SILICON VALLEY—Watching the high-end vehicle explode and the driver escape engulfed in flames, two bystanders reported the smug prick was doing nothing if not trying to show off his Tesla.
“Look at him parade around like he’s better than us,” bystander Frederic Sims said, rolling his eyes at the “total douchebag” show off his vehicle’s exclusive auto-detonation feature by marching around the parking lot enveloped in a conflagration abruptly halting traffic. “Who does he think he is?” Sims added.
Witnesses on the scene confirmed the insufferable braggart also tried to strike up random conversations with strangers about his top-of-the-line, renewable energy, custom-painted, currently on fire vehicle.
“Call 911!” the self-aggrandizing, pretentious asshole flirted to a young woman minding her own business.
Soon after the flames died out and the pompous elite finally shut the hell up, paramedics on the scene declared the man “totally full of himself.”
WESTEROS—Exercising the power of the Iron Throne, recently crowned King Bran Stark issued an executive decree Monday to install wheelchair accessible ramps in all Seven Kingdoms.
“In effect immediately, my first act as ruler and Protector of the Realm shall be to provide handicapped accommodations for every Westerosian suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncommon, severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis!” Stark echoed from his balcony to a sea of cheering citizens afflicted with lower back pain.
The new decree—Title 19, Section 51322(g)—will reportedly require all government buildings and commercial property owners to have ramps constructed with 4 inch thick Ironwood platforms and Valyrian steel handrails. Certain public transportation services, such as Golden Company Elephants and King’s Landing Dragons, will also be required to have Vertical Wheelchair Lifts (VWL) and bi-fold ramps to ensure handicapped humans, White Walkers, and Children of the Forest can comfortably board their mythical being.
“Today is a victory for any disabled Westerosian who’s ever been prevented from making a deposit at the Iron Bank of Braavos or attending a knighting ceremony on the second floor,” the King of the Andals and the First Men bellowed. “Let us bid farewell to our greatest enemy. May every step perish in the Seven Hells.”
Later, after a servant transferred the mighty ruler from wheelchair to throne, King Stark reportedly began drafting a second decree to escalate punishment for citizens found guilty of riding under the influence.
The Lupica Factor takes a dive into new shows premiering on cable and streaming services this summer. Keep reading to get the full-scoop and find out what not to miss!
The Bachelorette (ABC): Bachelorette Hannah Brown is looking for love in the 15th season of this terrifying, psychological thriller that centers on a woman trapped against her will in a house with 30 sexually frustrated men.
The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu): Hulu’s celebrated adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel comes back for a third season, where we might finally see the women of Gilead quit their bitching and be grateful for what they have.
Catch-22 (Hulu): The long-awaited sequel to Catch-21 has come.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Netflix): The elite Marvel crime-fighting squad begins season 2 with brand-new hero Candace, gifted by ancient Egyptian gods with the power of contagious laughter that infects her victims with a positive attitude.
Stranger Things (Netflix): The gang is back this summer and so is the upside-down. Many burning questions remain unanswered: Is there a new Demogorgon? Is it in the Starcourt mall? Does that make it a service animal?
Swamp Thing (DC Universe): A young woman returns to her hometown in Louisiana to look into the cause of what seems to be a deadly virus infecting the swamps… until realizing the real virus was inside her all along.
Lucifer (Netflix): Originally airing on FOX, Lucifer is a dark nail-biter about an agent from hell adjusting to life in Los Angeles and philosophizing over the singular question plaguing human existence: Is Google Maps better than Waze?
COUNTRYSIDE—Joining Uber drivers in the strike for higher wages and improved benefits, horses in more than a dozen major pastures are reportedly demanding increased hay for their ride-sharing services.
In addition to removing their saddles, horses will hold rallies in strategic places, such as outside local barns in high-traffic countryside areas. In Texas and New Mexico, Shetlands and Mustangs are slated to cease transporting passengers for 24 hours. In Kentucky, Trixie—an onyx stallion who heads Horses United—has planned a two-hour strike from 6am to 8am during busy cattle herding hours.
Unlike dogs who work as full-time service animals, horses often work as independent contractors on a per-trail basis, foregoing many of the liberties that come with traditional employment in favor of a more flexible schedule. As workers in the gig-economy, trusty steeds believe going on strike is the only way to make their neighs heard.
Participating horses intend to send a message to their owners: they want a livable hay-rate, bigger stables, dental insurance, a 10% commission cap on miles galloped, and a retirement plan outside of being put down, according to a horse bill of rights circulating on Twitter.
Sources project this to be the largest animal-led protest since the historic march of the penguins in 2005.
CALISTOGA, CA—In what appears to be a major database breach, leaked blueprints for the next flagship water bottle detail Crystal Geyser’s ambitious plan to create a device with 17.0 fluid ounces of storage space.
The unprecedented reveal sent shockwaves through an industry that has been dominated by the 16.9 fluid ounce model since its debut in 1973 as the world’s first handheld bottle.
Claire Selinsky, a Safeway insider, elaborated on the leaked schematics, saying, “Geyser’s latest hardware design is beyond comprehension. If the extra half-centimeter of width and millimeter of height can withstand the strain of 0.1 fluid ounces, Geyser will stand at the pinnacle of bottle engineering. We are truly living in the future.”
Rivals Arrowhead and Dasani both called Geyser’s aim to create an easy to carry bottle with greatly enhanced storage space “commendable, but destined to fail.” Other detractors, including a theoretical physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said it is “highly unlikely” for a thin layer of biodegradable plastic to handle that much alpine spring water. “It’s a fool’s errand,” he added.
In addition to the landmark capacity improvement, the bottle will come with a few minor upgrades as well. For example, the new cap boasts the latest in Touch I.D., a fingerprint identity sensor that makes it easy to access your water. Other rumors predict it will have voice activation, a Find My Bottle feature, Bluetooth capabilities, and will come in Space Grey or Rose Gold.
Graphic designer Frederic Sims has created stunning new C.G.I. renders of the upcoming Geyser bottle. As it often does, YouTube channel BottleConceptz compiled several of Sims renders into a video that showcases the design from all angles:
When the product hits shelves just before Christmas, sources project long lines out of Safeway with customers desperate to get their hands on the hottest bottle on the market.
EARTH—Saying it’s just a matter of time, a fan theory has emerged online detailing potential for a sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II.
“They left plenty of Easter eggs hinting at it and there are so many questions left unanswered: What happened to the Allied Powers? Will Japan get revenge? Is Hitler still alive?” history buff Frederic Sims wrote in an online forum, emphasizing that World War II ended on a major cliffhanger and fans are dying to see how the series culminates in a climactic finale.
“Even though it dragged on at the end, World War II had the best character development. Hideki Tojo was such a likable antihero and I could see his ideals playing a major role in New Japan—or whatever they decide to call it,” Sims went on, pointing out that the third installment is inevitable given how much it would gross both domestic and abroad.
Adding that there are plenty of avenues the narrative could take, Sims highlighted conflict in the South China Sea, rising tensions in Iran, Syria, and North Korea, and the nuclear arms race to be the most plausible inciting incidents. “Personally, I believe the latter is the most likely. We only got a glimpse of their potential in II at the end of act three,” Sims wrote.
“Germany did a killer job producing the first two, but I think either Russia or the U.S. will take the reins this time,” Sims speculated, acknowledging that while the countries have been involved with other projects since then, neither the Cold War nor the Vietnam War count as true sequels.
Sims ended on an optimistic note, stating, “It’s been 74 years in the making so this will certainly be the greatest war in the trilogy.”