USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a college bribery scandal, the University of Southern California defended the representation of its students with celebrity parents as part of a goal to promote diversity on campus.

“At USC, we strive to maintain a diverse student body,” spokesman Frederic Sims said. “While we are proud to attract the sharpest minds and finest athletes, it is also imperative we provide opportunities to the minority of snobby, rich celebrity children.”

Related: Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire

In recent years, data shows USC has made an honest effort to represent more students of wealthy, famous backgrounds, but the number of college students across the country with familial ties to an A-list celebrity remains staggeringly low.

“When you look at campuses across the country, 99% of students you see are commonplace nobodies,” Sims went on. “Which is why we pride ourselves in representing the 1%.”

Sims ended by challenging any self-proclaimed inclusive university to acknowledge how some students are born with systemic challenges that prevent them from devoting time to academics. “Just imagine how difficult it is to work hard when you don’t have to,” Sims concluded.

Related: Will Smith Forced To Step Down From Aladdin Remake Following Blueface Dispute

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Colton From ‘The Bachelor’ Diagnosed With A Terminal Case Of Blue Balls

LOS ANGELES—Colton Underwood, the star of The Bachelor, was admitted to UCLA Medical Center this week for what is being called the most severe case of blue balls in recent history.

“Mr. Underwood’s condition is a result of prolonged abstinence and exposure to an excess of drunk, horny women in a sex mansion,” Doctor Frederic Sims said of his patient who has garnered a reputation for saving his virginity until marriage.

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Underwood was reportedly found passed out alongside the lingerie section of a JC Penny where security camera footage shows he went into shock after witnessing a mannequin in a lace bra and panties.

He currently remains in an induced coma where his penis is connected to life-support and his testicles have been submerged in ice water to numb the pain.

Doctor Sims went on to say that Colton’s blue balls are swelling at an alarming rate and there could be life-threatening consequences, unless he gets laid soon.

“I am prescribing Mr. Underwood a large dosage of pussy to be administered twice a day for the next thirty years,” Sims said. “We have also made him a Tinder profile to help expedite his recovery.”

Fortunately, millions of women from across the country have donated their vaginas to the cause. However, Underwood’s family remains resilient in honoring Colton’s wish to wait until he has found “the one.”

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Kylie Jenner Rises From Destitute Millionaire Family To Become Billionaire

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HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Makeup mogul Kylie Jenner made history this week by becoming the youngest billionaire in history despite coming from a mediocre millionaire heritage.

“It was hard growing up,” Jenner said. “I didn’t always get the Rolex or velour handbag I wanted, but my parents made sure I had the bare necessities: an Amex Black Card and personal driver.”

Related: USC Claims Celebrity Children Are Part Of Diversity Initiative

Jenner described the cramped, barely hospitable 15,000 square foot mansion with 2 pools and 4 butlers she grew up in as motivation to beat the odds and escape the slums of the 35% tax bracket.

“I was just a girl with a dream and a multi-million dollar trust fund,” Jenner recalled. “If I ever wanted to be successful, I knew I had to buckle down and work hard every other day.”

Jenner went on to explain how her unpleasant childhood memories of a meager $3000 allowance continue to drive her through a grueling 2-hour workweek.

“Whenever I think about giving up, I just think back to those dark days of flying First Class commercial,” Jenner said. “It always makes me calm down, remember where I came from, and have my assistant take care of it.”

Fortunately, the money hasn’t gone to her head. Jenner will be starting a charity this summer that will help fight the ongoing single car garage epidemic.

Related: Jeff Bezos Launches Competition To Build New Marriage In Major American City


Warner Bros. Releases Teaser Trailer For ‘Mueller Report’ Film Adaptation

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump administration nears a close, Warner Bros. has released a 60 second teaser trailer for its live-action remake based on the report.

In Christian Bale’s most transformative role yet, critics are praising his spitting image portrayal of Donald Trump to which Bale credits his strict diet of Double Quarter Pounders and Oreo McFlurries.

