion of the Sixth Serenity, I know firsthand how much the nation could benefit from the blessing light of Lunaria. But for mere mortals who have never bathed in the glimmering Pools of Salvatar or studied the three schools of blood magic under High Priest C’Thajh, I can see why my ideas are difficult to grasp,” Williamson said, adding that she regrets her Eight Fold Illumination plan for the United States will never see action.

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“I was to bring reparations to African-Americans just as I brought justice to the Highborne persecuted in their own cloud haven! Global warming could’ve been cast to oblivion if I had the chance to replace vehicles with Dragon Serpents of the West Wind! Solving the homelessness crisis is as easy as summoning the ancient Tree god Gungor for shelter and hate could have forever been undone simply by having each citizen peer into the Mirror of A Thousand Infinities!” Williamson echoed, noting that with two Etherwood Fickles and a four-verse incantation, she also had plans to cast a peace ward on the Middle East.

“Despite reminding Americans frequently of my qualifications—such as when I vanquished the life-stealing necromancer Ar’Qir or the time I protected the realm by polymorphing an ogre abomination into Ted Cruz—they still write me off as some lunatic. Their loss I guess,” Williamson said, signaling an aide to fetch her grimoire.

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For the time being, Williamson concluded she would open a portal to the Night Elf capital of Ala’Ska where she will seek council from Eternal Outcast Palin and lie in slumber until the nation heeds her call.

18 Years Later: MTV Remembers Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ Album Debut

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NEW YORK—Marking the 18th anniversary of the event that occurred on 9/11, the Music Television Channel took a moment on air Wednesday to reflect on the horrific day Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” album hit shelves.

“Let us take pause to acknowledge the millions of Americans whose lives were changed forever by the sickening, at times appalling ballads heard in ‘Lead The Way,’” MTV Networks CEO Frederic Sims said.

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“A historical moment that changed how we think about pop and hip hop, Carey’s off-key blend of New York Latin disco and hair-salon soul will forever be remembered for its deadly attack on the nation’s speaker systems,” Sims went on. “Fortunately, ‘Glitter’ ultimately brought Americans together in its sheer atrocity. We became stronger, more united, and cognizant that our ears could be the victims of a subpar remix of ‘Last Night A DJ Saved My Life’ at any time.”

As a nation, Sims stated we must never forget the day we stood in disbelief as Carey tried to hit and hold the High C.

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