NSA Enlists Geek Squad To Thwart Future Election Interference

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FORT MEADE, MA—In an effort to preserve the integrity of future elections, officials from the National Security Agency stated Thursday the specialist organization known as ‘Geek Squad’ has just finished renovating the country’s cyber defense system. 

“Today I am proud to announce a comprehensive revamp of the National Security Agency’s digital hardware and cybersecurity systems, only made possible by Kevin,” said NSA director Frederic Sims (72), noting that his IBM PC and yellowing, buckle spring keyboard are now relics of the past.

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Kevin: part-time Geek Squad employee, sophomore at Anne Arundel Community College, American hero

In addition to replacing their dial-up internet with a fiber-optic connection, Kevin—who refurbished the National Security Agency with HP Pavilion desktop PC’s—garnered Sims’ praise for swapping out the old password [usa] with a new, “uncrackable” code that incorporates numbers, uppercase letters, and “that squiggly line above the tab button.” Sims took pause to assure agents concerned with the all-encompassing overhaul that the new password is on a sticky note on his monitor should anyone forget.

“Above all, America will now and forever be seen as the standard for impenetrable election security with the addition of Norton AntiVirus Plus,” Sims said, daring any foreign entity to try and get past the real-time protection of Norton’s pop up blocking 1 month free trial.

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Sources indicate that while the bulk of Kevin’s efforts focused on cyber security, he also took the liberty of answering questions and addressing some much needed quality of life improvements.

“Kevin was vital in installing the ‘Google Chrome’, updating what is known as ‘Adobe Flash Player’, showing defense operatives how to connect to wifi, importing The Eagles “Desperado” album to my iTunes library, transcribing the steps for checking email, and helping Chief Intelligence Officer Alfred Greenblatt save a .pdf,” Sims said.

Kevin, who started with Geek Squad in July, told reporters he was happy to assist the National Security Agency with their common tech troubles.

“It was pretty easy. The hardest part was explaining they could still play solitaire,” Kevin said, who added that it took several minutes to convince Sims he would now be able to use his office phone and browse the internet simultaneously.

Related: Troubling WikiLeaks Photo Reveals Bernie Sanders Once Accepted Campaign Contribution From Wells Fargo Wagon

Admitting Sims was afraid of “internet people” stealing their information, Kevin said he eased his worries by hiding the nation’s nuclear codes in a folder titled ‘Grandkids Disneyworld ’08.’

The entire technological grid has since reportedly crashed after Sims clicked an email in his spam folder titled “H0t h0rNy S1ngLez NeAr U.”

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Weather Channel Adds Shootings To Weekly Forecast

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UNITED STATES—Giving Americans a look into the week ahead, the Weather Channel highlighted key locations across the country to expect national tragedies.

“Here we see nothing out of the ordinary with some light gunfire coming in off the east coast, followed by scattered shots in the afternoon, and a few more millimeters that evening,” said Channel 7 meteorologist Frederic Sims, urging parents to provide their children an extra layer of clothing like a bulletproof jacket.

Related: Trump To Focus State Of The Union Speech On Middle School Level Language Arts

“Looking out west, expect a 77% chance of a preventable disaster in the Santa Clarita vicinity to impact traffic on the 5 and parts of the 405,” he said, advising those with a commute to make ample time for delays.

In the Midwest, Sims warned a high of 45 deaths Monday with mostly thoughts and prayers all day Tuesday, however, normal conditions should resume Wednesday with a massacre at a college bar in Council Bluffs, Iowa.

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Added Sims: “Unfortunately, the worst is yet to come with an anticipated 0% chance of gun reform in the D.C. area.”

School Faces Discrimination Charges For Giving Dipshits Lower Test Scores

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ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Alleging that they were given unfair treatment based strictly on the level of their intelligence, parents are threatening to sue an Orange County high school for giving their dumbass children worse grades than smart students.

The plaintiffs claim they [good-for-nothing assclowns who get high and play Fortnite the night before an exam] are being systematically displaced by students who pay attention in class, study, and generally care about their future.

“Both of my kids are colossal idiots and have been ostracized at school precisely because of the letter of their grades,” mother Claire Selinsky said, pointing out the school has unashamedly reserved higher learning classes for students that can add and read. “The system is rigged against them. How can they get into a decent college if the school is gatekeeping required courses to students who got at least a C- in Ceramics?”

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Additionally, certified dipshits claim teachers have given preferential treatment to students who weren’t vaping in the back of the classroom texting Justin’s “chill” older brother to buy them Malibu for Kelsey’s thing this weekend.