“You’ve got to give everything to every role you do,” said the actor who practiced method acting on set, often taking prolonged “executive time” in his trailer and fondling background actresses between scenes.

The star-studded cast features Sandra Bullock as Melania Trump, Liam Neeson as Robert Mueller, Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter as Steve Bannon, a Nordstrom’s mannequin as Mike Pence, and Sandra Oh as Jared Kushner.

With a narrative focusing mainly on events leading up to and during the Trump presidency, the trailer shows a masterfully re-imagined flashback to the Vietnam draft when Trump first discovered his passion for lying.

Early viewers say Mueller’s “genius script” will surely take home an Oscar for the way it challenges classic two-term structure.

The first installment of the Mueller Report trilogy, Episode 1: The Orange Menace, is due early next fall.

3 Girl Scouts Handcuffed In Ongoing Brownies, Daisies Gang Violence

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ORANGE COUNTY – Police confirmed that 3 more Girl Scouts were placed in handcuffs this week following an ongoing turf war between two rival troops: the Daisies and Brownies.

“Reports indicate the crime was pre-meditated and carried out by members of the notorious 1st Grade Daisies on the 3rd Grade Brownies to claim territory over the Crown Valley Starbucks cookie tabling location,” Police Chief Frederic Sims said.

“At approximately 16:00 hours, while learning the value of a dollar and merits of teamwork, the Daisies cornered the Brownies, demanding a cut of their profit and badges. A vicious brawl immediately ensued, resulting in 4 boxes of Tagalongs damaged beyond repair.”

One mother supervising the junior entrepreneurs is reported to be in critical condition after being shot point blank by a spray of frozen Thin Mints.

The felons—Sally Marie, Olivia Grace, and Hannah Jane—were apprehended in the getaway vehicle, a 2012 Honda Odyssey, and are currently awaiting trial at Orange County Superior Court, where a jury will preside over their allowance on the winter ski trip.

Twitter Revamps Policy On Accepted Forms Of Hate Speech

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SAN FRANCISCO – In response to a number of complaints from bigots across its platform, Twitter has decided to change its policy on approved forms of discrimination.

Frederic Sims, a concerned white supremacist from Orange County, felt his first amendment rights were being violated by not being able to freely use derogatory terms without penalty. “How else am I supposed to respond when I encounter an opinion different from my own?” he asked.

“After hearing each and every complaint, we have decided to restructure our policy to allow a more welcoming environment for all chauvinists, anti-Semites, white supremacists, and Red Sox fans to freely express their narrow-minded beliefs,” CEO Jack Dorsey said on Tuesday.

The announcement was met with praise from bigots across Twitter, who momentarily crashed the website with a cavalcade of hate-filled tweets targeting former President Barack Obama.

Dorsey went on to say he is confident this is the right step backward in creating an open, hostile dialogue between all genders, races, and religions.

President Donald Trump said he plans to take full advantage of this “very, very good news” during his executive time Friday afternoon.

Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

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MEXICO – Mexican officials warned on Thursday that a caravan of illegal immigrants are fleeing toward Mexico’s northern border after President Trump declared a state of national emergency to build his wall.

“I’m hoping to seek asylum in Tijuana before the wall traps me inside,” said Portland resident Frederic Sims, echoing the plans of other Americans desperately making haste for the border.

However, Mexicans are on the fence about letting undocumented immigrants into their country, with some arguing it’s Mexico’s responsibility to provide a safe haven for refugees trying to escape an unstable country, while others challenge that the foreigners bring dangerous, American ideals.

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Coming from echo chambers across the country, Americans risk their lives on the harrowing journey, often surviving days without a strong, LTE connection.

Mexican border patrol agents report they have already detained at least 7,500 Americans between El Paso and San Diego, attempting to hop and dig under border fencing.

Finally seeing eye to eye, Mexico has agreed to pay for President Trump’s wall in full to thwart the threat of illegal immigration.

In related news, Canada is discussing plans to build a wall on its southern border.