Unfathomably dumb sons of bitches also report that some of the promising students have resorted to name-calling, using derogatory terms such as “shit-for-brains” and “full-on fucksticks” and, in certain instances, abusing their “smart privilege” by asking minority dumbshits if Jack In The Box has a retirement plan.

Since then, grade-A morons have organized rallies in front of the school where they hold signs that read ‘End The Injustis’ and chant for a ride in someone’s trunk so they can skip fifth period.

Related: 3rd Grader Rails Fat Line Of Fun Dip In Bathroom Before Assembly

The school has called the allegations baseless, countering that varsity football star Frederic Sims is a total idiot and has a full-ride to UCLA.

Seismologists Predict Next Earthquake Will Be Somewhere At Sometime

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PASADENA, CA—Asserting that their research has reached a firm conclusion, seismologists at the Caltech Seismology Laboratory determined the next big or small earthquake would be in a place and at a time.

“After analyzing the shifting plate tectonics of the recent 6.4 and 7.1 magnitude earthquakes, the data we have gathered definitively proves that the next earthquake will be of a magnitude greater than zero,” said lead research engineer Frederic Sims, noting that his team would have a more accurate prediction a day or two after it happens.

Related: Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel

“Although our current time projection spans roughly from now to later, we have pinpointed the aftershock to occur exactly during the day or at night. This we know for certain,” he said.

Sims was careful to point out that by studying past locations where earthquakes have struck, there is a reasonable chance the next earthquake will occur “somewhere on earth.”

“Of course this is all just speculation,” he clarified.

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Cautioning the public to be ready when it hits, Sims did offer the greatest indication of an earthquake to be shaking. “Lots and lots of shaking,” he said.

Sims’s laboratory was recently awarded a $5 million grant to continue studying impending earthquakes.

Game Review: Call Of Duty Modern Warfare Reboot Succeeds With New Nonviolent Conflict Resolution System

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Hugging it out after a senseless public execution was avoided

At E3 this year, I was among the select few invited to a private beta test for the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare reboot.

Although I went in not expecting much from an otherwise exhausted franchise, I was blown away by one feature that made me believe a series rebirth is possible. Known for its over-the-top combat and futuristic setting in recent years, Modern Warfare is a breath of fresh air for its rich array of nonviolent conflict resolution techniques intricately designed to calmly de-escalate any hostile encounter.

Single Player Campaign

For all of its violent battle mechanics—like airstrikes and blood-spattering headshots—Modern Warfare boasts just as many mindful, level-headed approaches. Take for example, the opening sequence where you choose between a sniper rifle, submachine gun, and a copy of The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. Right away, I had to decide whether to dispatch the target from a distance, get up close and personal, or look within, realize I’m getting emotionally involved, and opt for a self-care day to meditate on next steps.

Better yet, another particularly gruesome scene gives players the option to follow orders and gun down innocent civilians in an Azerbaijan market square—a choice that sparks World War III—or tackle the issue privately with Captain Price and learn that he made the impulsive call on an empty stomach.

Related: Popular New Fan Theory Suggests Potential For World War 2 Sequel

You’ll find many moments like these in the carefully designed choice-driven narrative that organically culminates in one of 57 different endings, ranging from a nuke decimating a quarter of the globe to having a kickass time at mercenary leader Imran Zakhaev’s cabin in Breckinridge tearing up the slopes and roasting smores.

Whether you use your breath to steady the sniper scope or your emotions, the fate of the world is in your hands.

Multiplayer

With a richly detailed character customization screen, I was awestruck with how I could choose from over 75 weapons, compliment my load out with flashbangs and throwing knives, and put my stamp on it with a camouflage skin. Equally, however, I was able to go for a more holistic approach and catch my militant foes off guard with the Relaxed Posture and Positive Attitude perks.

By stringing together consecutive steps in resolving conflict, a player can unlock what is known as “Kindstreaks.” In one situation, after I invited a hostile to take a seat, thanked him for coming, and asked if he would like a La Croix, I could then call in an “Uber Eats Airdrop” to enjoy with my blood-thirsting enemy as a gesture of good faith.

UBER EATS AIRDROP

The beautifully reimagined map “Overgrown” in particular struck a nostalgic chord as I relived the days of my youth quickscoping enemies from afar with the iconic M-40A3 bolt-action rifle. But as an adult, I was more impressed by the new map, “Closed-Door Office”: a safe space where players can engage in a meaningful 1-on-1 close quarters discussion.

Certain game modes encouraged diplomacy in voice chat by motivating players to discuss why their battle is occurring rather than blindly escalate the situation with violence. For example, after I validated the other team’s feelings in a round of Domination, I then coordinated appropriate times for each team to capture flags without any killing needed. With a final score of 200 – 200, everybody won.

By far, my favorite addition was ‘Peacemaker’ mode: a co-op game mode for advanced players to de-escalate heated arguments in the fastest time possible. Similar to Spec Ops in previous titles, players need to use active listening and be adept at I-statements to stand a chance. For example, instead of saying, “you’ll piss me off if you murder the hostages”, it is more effective to hold ‘X’, bring up a list of dialogue options, and select, “I would feel unheard if the hostages are murdered.”

Before I knew it, I was denuclearizing a volatile country by avoiding sharp words and maintaining a gentle tone of voice with a radical Middle Eastern terrorist organization!

Related: ISIS, American Soldiers Reach Ceasefire In Anticipation Of New Tame Impala Album

Verdict

“Our mission is to give players full-control in the heat of combat. For some, that means unloading a clip of your red dot sight M-60 into enemy lines, but for others, that might mean halting battle, climbing atop a Humvee, and asking, ‘Hey, can we just chill out for a second?’” game director Frederic Sims said.

Mission Accomplished.

Between choices like sleeping on it, taking a walk to cool off, and readdressing the issue at a later date, Modern Warfare adds a unique RPG element that makes combat thoroughly enjoyable, even for the most pacifistic gamer.

Rarely does a video game impact me IRL, but I would be remiss not to mention that Modern Warfare has made me a better person at heart. Many of the techniques I learned in game are surprisingly useful in the workplace and at home. These have reminded me that, if I take a moment to remember the Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, and Reason, there is often an easy way to avoid a messy fight. And when there isn’t, I always have that rocket-propelled grenade launcher under my bed.

It’s refreshing to see a little modern welfare in Modern Warfare.

Score: 9.5/10

Incredibly Polite Riot Breaks Out In Toronto Following Raptors Win

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TORONTO—Following the Toronto Raptors 2019 NBA Championship victory, fans took to the streets in what experts are calling the most polite riot in history.

Police scanners described as many as 200 rioters using their manners, picking up loose trash, helping cars back out, and climbing light posts to fix dimming bulbs.

Related: Warriors Now Selling Authentic, Blood-Stained Draymond Green Jerseys

“No, after you!” a viciously courteous man demanded as he and a bystander fought to hold the door open for one another into the subway, which was already experiencing major delays after the whole train refused to sit down amid harassing an elderly woman to take their seat.

Traffic reportedly came to a halt when two pedestrians engaged in small talk in the middle of a crosswalk, where sources confirm the acquaintances shot the breeze for nearly 3 hours in a surface level discussion about the weather. Stranded drivers just about reached their breaking point when a woman in a 2013 Toyota Prius C considered honking her horn.

More extreme pleasantries were exchanged when graffiti artists took advantage of the friendly chaos by tagging wholesome messages across the city, such as, “have a nice day” and “your mom is a nice lady!”

Related: Coach K Says Reason For Loss Was Lack Of Team Bonding Exercises

Later, a “brash, ill-mannered” man was arrested on the spot after bumping into a police officer and neglecting to say sorry.

U.S. Now Requiring Instagram Verified Badge To Apply For Citizenship

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Cracking down on application requirements for U.S. citizenship, the State Department announced Saturday that it will begin requiring all applicants to have a blue checkmark on their Instagram profile to indicate they are verified public figures.

“Not only will applicants be required to have an active account, but profiles will also be inspected to prove they are of sufficient social status,” State Department spokesperson Frederic Sims said, noting that accounts will instantly be disqualified if a profile does not clearly state: lifestyle blogger, fitness expert, or entrepreneurial guru.

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Criteria for ideal candidate profiles will contain a link in their bio, a 15% discount deal with an obscure, eco-friendly clothing company, and, most importantly, a feigned sense of self-importance.

“This measure is simply to confirm the identity of individuals entering the United States and to safeguard current Americans from faceless zeros,” Sims added.

Sims explained that current U.S. citizens caught without a badge could be placed in a social media internment camp where they will be re-educated in deriving self-worth from arbitrary numbers. “In extreme cases, these individuals will be forced to relearn whether ‘all that glitters isn’t gold’ or ‘a smooth sea never make a skilled sailor’ would constitute a better caption for #motivationmonday, and, in certain instances, judging if Clarendon, Gingham, or Lo-Fi would best compliment a selfie at golden hour.”

Related: Mexico Prepares For Caravan Of Illegal Immigrants Approaching Border

In closing, Sims clarified that users discovered to be using hashtags will be deemed enemies of the state and immediately deported.